As you know, I separated from my church family this summer. It seems like forever ago, but it's only been just over 2 months.
I feel like a reject, because I haven't found it easy to immediately bloom where I'm being planted. I thought the church I was in wouldn't matter, because God's presence is everywhere, and besides, it was more important for Randy to feel connected. I'm the easy one.
I have to confess, this is the last church Jesus himself would visit. Not because they're not on fire for the Lord, but because everything is perfect. This operation is the pinnacle of efficiency, technology, competence, quality speakers, community outreach, mission....
The worship is so clean and professional. Very high quality musicians and singers. Great production, etc. too. I'm just not moved by it. It doesn't seem like someone should need to feel a connection to music in a church, right? It's just part of the package, right?
Music became such a fundamental part of how I acknowledged my devotion to God. There is just something about worship that completely cleanses the worshiper, if they enter in. Learning this practice revolutionized my relationship with God, and although I wasn't that talented a musician or singer, it's the end, not the means, that's important here.
Maybe some people can feel it, but I can't detect the holy spirit in the new sanctuary. Nowhere! I am emotional, all right, because maybe they just sung a song that usually "did it" for me, and now I feel nothing.
I have a pent up longing for a connection I haven't been making. I need to re-train myself how to have fellowship with God.
I went into my room and fell to my knees and poured out to Him with my hands held up, like a toddler asking their parent to pick them up. The Abba cry.
This is one of those songs that helps me out. I started crying like a baby, or like a mentally and emotionally exhausted traveler, or a desperate hormonal woman, be it the case...
Away from the noise
Alone with you
Away to hear Your voice
And meet with You
Nothing else matters
My one desire is
To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to Worship You
Away ... away from the noise
Alone with You
Away... Away to hear your voice
And meet with you
Meet with you
It's been awhile
But hear my heart cry again
To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to Worship You
Nothing else matters
And when you have no words left just say OH
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
How on earth
How on earth am I going to share my heart with another Penn?
Love grows!!!
And the time is right, I feel nothing but happiness.
Love grows!!!
And the time is right, I feel nothing but happiness.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
October
I'm glad for a couple reasons. I've had more good than bad days. It's been 3 weeks since my ectopic surgery. It's been ONLY 4 months since miscarriage number 3. It's been 13 months since number 2, and over 4 years since the first.
I'm glad because my husband finally picked up the book I read about adoption called "Adopted for Life."
I'm glad because I am on the pill, with no more worry, for now, of losing another pregnancy. Please, let me just come up for a breath or air.
I'm glad because there are doctors now who will take my losses seriously.
I'm sad there has to be an awareness month for loss. I'm sad I'll pay out the nose for a surgery I didn't ask for, but couldn't have been avoided. I'm sad I can't seem to live a life that doesn't focus on this - parenthood, family, dreams, loss- quite so often.
I'm sad I've been led here again by my Lord, although I know He's here. It's still raining.
But it's October, my favorite time of year. I'll go with my comadre to pick out my Godson's costume this weekend. I get to kiss his fat cheeks, and I'll be happy.
I'm glad because my husband finally picked up the book I read about adoption called "Adopted for Life."
I'm glad because I am on the pill, with no more worry, for now, of losing another pregnancy. Please, let me just come up for a breath or air.
I'm glad because there are doctors now who will take my losses seriously.
I'm sad there has to be an awareness month for loss. I'm sad I'll pay out the nose for a surgery I didn't ask for, but couldn't have been avoided. I'm sad I can't seem to live a life that doesn't focus on this - parenthood, family, dreams, loss- quite so often.
I'm sad I've been led here again by my Lord, although I know He's here. It's still raining.
But it's October, my favorite time of year. I'll go with my comadre to pick out my Godson's costume this weekend. I get to kiss his fat cheeks, and I'll be happy.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
136
I am no longer expecting.
I am lucky to be alive.
The fire that I had inside me to fight to save my pregnancy saved me from a terrible danger. I fought to get progesterone at 3.5 weeks when I saw spotting. My pcp wasn't comfortable giving it to me, seeing as it's an OB issue and didn't want to harm me by giving me an inappropriate dose for my case. She thought I should really be seeing a high risk OB given the number of losses I've had. She gave me the number for Phoenix Perinatal Associates and advised they would probably see me right away. Luckily, they agreed to see me the next day for a consult. My pcp drew blood and requested the results be sent to that new practice the next day.
The next day comes and I am having more spotting, red. I am discouraged, but make my way to the new OB. I state my case and he agrees to help me. Before he does, he wants to peek at the blood results. His eyes almost flew off his face when he saw my HCG > 15000! Within seconds, I was undressed and having an ultrasound in the next room.
Sure enough, I was further along. 6w1d based on the measurements. Then I saw it. A perfect heartbeat. 136 bpm. The ultrasound tech told me the doctor was going to review my photos and come in with me in a minute or two. I was positively over the moon. Which is why I thought he just was a bad joker when he came in the room and said we have a serious problem. He drew a diagram and explained I had an ectopic pregnancy. My baby was comfortable, was thriving, had a good blood supply, just in the wrong part of my body. I asked if there was a way to just nudge it along. Of course, you can't do that. The OB explained that's why I was spotting, and I would need emergency surgery because the sac was so large now it could burst at any moment.
I had some time alone before my surgery. I talked to the baby and apologized for what was going to happen. I said it wasn't its fault. I loved it, I was happy to know it came to be with me for so long. I told it how pretty it was in Greer and Pinetop, and how sick they made me up there. I told it I enjoyed being pregnant and I loved them very much. I told them about Jesus, and heaven. I told them they have 3 siblings and lots of family already waiting for them, and they would be just fine until I got there to be with them. I told them not to be afraid when Jesus took them home.
I had my entire right fallopian tube removed to prevent scar tissue and possible future ectopic pregnancy. The remaining tube should float freely and pick up any eggs released from my right ovary. I need to wait a few months before trying again. He also recommended losing weight ("Hello, My name is Jessica, nice to meet you.").
I am home and sore and in shock. I had a perfectly good 6w old baby who made it through without progesterone. It just missed the mark. I am heartbroken I had to let it go, but neither of us would have survived.
So there you go. This is how the story continues.
I am lucky to be alive.
The fire that I had inside me to fight to save my pregnancy saved me from a terrible danger. I fought to get progesterone at 3.5 weeks when I saw spotting. My pcp wasn't comfortable giving it to me, seeing as it's an OB issue and didn't want to harm me by giving me an inappropriate dose for my case. She thought I should really be seeing a high risk OB given the number of losses I've had. She gave me the number for Phoenix Perinatal Associates and advised they would probably see me right away. Luckily, they agreed to see me the next day for a consult. My pcp drew blood and requested the results be sent to that new practice the next day.
The next day comes and I am having more spotting, red. I am discouraged, but make my way to the new OB. I state my case and he agrees to help me. Before he does, he wants to peek at the blood results. His eyes almost flew off his face when he saw my HCG > 15000! Within seconds, I was undressed and having an ultrasound in the next room.
Sure enough, I was further along. 6w1d based on the measurements. Then I saw it. A perfect heartbeat. 136 bpm. The ultrasound tech told me the doctor was going to review my photos and come in with me in a minute or two. I was positively over the moon. Which is why I thought he just was a bad joker when he came in the room and said we have a serious problem. He drew a diagram and explained I had an ectopic pregnancy. My baby was comfortable, was thriving, had a good blood supply, just in the wrong part of my body. I asked if there was a way to just nudge it along. Of course, you can't do that. The OB explained that's why I was spotting, and I would need emergency surgery because the sac was so large now it could burst at any moment.
I had some time alone before my surgery. I talked to the baby and apologized for what was going to happen. I said it wasn't its fault. I loved it, I was happy to know it came to be with me for so long. I told it how pretty it was in Greer and Pinetop, and how sick they made me up there. I told it I enjoyed being pregnant and I loved them very much. I told them about Jesus, and heaven. I told them they have 3 siblings and lots of family already waiting for them, and they would be just fine until I got there to be with them. I told them not to be afraid when Jesus took them home.
I had my entire right fallopian tube removed to prevent scar tissue and possible future ectopic pregnancy. The remaining tube should float freely and pick up any eggs released from my right ovary. I need to wait a few months before trying again. He also recommended losing weight ("Hello, My name is Jessica, nice to meet you.").
I am home and sore and in shock. I had a perfectly good 6w old baby who made it through without progesterone. It just missed the mark. I am heartbroken I had to let it go, but neither of us would have survived.
So there you go. This is how the story continues.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Racing to tomorrow
Yesterday and today I have been SO SICK
I choose to chalk it up to pregnancy nausea. Maybe I'm actually sick, but I want to believe this thing is actually switched ON and actively participate, good or bad feelings involved.
I have a hard time eating a lot, because I immediately feel queasy, and need to lie down with air in my face. Sipping water seems to help. Crackers too.
In following with the Jessica Juice tradition of trying to bond as much as possible with the baby as early as possible, I made cookies today. However, I switched from regular chocolate chip to WCMN. Hey, if nothing changes, nothing changes...
I say I am racing to tomorrow, because I get to see my primary tomorrow and ask her for progesterone. I am putting a lot of hope in this, that it will help me stop spotting. I started spotting again today, pinky-brown. I know enough that this should be harmless, but the gloves come off when I'm trying to save my 4th pregnancy.
Thought I'd share some things of interest. Sometime during my previous cycle, I had a moment in my car where I just flat out got a wild hair up my ass about the enemy and his hold on my reproductive system. I violently (for me) broke ties left and right, and rebuked his influence on any part of my body. I even rebuked the diagnosis of PCOS and insulin resistance. I declared my body is healed, because Jesus made it His mission to take my suffering upon Himself. I decided though my body was fundamentally healed, it still needs some help, and since God led me to a helping doctor, I would remain on the Metformin rx. But this wasn't in order to fight an impossible battle against a terrible diagnosis, it was to help my physical body catch up with itself.
At the beginning of the cycle I'm in now, I had a few nights where I couldn't sleep. I chose to spend some time in prayer to remind God that while I am keeping myself busy with other things, my heart still really longs for a child - that I didn't know or care when or how He made it happen, just as long as He knew I still wanted it for me and my family.
We spent a weekend in Pinetop. It was gorgeous!! I hadn't been that far north (desert rat) and I was just so in awe of the beauty in NE AZ. The elevation was, what, 8200? Compared to Phoenix's 1100, it took some adjusting to. I was so sick on Saturday. I swore I was getting a cold - I had a sore throat and I was just so bombed. I slept all afternoon. Sunday was a blast, and Monday morning was lovely. Interestingly enough, I got to take another unfamiliar jaunt through the salt river canyon. Beautiful!
I say interestingly, because yours truly does not fare well in canyons of any kind. Once peripheral and horizon visuals are cut off, I puke faster than a frat with a gallon of milk. Sooooo, my soon to be BIL had his car baptized that day. And so did the car behind us' windshield. I had good aim, I stuck my head out the window like a pro, but it was no less humiliating and miserable. I can't help but think I was just a little more sick that weekend because of the pregnancy. At least then, when we re-tell this story, it will have a warmer tone.
In all, I am grateful for another chance, however terrified we are. I fully understand I am pregnant now because I let go of my old shame and started over. If I lose this pregnancy too, I will come away knowing I did everything physically possible to intervene. Because God gives me free will. I know the battle is won, but that doesn't mean I don't need to fight.
My prayer today is God, if it is Your will that I win - help my fight; if it is Your will that this baby is born - help me to prepare; if it is Your will that this child come back home to You before it is ready to be born - make my heart brave. My battles are being fought and won in half days - I pray it is Your will to give me the victory! I also pray that I can get through this nausea and not puke up these wonderful cookies :)
Yours truly,
Mama Juice
I choose to chalk it up to pregnancy nausea. Maybe I'm actually sick, but I want to believe this thing is actually switched ON and actively participate, good or bad feelings involved.
I have a hard time eating a lot, because I immediately feel queasy, and need to lie down with air in my face. Sipping water seems to help. Crackers too.
In following with the Jessica Juice tradition of trying to bond as much as possible with the baby as early as possible, I made cookies today. However, I switched from regular chocolate chip to WCMN. Hey, if nothing changes, nothing changes...
I say I am racing to tomorrow, because I get to see my primary tomorrow and ask her for progesterone. I am putting a lot of hope in this, that it will help me stop spotting. I started spotting again today, pinky-brown. I know enough that this should be harmless, but the gloves come off when I'm trying to save my 4th pregnancy.
Thought I'd share some things of interest. Sometime during my previous cycle, I had a moment in my car where I just flat out got a wild hair up my ass about the enemy and his hold on my reproductive system. I violently (for me) broke ties left and right, and rebuked his influence on any part of my body. I even rebuked the diagnosis of PCOS and insulin resistance. I declared my body is healed, because Jesus made it His mission to take my suffering upon Himself. I decided though my body was fundamentally healed, it still needs some help, and since God led me to a helping doctor, I would remain on the Metformin rx. But this wasn't in order to fight an impossible battle against a terrible diagnosis, it was to help my physical body catch up with itself.
At the beginning of the cycle I'm in now, I had a few nights where I couldn't sleep. I chose to spend some time in prayer to remind God that while I am keeping myself busy with other things, my heart still really longs for a child - that I didn't know or care when or how He made it happen, just as long as He knew I still wanted it for me and my family.
We spent a weekend in Pinetop. It was gorgeous!! I hadn't been that far north (desert rat) and I was just so in awe of the beauty in NE AZ. The elevation was, what, 8200? Compared to Phoenix's 1100, it took some adjusting to. I was so sick on Saturday. I swore I was getting a cold - I had a sore throat and I was just so bombed. I slept all afternoon. Sunday was a blast, and Monday morning was lovely. Interestingly enough, I got to take another unfamiliar jaunt through the salt river canyon. Beautiful!
I say interestingly, because yours truly does not fare well in canyons of any kind. Once peripheral and horizon visuals are cut off, I puke faster than a frat with a gallon of milk. Sooooo, my soon to be BIL had his car baptized that day. And so did the car behind us' windshield. I had good aim, I stuck my head out the window like a pro, but it was no less humiliating and miserable. I can't help but think I was just a little more sick that weekend because of the pregnancy. At least then, when we re-tell this story, it will have a warmer tone.
In all, I am grateful for another chance, however terrified we are. I fully understand I am pregnant now because I let go of my old shame and started over. If I lose this pregnancy too, I will come away knowing I did everything physically possible to intervene. Because God gives me free will. I know the battle is won, but that doesn't mean I don't need to fight.
My prayer today is God, if it is Your will that I win - help my fight; if it is Your will that this baby is born - help me to prepare; if it is Your will that this child come back home to You before it is ready to be born - make my heart brave. My battles are being fought and won in half days - I pray it is Your will to give me the victory! I also pray that I can get through this nausea and not puke up these wonderful cookies :)
Yours truly,
Mama Juice
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Against my boldest efforts
As you can see, the test line has swallowed all the ink from the control line.
CD 23
I am not telling anyone yet, but if anyone happens to read this, well then they either agree to not post on FB, or don't know me well enough to access my FB anyway.
My goals: to make it to Monday, where my primary is putting me on progesterone.
Who's for keeping this one?!
CD 23
I am not telling anyone yet, but if anyone happens to read this, well then they either agree to not post on FB, or don't know me well enough to access my FB anyway.
My goals: to make it to Monday, where my primary is putting me on progesterone.
Who's for keeping this one?!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Fallout
Lessons Learned:
If someone I'm leading falls, pick them up.
Take feedback seriously.
Learn my leadership style, my teams learning styles, how I'm perceived, and make adjustments accordingly.
Continue to praise the good in others, but never sugar coat the bad.
It's been a few weeks since we left our home church, where we got saved, baptized, and set down roots with lifelong friendships. I'm still really sad I won't see some people on a regular basis. I'm more sad I feel like I failed, like we are now just another one of those families who couldn't play nice and left. One of those people who couldn't get along with her. One of those people who were obviously just too selfish to get with the program.
Of course I know we're not. I can't speak for my husband, even though I usually do anyway. I can only speak for me, and I need the record to show I gave in worship with all my heart. I gave what little I had, and what did it cost me? Humility! I couldn't sing a note (and its debatable whether I can now). I had to practice hard and still just get by. But I laid it all out for God each opportunity I had.
And that no matter what tension was perceived, the truth was it was just time. It's allowed to be "just time," right? I am still adjusting to not going there. I can't call another church my home yet, if ever.
Yes, I'll get over it at some point. But let me draw you a picture.
I have had experiences that I have promised to never forget. One of them was a concert I played in when I went to Europe in high school. The music was so much a part of me, and I was so happy in that moment I had to take a mental snapshot and promise myself not to forget the sound of that note, the people standing on either side of me, and how I felt at that moment. All these years later I remember I had a life changing moment in a centuries old church, that I very much liked the song we played, and that I promised to remember details I couldn't tell you now if my life depended on it.
During what I knew was my last weekend at my home church, I took the same snapshot of our worship. I have stashed a couple memories to hold onto, but if I wake up one day and forget how much that meant to me, I will be very disappointed. I don't think I'll forget letting myself turn and hug Sophia. She's the one person in a LONG time receptive to my ultra touchy feely emotional monster. I may never be a part of a musical group again. I may never stand and lead worship again. Letting go of all that and knowing that it is for the best broke my heart, but it is my absolute belief that I will have the memories and the life of those moments brought back to me when we all get together to worship in eternity. And I'll stand next to Sophia.
I have to believe the last words I sang, which was on purpose from Him for my benefit.
You make all things new, and I will follow You forward
25 Things you probably don't know about Me
Taking the lead from one of my favorite bloggers at http://financiallyfabulousmommy.blogspot.com/
I thought this would be a fun post to share with you.
1. I was supposed to be a boy. My name was Zachariah, now my youngest brother's name.
2. When I was young I wanted to be a nurse.
3. I once declared to the world, in a dramatic fashion, that I would never marry a man named Randy.
4. I had a boyfriend in middle school that ended up being gay.
5. I have had acne continuously since the age of 9.
6. I hate snow, I hate being cold.
7. After I had my surgery to restore what hearing I had left in my right ear, I heard a train for the first time, and ran down the street screaming terrified the world as ending and I was going to die. I was 4.
8. I collect miniature shoes.
9. And depression glass cake plates.
10. And antique china saucers.
11. I want to hug a bear one day. A real actual bear.
12. I hate cats, but personally brought home the 2 I have to surprise my husband.
13. I am a list person. Writing lists helps me organize my thoughts.
14. I got high one time to try and connect with my husband. Hated it, such a worthless feeling.
15. I was bullied all throughout elementary school for being fat.
16. And then through middle school for starting my first period during art class.
17. And then my meanest bully later in life helped keep my brother Michael off the street. God's justice.
18. I cry when I hear songs and stories about fathers who love their daughters.
19. I have loved God since I was a child, and have loved getting to know Him.
20. I was disappointed when I found out my grandma's secret recipe for banana pudding was on the jello pudding box.
21. I am most proud of my nana keeping a baby picture of me on her dresser until the day she died, saying I was the only one who never changed enough for her to want to put up an updated picture.
22. I have met all my children and have held them all. Dreams are sent from God.
23. I own many pairs of beautiful shoes, but wear sneakers for comfort.
24. I have seen the Eiffel Tower, but not the Grand Canyon.
25. I have never had a friend pour into me like I have poured into others. My mom gets annoyed and points it out, but I am proud to be a giver. I am fully aware people will come in and out of my life only when they need me, but what a blessing to be so reliable. I love giving my heart to people, and I am aware by wisdom and experience it gets broken sometimes. I know He just might be the only one who can match my heart, but I'm glad He gave it to me to give to others.
I thought this would be a fun post to share with you.
1. I was supposed to be a boy. My name was Zachariah, now my youngest brother's name.
2. When I was young I wanted to be a nurse.
3. I once declared to the world, in a dramatic fashion, that I would never marry a man named Randy.
4. I had a boyfriend in middle school that ended up being gay.
5. I have had acne continuously since the age of 9.
6. I hate snow, I hate being cold.
7. After I had my surgery to restore what hearing I had left in my right ear, I heard a train for the first time, and ran down the street screaming terrified the world as ending and I was going to die. I was 4.
8. I collect miniature shoes.
9. And depression glass cake plates.
10. And antique china saucers.
11. I want to hug a bear one day. A real actual bear.
12. I hate cats, but personally brought home the 2 I have to surprise my husband.
13. I am a list person. Writing lists helps me organize my thoughts.
14. I got high one time to try and connect with my husband. Hated it, such a worthless feeling.
15. I was bullied all throughout elementary school for being fat.
16. And then through middle school for starting my first period during art class.
17. And then my meanest bully later in life helped keep my brother Michael off the street. God's justice.
18. I cry when I hear songs and stories about fathers who love their daughters.
19. I have loved God since I was a child, and have loved getting to know Him.
20. I was disappointed when I found out my grandma's secret recipe for banana pudding was on the jello pudding box.
21. I am most proud of my nana keeping a baby picture of me on her dresser until the day she died, saying I was the only one who never changed enough for her to want to put up an updated picture.
22. I have met all my children and have held them all. Dreams are sent from God.
23. I own many pairs of beautiful shoes, but wear sneakers for comfort.
24. I have seen the Eiffel Tower, but not the Grand Canyon.
25. I have never had a friend pour into me like I have poured into others. My mom gets annoyed and points it out, but I am proud to be a giver. I am fully aware people will come in and out of my life only when they need me, but what a blessing to be so reliable. I love giving my heart to people, and I am aware by wisdom and experience it gets broken sometimes. I know He just might be the only one who can match my heart, but I'm glad He gave it to me to give to others.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Catching my breath
Hi!
This weekend I am taking on a task that I have pretended to tackle for years, every time I open publisher - in just the same way a little girl tries to walk in her mom's fabulous heels. I am finishing my first brochures. My first pricing materials that I will give out to brides on August 18 at the bridal show. Yeep!
Where I have always been flooded with creativity and drive and confidence, I am feeling a little hesitant. I mean, other people are going to see this and make decisions based on it. I don't want it to look too boring or too busy. I want it to look professional and sleek, but have some magic power that makes people think they can't get married without me there.
Tonight we're making lasagna, and then I've got a full weekend.
I've had a huge last month. Vacation was just what I needed to get my head on straight. We had so much fun in San Diego with our family. I posted a long time ago that I believe God custom wraps for his children unique experiences and perceptions that remind us of His love. There's something about magnolia trees full of rich white blooms that triggers that in me. That, and the glitter of the light off ripples of water being pulled back into the ocean. I take some of these things in and decide I couldn't possibly share the awe with anyone for risk of looking looney. Maybe because those experiences, where I can swear I am caught up in grace for just a minute or two, are for me alone from my creator.
In a way, one of the special experiences is the feeling of being taken care of and loved by family members. Our cousin was so nice to let us stay at her house while we took in SD. I didn't expect, or think I deserved the red carpet treatment when the rest of the family joined us and we wined and dined (quite literally). Even though, according to our aunt, that's just how family treats each other, I always walk away wishing I had what it takes to make it "just the way I treat" everyone. So this is what made my vacation complete - I not only had a breathtaking visual week where I got to get out of my environment and be humbled by some beauty, I was treated so kindly. This is the application piece of my experience, the "why" to my here and now. I need to love more. I used to be really good at that.
My mom has a grocery bag full of all her CDs. If you stop to picture this, it's pretty funny. I have them here at my house, so for the past few days, I have spent the evenings ripping all the discs onto my iTunes. I'm about 2/3 done. I've got a song softly on repeat, Raul DiBlasio and Juan Gabriel, Hasta que te conoci. Growing up Margie's daughter, I was never in lack for random awesome Latin music. The music in the piece is just plain fun - passionate and bold. Later, when I could translate the lyrics, I found out it was a pretty sad song. But I love that I still enjoy it. It gives me hope that who I was years ago, with just enough innocence to jam out to a Spanish song about heartbreak, is still in me somewhere.
Hoping that's the case. More to come! Thanks for visiting.
Love, Juice
This weekend I am taking on a task that I have pretended to tackle for years, every time I open publisher - in just the same way a little girl tries to walk in her mom's fabulous heels. I am finishing my first brochures. My first pricing materials that I will give out to brides on August 18 at the bridal show. Yeep!
Where I have always been flooded with creativity and drive and confidence, I am feeling a little hesitant. I mean, other people are going to see this and make decisions based on it. I don't want it to look too boring or too busy. I want it to look professional and sleek, but have some magic power that makes people think they can't get married without me there.
Tonight we're making lasagna, and then I've got a full weekend.
I've had a huge last month. Vacation was just what I needed to get my head on straight. We had so much fun in San Diego with our family. I posted a long time ago that I believe God custom wraps for his children unique experiences and perceptions that remind us of His love. There's something about magnolia trees full of rich white blooms that triggers that in me. That, and the glitter of the light off ripples of water being pulled back into the ocean. I take some of these things in and decide I couldn't possibly share the awe with anyone for risk of looking looney. Maybe because those experiences, where I can swear I am caught up in grace for just a minute or two, are for me alone from my creator.
In a way, one of the special experiences is the feeling of being taken care of and loved by family members. Our cousin was so nice to let us stay at her house while we took in SD. I didn't expect, or think I deserved the red carpet treatment when the rest of the family joined us and we wined and dined (quite literally). Even though, according to our aunt, that's just how family treats each other, I always walk away wishing I had what it takes to make it "just the way I treat" everyone. So this is what made my vacation complete - I not only had a breathtaking visual week where I got to get out of my environment and be humbled by some beauty, I was treated so kindly. This is the application piece of my experience, the "why" to my here and now. I need to love more. I used to be really good at that.
...
Hoping that's the case. More to come! Thanks for visiting.
Love, Juice
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Terra Cotta re-design, and new name?
I have what seems like a million updates for you - LOTS of exciting things happening right now! I ran into I someone this afternoon who asked me to update my blog - she missed me! I promised I would, so I'm posting this a little out of sequence. I've started my bedroom design project, nearly completed my home office design, went on vacation, and started a business... but the project I'm showing you tonight, for lack of time to go on, and on...., is my inspirational pots re-design.
When we moved in to our house, we found some old, beat up Terra cotta pots on the side yard. They were my FIL's and had been home to some fig trees. They were jacked up, which I think is a technical term.
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| Here are the pots after being washed and sun dried. Notice how the yellow one has pretty engravings? |
My vision was to bring life back to these pots, knowing they're old and not perfect anymore. Knowing the cracks will show, and the clay will continue to chip off. I wanted to show mercy to these pots and give them another chance to help me grow pretty flowers on my patio.
So I took off to Home Depot to find some paint, stencils, and plants to finish the project.
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| I picked up a pretty cute stencil set, plastic drop cloth, a glossy white paint, and a sunny yellow paint. I also grabbed a few plastic trays to stick under the pots so water wouldn't drip onto the tile patio. |
I purchased a lantana plant that was a mix of red, yellow, white, and purple. I'm so glad I found the plant I was looking for and hoping they had available, blue cape plumbago. Randy's family had an aloe plant we found on the brink of death when we moved in. What a miracle - it came back to life when we added water! I highly recommend it if you want plants to grow. Contrary to what you may have heard, plants do not crave electrolytes. The aloe is pretty large now and graces our patio nicely.
Remember the yellow pot with the nice engravings? I re-illuminated it with the soft yellow. Since the pot is already decorative, I didn't stencil it. I planted the aloe here.
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| Forgot to mention I couldn't resist these iron stands I | found! |
The remaining pots I painted with the glossy white. I wanted to accent with a bold cobalt blue, but I didn't have that color in my collection. I did, however, have a dark navy and pretty royal, so I blended the two with a shimmery champagne acrylic paint to make the perfect cobalt blue.
I used the stencil on one of the pots, and then after careful adherence of the stencil to a curved surface, and meticulous re-outlining the bled over blue with a fine tip brush of white, I remembered I had a stamp I could've been using the whole time! Yup, stamped the next pot. I painted a verse on each pot, and planted the other two plants.
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| "Blessed are the Merciful" |
This pot was the first one I finished, in the blue stencil. I painted the verse in brown, and went back later and added brown stamps, because stamps are amazing fun.
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| "For Every Thing, a Season" |
This is the other pot, all stamped. I mixed so much pretty blue paint, I couldn't bear to throw it out and write in brown, so the verse is blue also. We had a cape plumbago at south house, and it was one of our happier seasons living down in that part of town. We will always remember how happy we were driving up to the house with this plant in full bloom. We needed to have one in our new home.
It's so nice now having a little color on the patio, and its only the beginning. I have a patio set that will be re-designed this summer! I can't wait to have the stuff I need (time, mainly) to complete that project in time for the cool weather in Phoenix.
Lastly, I need to think of a new name for this blog. I am thinking of trademarking True. Lovely. Excellent. for my soon to be wildly popular business. I have so much identity in that phrase, that I want to keep part of it in some fashion. It would also be nice if I could incorporate my alter ego, Juice, in the name.
Truly Yours, Juice? Give me your comments. If you help re-name my blog, a prize maybe?
Thanks for visiting! Talk to you soon.
Juice
Monday, July 9, 2012
Overnight shift
So my comadre isn't having my second godchild just yet.
Let me tell you, having that situation present itself in the way it did really opened my eyes. Here I was, fresh off my third miscarriage and not even blinking an eye before pressing forward full speed. I near the end of my cycle the same days as my bestie, who is also trying. She has a near positive, and I have a breakdown.
I didn't like my reaction, and I shared with a friend that it scared me, as I would never want anyone to believe I was jealous or resentful towards her, I could never be. And as much as I didn't want it to appear as such to anyone else, I didn't want to feel it myself. I smacked the lid on that mess in a hot second, and have changed my plan...
I have lost a few more pounds since my post, and have been working with my trainer friend to keep my nutrition in check. I am stronger than I was, even a month ago.
I have stopped thinking about the baby. No, let me correct that: I think of the baby every time I have a second to think. I have prayed for the desires of my heart to be shown to me. And they have been. Even though over the last year I've begged for the desires to change and be replaced with something else, my hunger remains.
But I am not focused on the baby. I've put it in time out. I am focused on creating a better home for the baby to live in. For 9 months, the baby will live in me, so I need that to be the best home possible. For the next several years, the baby will live with my husband and I, so I need to be sure I am providing some comforts, both practical and symbolic. I need to realize my own potential before I spend the rest of my life trying to help someone else reach theirs.
You won't hear me say I've stopped trying. If anything, I'm finally trying harder.
I want to be there for my sister in law, give her the best bridal experience anyone could imagine. I can do that best when I'm not so self obsessed. Let's refocus on getting in shape instead of getting knocked up - and everyone wins.
In a weird way, this protects me from the inevitable. The day is coming very soon when I'm going to get the blessed phone call or happy whisper from my comadre that her baby's on the way. Let me put myself in a position where I can be 100% overjoyed. No mixed in disappointment or guilt.
Let me make myself a little more money, get myself closer to family, dive deeper into the Word, drop a couple dress sizes, learn to do a proper lunge, improve my speaking abilities, read some good books, do Pat's Run, organize my home, and let me try not to do these things in vain as always, while I secretly pine.
I feel great today. I've felt great the past few weeks. I'm taking a trip with Randy to classy San Diego this week. We're going to the zoo, Coronado Island, and of course, a day or two on the beach braving waves and what I hope is seaweed brushing against my feet.
I hope I can share soon how many awesome projects I have in the works for around the house. My mom has been helping me a LOT, and I'm so thankful.
Thanks again for visiting, and I'll write again as soon as I'm home. Stay Classy!
Juice
Let me tell you, having that situation present itself in the way it did really opened my eyes. Here I was, fresh off my third miscarriage and not even blinking an eye before pressing forward full speed. I near the end of my cycle the same days as my bestie, who is also trying. She has a near positive, and I have a breakdown.
I didn't like my reaction, and I shared with a friend that it scared me, as I would never want anyone to believe I was jealous or resentful towards her, I could never be. And as much as I didn't want it to appear as such to anyone else, I didn't want to feel it myself. I smacked the lid on that mess in a hot second, and have changed my plan...
I have lost a few more pounds since my post, and have been working with my trainer friend to keep my nutrition in check. I am stronger than I was, even a month ago.
I have stopped thinking about the baby. No, let me correct that: I think of the baby every time I have a second to think. I have prayed for the desires of my heart to be shown to me. And they have been. Even though over the last year I've begged for the desires to change and be replaced with something else, my hunger remains.
But I am not focused on the baby. I've put it in time out. I am focused on creating a better home for the baby to live in. For 9 months, the baby will live in me, so I need that to be the best home possible. For the next several years, the baby will live with my husband and I, so I need to be sure I am providing some comforts, both practical and symbolic. I need to realize my own potential before I spend the rest of my life trying to help someone else reach theirs.
You won't hear me say I've stopped trying. If anything, I'm finally trying harder.
I want to be there for my sister in law, give her the best bridal experience anyone could imagine. I can do that best when I'm not so self obsessed. Let's refocus on getting in shape instead of getting knocked up - and everyone wins.
In a weird way, this protects me from the inevitable. The day is coming very soon when I'm going to get the blessed phone call or happy whisper from my comadre that her baby's on the way. Let me put myself in a position where I can be 100% overjoyed. No mixed in disappointment or guilt.
Let me make myself a little more money, get myself closer to family, dive deeper into the Word, drop a couple dress sizes, learn to do a proper lunge, improve my speaking abilities, read some good books, do Pat's Run, organize my home, and let me try not to do these things in vain as always, while I secretly pine.
I feel great today. I've felt great the past few weeks. I'm taking a trip with Randy to classy San Diego this week. We're going to the zoo, Coronado Island, and of course, a day or two on the beach braving waves and what I hope is seaweed brushing against my feet.
I hope I can share soon how many awesome projects I have in the works for around the house. My mom has been helping me a LOT, and I'm so thankful.
Thanks again for visiting, and I'll write again as soon as I'm home. Stay Classy!
Juice
Monday, June 18, 2012
Lapped
Thanks for reading. This might be the only post of mine that ever gets deleted. Maybe.
I am pulled both ways tonight. My best friend and I are in that fantastic womanly way of having synced cycles. She and her wonderful hubby decided since their son is 2 now, (my perfect godson), it's time to grow their family. It is their second month trying and I think it was a success. She sent me a photo of the test for my expert (and don't kid yourself, I'm an expert) opinion. I see a line where she's skeptical, but she's going to wait a few more days to try and test again. And then maybe a few more weeks before announcing to the rest of the world if the result is as I suspect. So, I'm over the moon that I might have another perfect child to lavish on. I am afraid I couldn't love another child like I love Noah... We'll see how that goes.
I had my 4th cycle of clomid this month. I feel like I'm about to have a period. I got the call from my doctor that I ovulated. I know my body and every ache, cramp, tug... I read my cervical mucus like it's tea leaves... My acne breakouts are little constellations telling me what hormones are high... At this point in my cycle, I will either be pregnant or start my period in a day or so. So I thought it would be a good idea to buy a test. God's answer this month is still NO.
I know all the right things to think. I just am having a hard time thinking them right now.
I am pulled both ways tonight. My best friend and I are in that fantastic womanly way of having synced cycles. She and her wonderful hubby decided since their son is 2 now, (my perfect godson), it's time to grow their family. It is their second month trying and I think it was a success. She sent me a photo of the test for my expert (and don't kid yourself, I'm an expert) opinion. I see a line where she's skeptical, but she's going to wait a few more days to try and test again. And then maybe a few more weeks before announcing to the rest of the world if the result is as I suspect. So, I'm over the moon that I might have another perfect child to lavish on. I am afraid I couldn't love another child like I love Noah... We'll see how that goes.
I had my 4th cycle of clomid this month. I feel like I'm about to have a period. I got the call from my doctor that I ovulated. I know my body and every ache, cramp, tug... I read my cervical mucus like it's tea leaves... My acne breakouts are little constellations telling me what hormones are high... At this point in my cycle, I will either be pregnant or start my period in a day or so. So I thought it would be a good idea to buy a test. God's answer this month is still NO.
I know all the right things to think. I just am having a hard time thinking them right now.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
The weeks, how they fly by
I feel like its been forever since I sent you a nice status update. I have completed my 28th year of awesomeness, helped my husband in his quest for purpose, spent a bunch of money, and prepared for a special guest.
My birthday is May 28, every year. Good thing is it always falls the week of Memorial day, so I get a 3 day weekend somewhere around my b-day every year. This year it fell on Memorial Day, so I got a day off work for my gift.
I helped Randy prepare for his first exposure as a photographer. He entered a local show, and got to meet a lot of really talented, friendly people. He later told me he hasn't felt so alive in years. He wasn't kidding, I haven't seen him like that in about as long. He is a confident man with a commanding presence and a loveable personality. You really need to see him in action to appreciate it. If I had an inch of his charm, I'd get into a lot more trouble...
I spent a grip of cash. On myself :) OK, I spent it on some necessities for my business. I needed business cards, which meant I needed contact information. I figured I should have a website and PO Box to be legit. The website will be done soon. I will gush about that venture in my next post.
I am in home freshening mode. I unrealistically strive to get all my major projects done by Saturday to show them off to our Aunt Sarah from CA. In reality, painting the office is the only real project I think I can handle this week. Randy and I will be in the zone all week making sure the house is clean and dogs are groomed.
In other news: My sister in law got engaged!! I am so happy for her, I knew a long time ago Bret was the one for her. I think it was when she told me how much he liked to drink milk (only she would comment on that, being the major milk drinker in the family). I never had a sister. Cousins and friends only close part of that gap growing up. I have brothers, but I mean, come on - not the same. I've really grown to love Nattie like a sister. I was a little nervous that she might not ask me in the wedding for a couple reasons. I didn't ask her to be in mine, for one. I hadn't known her for too long and desperately wanted her to like me! To save risking my friends offending her or asking her to spend more money than she wanted, I feel like I just plain left her out. I always regretted that, and if I would've been more mature at the ripe age of 20, I would've done a lot of things different.
I came to peace with that reality last week when I knew I was going to see her after work. I made her a great tool, a bridal binder - great for organizing and planning. I wrapped it up with a bow and surprised her with it. Before she opened it up, she asked me if I'd like to be her maid of honor. I am so touched and privileged to serve her this way. If anyone deserves an awesome MOH, it's Nattie. I'm a freakin' pro, but maybe I'll tell that story another time.
Lastly, I worked out with my old pal Mary Anne. She's going to help get my body in the shape it wants to be in. Little by little. I joined SparkPeople for the community and meal plans. Is anyone else on that site?
Got a full day at work tomorrow. 6 weeks until vacation! Oh did I forget to mention I'm going to San Diego? Whaaaaaaat!
Ok for real this time. Good night! Thanks for visiting.
Jessica Juice
My birthday is May 28, every year. Good thing is it always falls the week of Memorial day, so I get a 3 day weekend somewhere around my b-day every year. This year it fell on Memorial Day, so I got a day off work for my gift.
I helped Randy prepare for his first exposure as a photographer. He entered a local show, and got to meet a lot of really talented, friendly people. He later told me he hasn't felt so alive in years. He wasn't kidding, I haven't seen him like that in about as long. He is a confident man with a commanding presence and a loveable personality. You really need to see him in action to appreciate it. If I had an inch of his charm, I'd get into a lot more trouble...
I spent a grip of cash. On myself :) OK, I spent it on some necessities for my business. I needed business cards, which meant I needed contact information. I figured I should have a website and PO Box to be legit. The website will be done soon. I will gush about that venture in my next post.
I am in home freshening mode. I unrealistically strive to get all my major projects done by Saturday to show them off to our Aunt Sarah from CA. In reality, painting the office is the only real project I think I can handle this week. Randy and I will be in the zone all week making sure the house is clean and dogs are groomed.
In other news: My sister in law got engaged!! I am so happy for her, I knew a long time ago Bret was the one for her. I think it was when she told me how much he liked to drink milk (only she would comment on that, being the major milk drinker in the family). I never had a sister. Cousins and friends only close part of that gap growing up. I have brothers, but I mean, come on - not the same. I've really grown to love Nattie like a sister. I was a little nervous that she might not ask me in the wedding for a couple reasons. I didn't ask her to be in mine, for one. I hadn't known her for too long and desperately wanted her to like me! To save risking my friends offending her or asking her to spend more money than she wanted, I feel like I just plain left her out. I always regretted that, and if I would've been more mature at the ripe age of 20, I would've done a lot of things different.
I came to peace with that reality last week when I knew I was going to see her after work. I made her a great tool, a bridal binder - great for organizing and planning. I wrapped it up with a bow and surprised her with it. Before she opened it up, she asked me if I'd like to be her maid of honor. I am so touched and privileged to serve her this way. If anyone deserves an awesome MOH, it's Nattie. I'm a freakin' pro, but maybe I'll tell that story another time.
Lastly, I worked out with my old pal Mary Anne. She's going to help get my body in the shape it wants to be in. Little by little. I joined SparkPeople for the community and meal plans. Is anyone else on that site?
Got a full day at work tomorrow. 6 weeks until vacation! Oh did I forget to mention I'm going to San Diego? Whaaaaaaat!
Ok for real this time. Good night! Thanks for visiting.
Jessica Juice
Friday, May 11, 2012
Today is Friday
I woke up early and made breakfast, eggs tortillas and OJ. Watched the sun rise, enjoyed my animals in my nice house after Randy left for the day. I want to apologize for what must sound like more drama from yours truly, but I promised to give you all of me, not just the impressive parts.
I read a post from Donielle's blog: http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/the-sting-of-mothers-day/
Reading her words about peace during the Mother's Day holiday for women who believe they should have a child in their arms, but don't - I've once again been reduced to red eyes, puffy face, mocos, and tears. Every time I read another woman's experience, I feel like they share in some kind of secret.
All is well with me, my bad days are fewer and father between. This won't be a bad day for me, just happened to be an emotional morning. Worth documenting? Only if you like to read about me crying. Worth passing on Donielle's blog info? Definitely.
Thanks for visiting :) Have a good weekend.
Juice
I read a post from Donielle's blog: http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/the-sting-of-mothers-day/
Reading her words about peace during the Mother's Day holiday for women who believe they should have a child in their arms, but don't - I've once again been reduced to red eyes, puffy face, mocos, and tears. Every time I read another woman's experience, I feel like they share in some kind of secret.
All is well with me, my bad days are fewer and father between. This won't be a bad day for me, just happened to be an emotional morning. Worth documenting? Only if you like to read about me crying. Worth passing on Donielle's blog info? Definitely.
Thanks for visiting :) Have a good weekend.
Juice
Monday, May 7, 2012
Finding a reason why
I did something different tonight. I went to a yoga class at the gym. I went because I know you have to be amazingly strong to hang in yoga, which I am not. I wanted to test my limit, which I found in the first 5 minutes. Instead of quickly pulling my *new* shoes back on and disappearing, I stayed and sat quietly and watched. I don't know what the protocol is on that sort of thing, but nobody seemed to mind. I wanted to observe everyone's different levels of ability and found that not all the skinny girls were good at it, and not all the fat girls were bad at it. The instructor was a gorgeously toned girl that wasn't skinny at all. But OMG was she strong! I eventually ended up leaving because I felt so in awe I was afraid I was giving off a creeper vibe.
OK, one more thing about the instructor - she had loooong hair that was pulled into one of those waterfall braids I keep seeing on Pinterest - I want that! Someone teach me?
At the beginning, our eyes were closed and I was instructed to listen and concentrate on my breathing. What impressed me was the instruction to identify our purpose for standing on the mat. How many times have I been asked to come up with a reason why I should change my life? How many answers have I given, for lack of time and consideration, pressured by a judgmental inquisitor, and never really been sure?
Maybe it was just the right time and place, and maybe my ramped up devotionals have taken over my thinking. Without a moment of hesitation, my mind answered, "To overcome my flesh."
My body, which I have fought against for years. What should be His instrument, but has become the chains around my ankles. What should be His temple, but is in the most real way working against His will. What the enemy has been using to remind me to feel inferior and remind me I am weak. My flesh, all 300 lbs of my physical self that I have let turn me into a monster. The struggle in which the fruits have been infertility, insecurity, anger, jealousy, laziness, and many other things the enemy of my soul has indulged himself to watch me go through.
I felt such an awakening after I finally answered the question to, "why do any of this?"
I went home and went for a run. I still struggle in this, but I kept claiming victory after every step. The weather was lovely. Through my heavy breath, I felt like I was running for my life. I thanked Him for the next breath, and the remembrance that He is the one who sustains me gave me so much hope! I can't fail because He is my breath and my steps. He is right there in my fight to overcome my flesh.
I keep typing and deleting all my next thoughts, probably because they're still cooking and not properly formed yet. Maybe I'll continue in another post.
OK, one more thing about the instructor - she had loooong hair that was pulled into one of those waterfall braids I keep seeing on Pinterest - I want that! Someone teach me?
At the beginning, our eyes were closed and I was instructed to listen and concentrate on my breathing. What impressed me was the instruction to identify our purpose for standing on the mat. How many times have I been asked to come up with a reason why I should change my life? How many answers have I given, for lack of time and consideration, pressured by a judgmental inquisitor, and never really been sure?
Maybe it was just the right time and place, and maybe my ramped up devotionals have taken over my thinking. Without a moment of hesitation, my mind answered, "To overcome my flesh."
My body, which I have fought against for years. What should be His instrument, but has become the chains around my ankles. What should be His temple, but is in the most real way working against His will. What the enemy has been using to remind me to feel inferior and remind me I am weak. My flesh, all 300 lbs of my physical self that I have let turn me into a monster. The struggle in which the fruits have been infertility, insecurity, anger, jealousy, laziness, and many other things the enemy of my soul has indulged himself to watch me go through.
I felt such an awakening after I finally answered the question to, "why do any of this?"
I went home and went for a run. I still struggle in this, but I kept claiming victory after every step. The weather was lovely. Through my heavy breath, I felt like I was running for my life. I thanked Him for the next breath, and the remembrance that He is the one who sustains me gave me so much hope! I can't fail because He is my breath and my steps. He is right there in my fight to overcome my flesh.
I keep typing and deleting all my next thoughts, probably because they're still cooking and not properly formed yet. Maybe I'll continue in another post.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Anniversary Favor
Found shoes half the price, went to pay my student loan and found it was paid a month ahead. What's left over? Enough dough for a romantic anniversary dinner <3
God knows my heart, and He knows deep inside there's the desire for a filet with Bearnaise sauce and a nice glass of wine.
God knows my heart, and He knows deep inside there's the desire for a filet with Bearnaise sauce and a nice glass of wine.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Marriage and Feet
Weird enough title for a blog post? This isn't about being married and having to put up with each others feet in a gross way. Let me explain.
I guess there's no subtle way to say this. I have adorable, pudgy, baby-like, bread feet.
Given a fresh pedi and better lighting in my living room, I'd share a photo of my pillowy footsies. However, since my post isn't all about that, I'll spare you.... for now.
My wide feet wear a size 7.5 4E. Not a size readily available on the shelf. There is one shoe that has been my savior for the last several years, the New Balance 1123. I'm on my third pair. I've been rocking this pair since 2008. It used to be a pretty white and purple running shoe. Now it's a formless mound, in a desperate shade of, "Throw me away, for the love of God."
Oh yes, I'd LOVE to replace them! I bought them at around $150. Guess what? They're still that expensive. You wouldn't ever pay that much for tennys? Yeah, whatever. I said that too, until my feet had an allergic reaction to being fat and ballooned up 3 sizes too wide. They recently changed the style. The 1123 has been discontinued, and replaced with this awesomeness:
Right now, I buy flats for work in a size 10. YUP, a size 10. When I'm not snow-shoeing around the contact center in dress shoes that are too long, I am trekking in amazingly comfy shoes that are beat up and old. Neither screams professionalism.
What's the point? I started running! Well, more yogging for now. I don't get much for speed. But I've done it for a couple of weeks now at night with Randy. I love it. It's the piece that was missing from my weight loss regimen. I used to run in high school, and I always wore good shoes. I knew what happened if I didn't - shin splints, for example.
So, I'm running with Randy. My NB are too worn, so genius Me decides to get some shoes "just for now" from WALMART. Bwahahaha, yes it's so unfortunate it's worth me laughing. It hasn't even been 2 weeks of running every night and I feel like JD in Scrubs when the "Mistake!" Opera singer shows up to remind him how dumb his choice was:
My legs ache and I'm uncomfortable when I run, or even walk, in the shoes I bought. "Jessica, could your discomfort actually be from jogging at 300 pounds? And couldn't some if this be inevitable?" Well, yes, since you mention it, I am setting realistic expectations for how my body will receive this new exercise. I mentioned it to my husband, who understands what I'm going through with more sincerity than anyone I will ever come across.
Monday is our 7 year wedding anniversary, and we were planning on going out to a lovely, rich, pricey dinner at one of our favorite romantic spots, Durrant's. Tonight after our run, hubby suggested that instead of going out to eat, I should order the NB running shoes instead. Then we can go run somewhere pretty together and I won't hurt as much. I asked if he was serious, and he was.
Love! <3
Be jealous, and goodnight.
 |
| Oh yeah, just like that. |
My wide feet wear a size 7.5 4E. Not a size readily available on the shelf. There is one shoe that has been my savior for the last several years, the New Balance 1123. I'm on my third pair. I've been rocking this pair since 2008. It used to be a pretty white and purple running shoe. Now it's a formless mound, in a desperate shade of, "Throw me away, for the love of God."
Oh yes, I'd LOVE to replace them! I bought them at around $150. Guess what? They're still that expensive. You wouldn't ever pay that much for tennys? Yeah, whatever. I said that too, until my feet had an allergic reaction to being fat and ballooned up 3 sizes too wide. They recently changed the style. The 1123 has been discontinued, and replaced with this awesomeness:
 |
| Whaaaaat!!! A Beauty. |
Right now, I buy flats for work in a size 10. YUP, a size 10. When I'm not snow-shoeing around the contact center in dress shoes that are too long, I am trekking in amazingly comfy shoes that are beat up and old. Neither screams professionalism.
What's the point? I started running! Well, more yogging for now. I don't get much for speed. But I've done it for a couple of weeks now at night with Randy. I love it. It's the piece that was missing from my weight loss regimen. I used to run in high school, and I always wore good shoes. I knew what happened if I didn't - shin splints, for example.
So, I'm running with Randy. My NB are too worn, so genius Me decides to get some shoes "just for now" from WALMART. Bwahahaha, yes it's so unfortunate it's worth me laughing. It hasn't even been 2 weeks of running every night and I feel like JD in Scrubs when the "Mistake!" Opera singer shows up to remind him how dumb his choice was:
 |
| Mistaaaaaaaaaaaake! |
My legs ache and I'm uncomfortable when I run, or even walk, in the shoes I bought. "Jessica, could your discomfort actually be from jogging at 300 pounds? And couldn't some if this be inevitable?" Well, yes, since you mention it, I am setting realistic expectations for how my body will receive this new exercise. I mentioned it to my husband, who understands what I'm going through with more sincerity than anyone I will ever come across.
Monday is our 7 year wedding anniversary, and we were planning on going out to a lovely, rich, pricey dinner at one of our favorite romantic spots, Durrant's. Tonight after our run, hubby suggested that instead of going out to eat, I should order the NB running shoes instead. Then we can go run somewhere pretty together and I won't hurt as much. I asked if he was serious, and he was.
Love! <3
Be jealous, and goodnight.
Monday, April 16, 2012
So Blessed
To have a great doctor
I understand that I am at a time in my life where I have let myself become very overweight. I have had a weight awareness for the better part of the last 10 years. I don't drink, smoke, have shady sex, or take part in anything else harmful. I don't even really overeat. I just eat the wrong things. And over a number of years, have failed to remove much of my weight. Before the loving reassurance of my doctors Pierce and Branaman, I was absolutely convinced this made me a terrible, terrible human being.
I once had a nurse refuse to even let me continue my appointment because of my size. "We won't have this discussion (the absurd thought of getting me pregnant) with you until you lose 30% of your weight."
Concerning my recent journey with fertility treatment, I've learned about the root of most of my stress relating to pregnancy, although it really speaks volumes in more than one context. If I'm not dealt with in a loving, kind, accepting manner, my thoughts toward the entire subject will be the opposite of loving, kind, and accepting. I have been so concerned for the last year that I am defective, and my efforts will always be in vain. Of course I got really anxious with my last two pregnancies.
I guess what I'm trying to explain is how nice my doctors have been with me throughout this process, and how that means the world to me. I saw Dr. B today, and she was so eager to make me understand I am normal. I respond to treatment, I can conceive, and there's no reason I shouldn't expect to again soon. She stressed my bad luck streak was just that, bad luck. She said if I were to lose 10 or 15 more pounds before I get pregnant again it would be icing on the cake - if only to make me more comfortable. Of course, I see my chiropractor on a regular basis, and he is amazing with me. He has really become a cheerleader for me, and I'm glad to know him and call him a friend. It has been so nice to not be treated like a freak show. I don't want to let these two down, but it's a great feeling to know I couldn't if I tried.
New plan:
It will take 4-6 weeks for me to have a period. Dr. B says it is up to me - If I feel ready to try again, I can jump right back on clomid. If I want to wait another couple of months, that's ok too. So I will try to lose a little bit of weight. Let's see how I feel in 4-6 weeks.
In other happenings, my mom is coming over this weekend to help me with my master bedroom project. Pictures to follow. We will tackle the headboard for sure!
Thanks for visiting, talk to you soon.
I understand that I am at a time in my life where I have let myself become very overweight. I have had a weight awareness for the better part of the last 10 years. I don't drink, smoke, have shady sex, or take part in anything else harmful. I don't even really overeat. I just eat the wrong things. And over a number of years, have failed to remove much of my weight. Before the loving reassurance of my doctors Pierce and Branaman, I was absolutely convinced this made me a terrible, terrible human being.
I once had a nurse refuse to even let me continue my appointment because of my size. "We won't have this discussion (the absurd thought of getting me pregnant) with you until you lose 30% of your weight."
Concerning my recent journey with fertility treatment, I've learned about the root of most of my stress relating to pregnancy, although it really speaks volumes in more than one context. If I'm not dealt with in a loving, kind, accepting manner, my thoughts toward the entire subject will be the opposite of loving, kind, and accepting. I have been so concerned for the last year that I am defective, and my efforts will always be in vain. Of course I got really anxious with my last two pregnancies.
I guess what I'm trying to explain is how nice my doctors have been with me throughout this process, and how that means the world to me. I saw Dr. B today, and she was so eager to make me understand I am normal. I respond to treatment, I can conceive, and there's no reason I shouldn't expect to again soon. She stressed my bad luck streak was just that, bad luck. She said if I were to lose 10 or 15 more pounds before I get pregnant again it would be icing on the cake - if only to make me more comfortable. Of course, I see my chiropractor on a regular basis, and he is amazing with me. He has really become a cheerleader for me, and I'm glad to know him and call him a friend. It has been so nice to not be treated like a freak show. I don't want to let these two down, but it's a great feeling to know I couldn't if I tried.
New plan:
It will take 4-6 weeks for me to have a period. Dr. B says it is up to me - If I feel ready to try again, I can jump right back on clomid. If I want to wait another couple of months, that's ok too. So I will try to lose a little bit of weight. Let's see how I feel in 4-6 weeks.
In other happenings, my mom is coming over this weekend to help me with my master bedroom project. Pictures to follow. We will tackle the headboard for sure!
Thanks for visiting, talk to you soon.
Weird Dream Night
Wow, let's get this dream down somewhere before I forget it. I've had pregnancy dreams before. Usually, they are about me snuggling with a happy baby. This one was just creepy.
I'm me, just about 3 different "me"s.
Each me is pregnant and ready to pop.
The first me is past due, and doctors decide to do a C-section. I can hear people start to panic even though my nurse is calmly telling me to relax as I am being put under. I totally feel this process of blacking out.
The second me is past due again, this time somehow I know with a girl baby, and I am in labor but it is slow going. My family is there - this is the only pleasant scene.
The third me is also past due, but instructed to walk around town to help the process along. This me knows I'm having a boy. I get lost, meet new people, end up at a beach party, ride on a double decker tour bus to the mall, have a blast. I dance, jump around, run, and I think I even surf. It's a blast, but all out of frustration that I am not making my labor progress.
I switch randomly between the last two me's. The first one never wakes back up for me to know what happened.
Since I just got up, and am a little creeped out, and my lappy is right here - what an opportunity for the few of you to think I'm even weirder. Strange dreams happen to everyone under stress, right?
I'm me, just about 3 different "me"s.
Each me is pregnant and ready to pop.
The first me is past due, and doctors decide to do a C-section. I can hear people start to panic even though my nurse is calmly telling me to relax as I am being put under. I totally feel this process of blacking out.
The second me is past due again, this time somehow I know with a girl baby, and I am in labor but it is slow going. My family is there - this is the only pleasant scene.
The third me is also past due, but instructed to walk around town to help the process along. This me knows I'm having a boy. I get lost, meet new people, end up at a beach party, ride on a double decker tour bus to the mall, have a blast. I dance, jump around, run, and I think I even surf. It's a blast, but all out of frustration that I am not making my labor progress.
I switch randomly between the last two me's. The first one never wakes back up for me to know what happened.
Since I just got up, and am a little creeped out, and my lappy is right here - what an opportunity for the few of you to think I'm even weirder. Strange dreams happen to everyone under stress, right?
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Round 3
I'm lying on my side in bed typing this on my phone. At 4am, I was jarred from an awkward dream where my husband and one of my exes were at my grandma's house hanging out. I had some cramping and a feeling of gushing. I hadn't spilled onto the bed yet, so I cleaned up as much as possible and put out an old towel on the bed. I woke up about 6:15 to alarm, and this time, I'm glad I thought of the towel.
I don't know why anyone needs to read this, but I try to archive this process as much as possible.
This is my third go. I'm a pro. So I'm going to manage this transition like a boss and try not to faint or anything. Hopefully it is quick.
I don't know why anyone needs to read this, but I try to archive this process as much as possible.
This is my third go. I'm a pro. So I'm going to manage this transition like a boss and try not to faint or anything. Hopefully it is quick.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Last time
As I mentioned earlier, I started bleeding Sunday, and was afraid for the pregnancy - so I stayed home Monday to lie down. I had some time Monday while I was resting to talk to the baby. I explained that I was very sorry mom was stressed and scared, and sad. I said, if they were still with me, that I'm sorry if I was selfish for forcing my body to conceive, especially if that had anything to do with my bleeding. I said I was sorry for wanting them so bad. I talked about who I am, and about Randy and our families. I talked about Jesus, and heaven. I said I wanted them to be born so I could see all the good they contributed, and see them give their hearts to Jesus. I explained that even though we're subject to bad things here, it's worth it for the love we have in our families. I said I loved them and I was happy to be their mom for a few days.
Today I got the call from my doctor that my pregnancy isn't viable, and I should expect to miscarry naturally in the near future. I'm prepared for that, but it doesn't make any of this easier to swallow.
I think we'll stop trying now. I'm done losing.
Today I got the call from my doctor that my pregnancy isn't viable, and I should expect to miscarry naturally in the near future. I'm prepared for that, but it doesn't make any of this easier to swallow.
I think we'll stop trying now. I'm done losing.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Taking it easy
Yesterday I woke up and had red blood when I wiped. On and off, I had cramps and blood throughout the day. Went to the ER and found out the ol' cervix is still closed, and my HCG is at 575. Since my bleeding since then has only been spotty, my Dr still has hope. I have lied down all day today. Randy stayed home to baby me :) I'll have a blood test tomorrow afternoon to help make the determination: are we still pregnant?
What can I say? I'm a little numb. Disappointed but not surprised. Bummed. Trying to keep everyone else from worrying.
What can I say? I'm a little numb. Disappointed but not surprised. Bummed. Trying to keep everyone else from worrying.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
So much inside me, but no cinnamon rolls...
SO much to consider.
I stayed home today because I really feel out of sorts. I'm restless, and I feel like I'm falling to pieces. Not emotionally, but physically. My feet hurt, acne has declared war on my face, and I'm really really tired. I'm sure I'll be getting used to most of it, and more if I'm normal.
Since this blog is semi-private, I guess I can write this here.
I'm 5 weeks pregnant today.
The only people who know are my healthcare providers, so it is NOT Facebook official! Seriously our parents don't even know. I'm waiting for my first ultrasound to be officially pregnant. It's funny how I acted last time is exact opposite of this time around. Randy and I really want to make sure there is a living thing inside me before we go changing people's lives with the news.
Thank you, as always, for your prayers and support.
Today gives me time to think, and rest up. And plan.
Oh! I will go ahead and tell you a little about my yeast handicap while we're here. I SUCK at baking bread, fry bread, rolls, or anything that depends on yeast to rise. It doesn't seem that hard, but I simply can NOT get dough to rise. I'm bitter right now over a wasted batch of what should've been fresh cinnamon rolls all in my face. Instead, I broke off a frozen tamale from Christmas, steamed it, fried an egg, and had a glass of OJ. But... I would've really liked something sweet.
Maybe tomorrow I'll do brownies? I think that sounds awesome. And if you aren't like me (culinarily inept) and want to school me on yeast dough, please hit me up.
Thanks for visiting! Have a great day.
Mama Juice
I stayed home today because I really feel out of sorts. I'm restless, and I feel like I'm falling to pieces. Not emotionally, but physically. My feet hurt, acne has declared war on my face, and I'm really really tired. I'm sure I'll be getting used to most of it, and more if I'm normal.
Since this blog is semi-private, I guess I can write this here.
I'm 5 weeks pregnant today.
The only people who know are my healthcare providers, so it is NOT Facebook official! Seriously our parents don't even know. I'm waiting for my first ultrasound to be officially pregnant. It's funny how I acted last time is exact opposite of this time around. Randy and I really want to make sure there is a living thing inside me before we go changing people's lives with the news.
Thank you, as always, for your prayers and support.
Today gives me time to think, and rest up. And plan.
Oh! I will go ahead and tell you a little about my yeast handicap while we're here. I SUCK at baking bread, fry bread, rolls, or anything that depends on yeast to rise. It doesn't seem that hard, but I simply can NOT get dough to rise. I'm bitter right now over a wasted batch of what should've been fresh cinnamon rolls all in my face. Instead, I broke off a frozen tamale from Christmas, steamed it, fried an egg, and had a glass of OJ. But... I would've really liked something sweet.
Maybe tomorrow I'll do brownies? I think that sounds awesome. And if you aren't like me (culinarily inept) and want to school me on yeast dough, please hit me up.
Thanks for visiting! Have a great day.
Mama Juice
Friday, March 23, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
A glass of 6 cycles, half empty or half full?
Cycle 3 is a bust. The good news is my progesterone has increased the last 2 months, and this month was a 29 day cycle. I've got some good momentum going into take 4.
Out of the blue, yesterday I received a box of similac. A free sample I guess. I offered it to the lady in my office who is having a baby next month. Better than let it go to waste, I figured.
It's really getting hard to keep from beating myself up at every turn. Randy says I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I tried to dial it down this month, I really did.
So I'm fine, just a little down today.
I have a couple of big projects in the mix, so hopefully I can show those off soon. I'm thinking about making some changes in the layout of this blog, to section out my three themes: crying about infertility, home improvement, and God stuff. I had hoped they would crossover into something meaningful, but that's not how it reads sometimes. We'll see how it turns out. This writing is an outlet, primarily. If anyone is better for it being here, that's awesome.
Thanks for visiting today, talk to you soon.
Out of the blue, yesterday I received a box of similac. A free sample I guess. I offered it to the lady in my office who is having a baby next month. Better than let it go to waste, I figured.
It's really getting hard to keep from beating myself up at every turn. Randy says I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I tried to dial it down this month, I really did.
So I'm fine, just a little down today.
I have a couple of big projects in the mix, so hopefully I can show those off soon. I'm thinking about making some changes in the layout of this blog, to section out my three themes: crying about infertility, home improvement, and God stuff. I had hoped they would crossover into something meaningful, but that's not how it reads sometimes. We'll see how it turns out. This writing is an outlet, primarily. If anyone is better for it being here, that's awesome.
Thanks for visiting today, talk to you soon.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
It's a thin line
I mentioned I wanted to let you in a little more, tell you some of my background.
I have a dad who never cared to parent. I did just fine because I never idolized him. I have 3 brothers. The oldest of them is just fine as well, he's around my age and figured out about the same time I did that dad just didn't have it in him, and stopped expecting so much. My younger 2 brothers learned everything they know from him. This story is about my brother Michael.
Michael is 24 this year. He never graduated from school, although he says he's working on a GED. He communicates well with me and my mom, but we're really the only two people he trusts. He is an alcoholic. For the better part of the last 10 years, my immediate family has endured what seems like one long nightmare. Michael doesn't care about his life, he only cares about having a good time with his friends. He disappears for weeks at a time, sleeping on friends' couches. No changes of clothes, no money, no job, did I mention no clothes? When he is spent, he calls one of us up. Of course, our hearts go out to him and we want nothing more than to get him cleaned up and fed. Once he spends a few days sobering up and feeding my mom a line about how he has a couple of job prospects, he gets a phone call from a friend, arranges to be picked up, and disappears again.
My mother has always provided him this safety net. And yes, I'm sure you've seen intervention once or twice. My mom has walked the invisible line between enabler and loving mother this whole time. I've done it too. We've let Michael crash with us a couple times, only to have the same results over and over. A couple of months back, he called begging for a place to live, and after talking about it with my husband, this was my reply:
Michael, we love you and want you to be in a safe, loving family environment. We have plenty of room for you, and have the means to take care of you while you get on your feet. You can live with us under the expectation that there will be no alcohol, and no leaving - no friends in or out of the house until you're stable. I will help you find a job nearby and drop you off and pick you up. I will teach you how to manage money, and not charge you rent. I will accompany you every Friday night to a recovery program at my church, and every Sunday you will go with Randy and I to Grace Walk. You will be safe and taken care of, as long as you are ready to make these changes. Take the afternoon, call me back only if this is something you really want. No guarantee this offer will be back on the table if you don't want to get better. I will only put the effort in that you are willing to match.
He didn't call me back.
Now, my parents (mom and step dad) are moving out of their home to take care of my Nana Virgie. They won't be able to take Michael in anymore. They have mentioned this to him, as he's currently on a cycle of being the guy on the couch, and he has told them he will just call Jessica.
Here's where I walk a thin line between Christian, helper, love my brother, charity, family, & Insensitive, judgmental, uncaring... you get the point. Am I loving my brother by continuing to afford him this lifestyle? I gave him the option once to let me save him and it's just simply not what he wants. When I told my mom tonight that he couldn't stay with me, she said she doesn't think he knows how much I can't stand him. Wow, unfair.
This is so hard. I want to open my arms and know he's safe in my home. But I am not one to be used, and I can't let all of this continue when I can see the big picture.
He's my only full blood brother. Zack and Anthony are half and step. Michael is my mom's baby. Am I a terrible person? What do I do?
I have a dad who never cared to parent. I did just fine because I never idolized him. I have 3 brothers. The oldest of them is just fine as well, he's around my age and figured out about the same time I did that dad just didn't have it in him, and stopped expecting so much. My younger 2 brothers learned everything they know from him. This story is about my brother Michael.
Michael is 24 this year. He never graduated from school, although he says he's working on a GED. He communicates well with me and my mom, but we're really the only two people he trusts. He is an alcoholic. For the better part of the last 10 years, my immediate family has endured what seems like one long nightmare. Michael doesn't care about his life, he only cares about having a good time with his friends. He disappears for weeks at a time, sleeping on friends' couches. No changes of clothes, no money, no job, did I mention no clothes? When he is spent, he calls one of us up. Of course, our hearts go out to him and we want nothing more than to get him cleaned up and fed. Once he spends a few days sobering up and feeding my mom a line about how he has a couple of job prospects, he gets a phone call from a friend, arranges to be picked up, and disappears again.
My mother has always provided him this safety net. And yes, I'm sure you've seen intervention once or twice. My mom has walked the invisible line between enabler and loving mother this whole time. I've done it too. We've let Michael crash with us a couple times, only to have the same results over and over. A couple of months back, he called begging for a place to live, and after talking about it with my husband, this was my reply:
Michael, we love you and want you to be in a safe, loving family environment. We have plenty of room for you, and have the means to take care of you while you get on your feet. You can live with us under the expectation that there will be no alcohol, and no leaving - no friends in or out of the house until you're stable. I will help you find a job nearby and drop you off and pick you up. I will teach you how to manage money, and not charge you rent. I will accompany you every Friday night to a recovery program at my church, and every Sunday you will go with Randy and I to Grace Walk. You will be safe and taken care of, as long as you are ready to make these changes. Take the afternoon, call me back only if this is something you really want. No guarantee this offer will be back on the table if you don't want to get better. I will only put the effort in that you are willing to match.
He didn't call me back.
Now, my parents (mom and step dad) are moving out of their home to take care of my Nana Virgie. They won't be able to take Michael in anymore. They have mentioned this to him, as he's currently on a cycle of being the guy on the couch, and he has told them he will just call Jessica.
Here's where I walk a thin line between Christian, helper, love my brother, charity, family, & Insensitive, judgmental, uncaring... you get the point. Am I loving my brother by continuing to afford him this lifestyle? I gave him the option once to let me save him and it's just simply not what he wants. When I told my mom tonight that he couldn't stay with me, she said she doesn't think he knows how much I can't stand him. Wow, unfair.
This is so hard. I want to open my arms and know he's safe in my home. But I am not one to be used, and I can't let all of this continue when I can see the big picture.
He's my only full blood brother. Zack and Anthony are half and step. Michael is my mom's baby. Am I a terrible person? What do I do?
Monday, March 5, 2012
True Story
I woke up early and went to work at 5am today. I had a plan. I have too much on my plate right now, and that means something has to give. I have really been given the opportunity to show what I'm made of. To show my "Exceeds Expectations" qualities that earned me a bonus and a raise. If I can do 2011 like a walk in the park and have a fantastic review, I need to step it up in 2012. So this morning, I charted my day on my calendar, and made some dents in my week. I might go in early again tomorrow, and the day after that.
So, the thing that has to give right now is me. I'm up for the challenge.
It's busier right now because the lady in my office is preparing to take her maternity leave. A full 12 weeks of baby bonding. While she's not popping just yet, we're slowly dividing up her work load amongst us and all getting Tetris-ed in the process. I agree with Randy: It's nice that I get to challenge myself and find purpose in my job right now. It's great I get to learn some HR skills and learn more about the backside of my business. I'm going to come out of this a lot smarter and more efficient. But despite all that, I'd rather have MBA and screw everyone else. Must be nice.
Father, help me tonight to remember that strength isn't just physical. Help me to watch my mouth, no matter how clever I think I am sometimes. Amen.
So, the thing that has to give right now is me. I'm up for the challenge.
It's busier right now because the lady in my office is preparing to take her maternity leave. A full 12 weeks of baby bonding. While she's not popping just yet, we're slowly dividing up her work load amongst us and all getting Tetris-ed in the process. I agree with Randy: It's nice that I get to challenge myself and find purpose in my job right now. It's great I get to learn some HR skills and learn more about the backside of my business. I'm going to come out of this a lot smarter and more efficient. But despite all that, I'd rather have MBA and screw everyone else. Must be nice.
Father, help me tonight to remember that strength isn't just physical. Help me to watch my mouth, no matter how clever I think I am sometimes. Amen.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Let's Mix it Up
Today is CD5 of my current menstrual cycle, on my third cycle of Clomid (second cycle at 100mg). Yes, this means I once again will consume 2 little white pills each night before bed for 5 days. I want to be clear about something. I'm human. So terribly, embarrassingly, excruciatingly vulnerable. And characteristic of being the prettier sex, obsessive. 3 years of efforts to this point of trying to conceive have left me worn down. I alluded to this in an earlier post, but then gained a little momentum by ovulating last month. I spent $40 trying to catch a big fat positive, like a fool. I didn't cry or get upset when I got my period, because I've done that before.
Let me tell you what I did last month that I thought would help. I stopped working out, because I read somewhere that undue exertion or injury could inhibit ovulation and conception. I had a lot of sex, even when I didn't want to. If I would have conceived, I wouldn't have a memory of some passionate night shared with my spouse that created this miracle. I would remember perhaps the exact night of forced, unnecessarily technical intercourse that proved worth it. Oh, I would've been able to do this because I had it logged on a chart, along with my temperature reading and ovulation test reading for that day. I also used PreSeed ("sperm food" according to Randy), a fertility friendly lube that is supposed to help sperm navigate the hellish environment that is a vagina. Put those together and you have my butt propped up on a big pillow for 30 minutes after sex, thinking, "Wow, look how smart I am."
Instead of walking in His purpose for the day, I begged Him to walk in my purpose. Again, I was shown that no matter the success of any of my measures, or the success of the medication (in making me ovulate), He ultimately was the one who could answer yes or no. I did everything right, and one could say there's no reason it shouldn't have worked. But I know why it didn't. If it worked, it would be one more thing that I could say I did without Him.
So, let's mix it up this cycle. I haven't charted a day of temps. I won't spend money on ovulation tests. I will go in on March 13 to take my progesterone test as required, but beyond that, I promise not to monitor this cycle. This includes not planning sex. I'll just try good old romance, are men still interested in that? I will get back in the gym tomorrow after work, and we'll go ahead and start logging my food intake. That was a good habit I dropped when I began obsessing about other pursuits. I'll continue to get my adjustments and myo therapy sessions at Valley Spinal Care in Scottsdale, but mostly because I feel welcomed there and have cultivated friendships with Dr. Justin and his staff.
So, let's skip the drama for this cycle - I'll give you a break, what do you say?
I will praise Him no matter the outcome, and here's my prayer for today:
Father, thank You for accepting my love and praise today. Thank You for this day, for this hour. Thank You for my mind, my heart, my vision, my creativity - which I know is an extension of the Holy Spirit residing in me. I am a vessel to Your will, I pray that You will use me to capacity. I pray that You will align my heart to be able to expand my capacity if it's not big enough to accept what You are trying to give me. Give me the strength to be a good steward of everything You have placed in my life. My possessions, finances, relationships, dreams and ideas are all Yours that have been put in my care. Help me to honor that covenant every day and seek You first. Amen.
Pin It
Let me tell you what I did last month that I thought would help. I stopped working out, because I read somewhere that undue exertion or injury could inhibit ovulation and conception. I had a lot of sex, even when I didn't want to. If I would have conceived, I wouldn't have a memory of some passionate night shared with my spouse that created this miracle. I would remember perhaps the exact night of forced, unnecessarily technical intercourse that proved worth it. Oh, I would've been able to do this because I had it logged on a chart, along with my temperature reading and ovulation test reading for that day. I also used PreSeed ("sperm food" according to Randy), a fertility friendly lube that is supposed to help sperm navigate the hellish environment that is a vagina. Put those together and you have my butt propped up on a big pillow for 30 minutes after sex, thinking, "Wow, look how smart I am."
Instead of walking in His purpose for the day, I begged Him to walk in my purpose. Again, I was shown that no matter the success of any of my measures, or the success of the medication (in making me ovulate), He ultimately was the one who could answer yes or no. I did everything right, and one could say there's no reason it shouldn't have worked. But I know why it didn't. If it worked, it would be one more thing that I could say I did without Him.
So, let's mix it up this cycle. I haven't charted a day of temps. I won't spend money on ovulation tests. I will go in on March 13 to take my progesterone test as required, but beyond that, I promise not to monitor this cycle. This includes not planning sex. I'll just try good old romance, are men still interested in that? I will get back in the gym tomorrow after work, and we'll go ahead and start logging my food intake. That was a good habit I dropped when I began obsessing about other pursuits. I'll continue to get my adjustments and myo therapy sessions at Valley Spinal Care in Scottsdale, but mostly because I feel welcomed there and have cultivated friendships with Dr. Justin and his staff.
So, let's skip the drama for this cycle - I'll give you a break, what do you say?
I will praise Him no matter the outcome, and here's my prayer for today:
Father, thank You for accepting my love and praise today. Thank You for this day, for this hour. Thank You for my mind, my heart, my vision, my creativity - which I know is an extension of the Holy Spirit residing in me. I am a vessel to Your will, I pray that You will use me to capacity. I pray that You will align my heart to be able to expand my capacity if it's not big enough to accept what You are trying to give me. Give me the strength to be a good steward of everything You have placed in my life. My possessions, finances, relationships, dreams and ideas are all Yours that have been put in my care. Help me to honor that covenant every day and seek You first. Amen.
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| photo credit: Randy |
Weekend Update
Hello! Thanks for visiting.
I had a couple adventures this weekend. Randy's birthday was Thursday, so we spent the day in downtown Phoenix. We rode the light rail in and walked to heritage square. The setup for matsuri was under way, so not a lot of good photo ops, but Randy still managed to get a couple of shots in.
On Saturday, I picked up a couple of nice finds from an estate sale. I love everything about little old ladies, including their interior design savvy. I'll have a separate post soon cataloging my bounty, but I'll go ahead and show off my crown jewel of the day here:
This buffet is incredible. It is crafted in the way all old sturdy furniture was. Solid wood, hand painted detail, not a scratch or nick anywhere on the surface. It was so meticulously cared for, and SO worth $200. You know how much this piece of furniture would sell for in an antique store? Well over a grand, I promise. It is a creamy butter color. As soon as I can manage it, I'll take some real pictures of it to show off the detail. For now, my retro lamp and charming painting grace the top of it - although Randy hates having the Burnett covered up by the lampshade. Again, not a finished design product, just showing off the piece :)
Today, I completed an impromptu craft project. Last weekend, there was a yard sale across the street. I nabbed a metal cart that I think was used as a planter for $3. It was gross and dull and begged to be re-purposed. Well, since I can't be sure they weren't already using it as a planter, I will stretch the definition of re-purpose, and claim ignorance. Here we go!
You like?
Thanks for reading! And here's another picture of me being a BAMF on Thursday...
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| Me being amazing at the Arizona Center |
On Saturday, I picked up a couple of nice finds from an estate sale. I love everything about little old ladies, including their interior design savvy. I'll have a separate post soon cataloging my bounty, but I'll go ahead and show off my crown jewel of the day here:
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| Yes, this is your first glimpse of the Spiderman Room. |
Today, I completed an impromptu craft project. Last weekend, there was a yard sale across the street. I nabbed a metal cart that I think was used as a planter for $3. It was gross and dull and begged to be re-purposed. Well, since I can't be sure they weren't already using it as a planter, I will stretch the definition of re-purpose, and claim ignorance. Here we go!
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| I took the cart into the yard and chose a pale green spray paint from Lowe's. |
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| I washed out a set of coordinating pots I already had in the garage, and bought some flowers. |
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| Voila! An inexpensive project that makes my courtyard spring ready! |
You like?
Thanks for reading! And here's another picture of me being a BAMF on Thursday...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Here we go again!
I gave a fantastic effort, and built good momentum. Unfortunately, we didn't have any sticky beans this cycle. Have no fear, today is another cycle, which means you all get to read about it! You love reading about cervical mucus, early morning temperature taking, scheduled sexy times, and endless disappointment - or else you wouldn't be here! Just kidding, I appreciate anyone who comes across this blog who understands a little more about infertility, or just takes a moment to pray.
I'm celebrating my husband's birthday tomorrow. We're going downtown to walk around and take some pictures. We'll have lunch at Pizzeria Bianco (yaaayyyyy!). I'll post pictures to show off.
Thanks for visiting! Talk to you soon.
I'm celebrating my husband's birthday tomorrow. We're going downtown to walk around and take some pictures. We'll have lunch at Pizzeria Bianco (yaaayyyyy!). I'll post pictures to show off.
Thanks for visiting! Talk to you soon.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A Story to Tell, A Floor to Paint
I have been itching to write, but I haven't had enough time to sit down and deliver a quality blog in some time. I began writing just over a year or so ago so I can put my story out there. Not that I think I'm particularly interesting, I just want to be someone that's easy to relate to. I don't want to forget the things that make me ME. So I'll begin sprinkling in some history, memories, and lessons learned onto the delicious cupcake that is this blog. And I will fight the urge to impulse-bake chocolate cupcakes tonight after typing that...
I am in the process of acquiring an Ivory lacquer French Provincial reproduction circa 1960. A really, really beautiful buffet, sideboard, credenza, whatever. It will grace the spiderman room in less than a week's time. Which reminds me, I need to get off my lazy behind and paint the floor in the spiderman room. Paint? How ghetto, I know. Seeing as the conrete floor is already painted BLACK and RED, it can't get worse - trust me. This will be our fix until we can afford to do the flooring our way - and that might take a couple years... I'll take detailed before shots to archive the monstrosity that is the spiderman room before we cover it up.
So, anyone care to lend their design savvy to this situation? I will be painting the floor a solid color, and then I will add throw rugs to section off the seating areas. It's a large space, and I can really do a lot with it. What I'm looking for is a really great color for the floor. Something warm, but not necessarily neutral. Something interesting, but not tacky. The room is wallpapered in a textured taupe burlap color on 2 walls, and painted a warm eggshell on the others. I have a beautiful Burnett painting of a Paris street scene featuring a pop of rust and robin's egg blue. A staple of the room will be my espresso tv armoire that is making it's transition to family bar. More on that project later. Most important part was the color.
I'll leave you with a couple photos of my newest treasures
Hope this finds you well. Thank you for visiting!
I am in the process of acquiring an Ivory lacquer French Provincial reproduction circa 1960. A really, really beautiful buffet, sideboard, credenza, whatever. It will grace the spiderman room in less than a week's time. Which reminds me, I need to get off my lazy behind and paint the floor in the spiderman room. Paint? How ghetto, I know. Seeing as the conrete floor is already painted BLACK and RED, it can't get worse - trust me. This will be our fix until we can afford to do the flooring our way - and that might take a couple years... I'll take detailed before shots to archive the monstrosity that is the spiderman room before we cover it up.
So, anyone care to lend their design savvy to this situation? I will be painting the floor a solid color, and then I will add throw rugs to section off the seating areas. It's a large space, and I can really do a lot with it. What I'm looking for is a really great color for the floor. Something warm, but not necessarily neutral. Something interesting, but not tacky. The room is wallpapered in a textured taupe burlap color on 2 walls, and painted a warm eggshell on the others. I have a beautiful Burnett painting of a Paris street scene featuring a pop of rust and robin's egg blue. A staple of the room will be my espresso tv armoire that is making it's transition to family bar. More on that project later. Most important part was the color.
I'll leave you with a couple photos of my newest treasures
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| A lovely antique Ball mason jar - filled with a bunch of coral ranunculus, and a metal key hole plate thingy. Both from this month's Sweet Salvage "Raw & Re-Find" show. Except the flowers, I got those at Trader Joe's. |
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| Notice the bubbles in the glass from the way it was made, and the delicate script. |
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| I wonder where this metal panel has been. If this truly belonged to a lock, what did it protect? Notice the beautiful embossing on the edges. |
Hope this finds you well. Thank you for visiting!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
A Long Surge
Wow. Tuesday afternoon I had a positive OPK. Both lines came out equally dark. Now, I must tell you that the women trolling the underground world of TTC forums are very legalistic and would yell at me at the very moment I'm typing this, if possible, to inform me that a + OPK requires the test line to be darker than the control line.
Ok, ok, let me continue.
Tuesday evening - equally dark
Wednesday morning - equally dark
Wednesday evening - equally dark
Thursday morning (hey, that's today!) - equally dark
And just a few minutes ago for my afternoon pee - test line is darker than the control line
I have been using preseed the last 2 nights, and I will do it again tonight. My poor husband! He made the best comment ever last night during our forced (we were really sleepy from staying up too late flaying Fallout New Vegas) sexy time: "Baby making sex is dumb."
I'm wondering about this LH surge. It's pretty long. After a week of blank or faint negatives, I get the picture. However, I thought a surge was so quick you had to be lucky to catch it. 3 days long though? Multiple follicles releasing? I don't know, but if you have any insight, will you let me know? Thanks, I appreciate it.
I took today off work. I didn't feel well this morning when I woke up, and wanted to give my body a day to rest so it can do what it needs to in order to make a mom out of me.
Just wanted to drop in and give a quick update! Thanks for reading.
Ok, ok, let me continue.
Tuesday evening - equally dark
Wednesday morning - equally dark
Wednesday evening - equally dark
Thursday morning (hey, that's today!) - equally dark
And just a few minutes ago for my afternoon pee - test line is darker than the control line
I have been using preseed the last 2 nights, and I will do it again tonight. My poor husband! He made the best comment ever last night during our forced (we were really sleepy from staying up too late flaying Fallout New Vegas) sexy time: "Baby making sex is dumb."
I'm wondering about this LH surge. It's pretty long. After a week of blank or faint negatives, I get the picture. However, I thought a surge was so quick you had to be lucky to catch it. 3 days long though? Multiple follicles releasing? I don't know, but if you have any insight, will you let me know? Thanks, I appreciate it.
I took today off work. I didn't feel well this morning when I woke up, and wanted to give my body a day to rest so it can do what it needs to in order to make a mom out of me.
Just wanted to drop in and give a quick update! Thanks for reading.
Monday, February 6, 2012
I'm growing weary
Today is CD 16. I have tested for ovulation twice a day since CD 10. I have not had an LH surge. I have to have my day 21 progesterone test on Friday. My doctor is going to call me back and report no ovulation.
Simply put, I'm running into a wall. I'm getting so tired.
My prayer used to be:
Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You.
Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
Amen
But I've since added:
Lord, if I can't have this, please take away the dream. If I can't win, stop me from wasting my efforts. I'm exhausted of my fear. I'm exhausted of my shame. I'm exhausted from being tough. I'm exhausted of faith. I'm exhausted of others' pity. I'm exhausted of living in limbo. I'm exhausted from blaming myself. I've sat here waiting for you... and from that, I'm exhausted. My spirit is lying face down in the dark. Please, please, take away this dream and replace it with something else. I'm exhausted.
Simply put, I'm running into a wall. I'm getting so tired.
My prayer used to be:
Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You.
Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
Amen
But I've since added:
Lord, if I can't have this, please take away the dream. If I can't win, stop me from wasting my efforts. I'm exhausted of my fear. I'm exhausted of my shame. I'm exhausted from being tough. I'm exhausted of faith. I'm exhausted of others' pity. I'm exhausted of living in limbo. I'm exhausted from blaming myself. I've sat here waiting for you... and from that, I'm exhausted. My spirit is lying face down in the dark. Please, please, take away this dream and replace it with something else. I'm exhausted.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
My Shabby Chic Kitchen
The first project in my new home was the kitchen. A product of the 70's, the chocolate brown and harvest gold dominated the palette. Across the entire length of one side, my in-laws installed a wood feature wall. It was just wood fence posts painted brown.
My mother in-law (a beautiful, fabulous lady BTW), collected antiques. Not antique plates or paintings, but sharp, rusted, frightening objects that, for a long time, cemented an image in my mind of the kitchen being a torture shed. Wanting to give the kitchen a new, less murder-y feel, I started planning for a fresh look.
My kitchen at the old house was dark greens and reds, so I was looking forward to start with a clean slate and go LIGHT, SOFT, and FEMININE.
The bright pink runner is a guilty pleasure of mine. While the brightness of it doesn't quite seem to fit the scheme of the room, I just can't resist hot pink peonies and robin's egg blue hydrangea. I'll keep it for the sake of the term "shabby chic". Got it at Savers, BTW. The mirror was purchased at Figs, and might actually be a vanity mirror - but I don't care, it has a charming little bird perched on top that screams, "Put me in your kitchen!" The fruit bowl belonged to my Nana Virgie, and the awesome green bud vase belonged to my MIL, as I found it with the house.
My last little touch I'd like to share with you was my inspiration for this whole project. Everything was berthed from this:
My cupcake Scentsy.
It's no surprise really, given my public love for the tiny treats.
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Here's the wall as I began using wood filler to fill in most of the large gaps between the planks. Notice my cat, Umberto, supervising. Also, notice the harvest gold linoleum flooring. |
My kitchen at the old house was dark greens and reds, so I was looking forward to start with a clean slate and go LIGHT, SOFT, and FEMININE.
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The farmhouse table/ bench and windsor chairs I got from Walmart. It's as sturdy as it is gorgeous. |
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| My Mother in-law gave me this vintage kitchen stool. I love it! My Nana used to have one in pale green. |
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| My Mom got us this stunning yellow vintage 1950's hutch from an estate sale. |
On the top shelf is the English china we got for our wedding. The second shelf is my mom's Japanese china she got from my dad when he was stationed in Okinawa. The bottom shelf is all of my crystal. Yes, I realize when my kids come along, I may have to move that somewhere else...
From left to right:
Portrait of orange and pink peonies that Randy's grandmother painted. I found a white frame from Michael's and painted it a pale pink; 2 saucers I picked up at an antique salvage - I like the lime green; The two large square pictures are from Craigslist, $15 for both; The shelf in the middle is from my MIL, but the teapots are from my grandmother's collection that she gave me for Christmas;
The pink plate on the wall is 1/2 of my collection, shown here
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| My aunt Sarah gave me a pink depression glass cake plate for my last birthday. I decided to try and start a collection, and a second plate came into my life on my most recent antique excursion. The black and white apron courtesy of my sister in-law Natalie. |
So, here are a couple of highlights!
At my recent trip to QCumbers, I stumbled upon this treasure. The need for a breadbox at my house is great. I have a chocolate lab who learned how to open the pantry and help herself to our bready goodness. Although we've already fortified the pantry with child-safe locks, having the extra shelf space is handy.
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| I added a crystal knob I found at Paris Envy. |
The bright pink runner is a guilty pleasure of mine. While the brightness of it doesn't quite seem to fit the scheme of the room, I just can't resist hot pink peonies and robin's egg blue hydrangea. I'll keep it for the sake of the term "shabby chic". Got it at Savers, BTW. The mirror was purchased at Figs, and might actually be a vanity mirror - but I don't care, it has a charming little bird perched on top that screams, "Put me in your kitchen!" The fruit bowl belonged to my Nana Virgie, and the awesome green bud vase belonged to my MIL, as I found it with the house.
My last little touch I'd like to share with you was my inspiration for this whole project. Everything was berthed from this:
My cupcake Scentsy.
It's no surprise really, given my public love for the tiny treats.
So there you have it. My kitchen so far. The business end will be undergoing a makeover as well, with painted cabinets and a creative backsplash. Maybe when the whole project is done, I'll have some real photos taken of it all. I love to hang out in here, cook, eat, and imagine my husband and kids sitting around the table.
I'll post more projects as they're completed! Thanks for visiting!
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