Let's Mix it Up

Today is CD5 of my current menstrual cycle, on my third cycle of Clomid (second cycle at 100mg). Yes, this means I once again will consume 2 little white pills each night before bed for 5 days. I want to be clear about something. I'm human. So terribly, embarrassingly, excruciatingly vulnerable. And characteristic of being the prettier sex, obsessive. 3 years of efforts to this point of trying to conceive have left me worn down. I alluded to this in an earlier post, but then gained a little momentum by ovulating last month.  I spent $40 trying to catch a big fat positive, like a fool. I didn't cry or get upset when I got my period, because I've done that before.

Let me tell you what I did last month that I thought would help.  I stopped working out, because I read somewhere that undue exertion or injury could inhibit ovulation and conception. I had a lot of sex, even when I didn't want to. If I would have conceived, I wouldn't have a memory of some passionate night shared with my spouse that created this miracle. I would remember perhaps the exact night of forced, unnecessarily technical intercourse that  proved worth it. Oh, I would've been able to do this because I had it logged on a chart, along with my temperature reading and ovulation test reading for that day. I also used PreSeed ("sperm food" according to Randy), a fertility friendly lube that is supposed to help sperm navigate the hellish environment that is a vagina.  Put those together and you have my butt propped up on a big pillow for 30 minutes after sex, thinking, "Wow, look how smart I am."

Instead of walking in His purpose for the day, I begged Him to walk in my purpose. Again, I was shown that no matter the success of any of my measures, or the success of the medication (in making me ovulate), He ultimately was the one who could answer yes or no. I did everything right, and one could say there's no reason it shouldn't have worked. But I know why it didn't. If it worked, it would be one more thing that I could say I did without Him.

So, let's mix it up this cycle.  I haven't charted a day of temps. I won't spend money on ovulation tests. I will go in on March 13 to take my progesterone test as required, but beyond that, I promise not to monitor this cycle. This includes not planning sex. I'll just try good old romance, are men still interested in that? I will get back in the gym tomorrow after work, and we'll go ahead and start logging my food intake. That was a good habit I dropped when I began obsessing about other pursuits. I'll continue to get my adjustments and myo therapy sessions at Valley Spinal Care in Scottsdale, but mostly because I feel welcomed there and have cultivated friendships with Dr. Justin and his staff.

So, let's skip the drama for this cycle - I'll give you a break, what do you say?

I will praise Him no matter the outcome, and here's my prayer for today:

Father, thank You for accepting my love and praise today. Thank You for this day, for this hour.  Thank You for my mind, my heart, my vision, my creativity - which I know is an extension of the Holy Spirit residing in me. I am a vessel to Your will, I pray that You will use me to capacity.  I pray that You will align my heart to be able to expand my capacity if it's not big enough to accept what You are trying to give me. Give me the strength to be a good steward of everything You have placed in my life. My possessions, finances, relationships, dreams and ideas are all Yours that have been put in my care. Help me to honor that covenant every day and seek You first.  Amen.

photo credit: Randy

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Weekend Update

Hello! Thanks for visiting.

Me being amazing at the Arizona Center

I had a couple adventures this weekend. Randy's birthday was Thursday, so we spent the day in downtown Phoenix.  We rode the light rail in and walked to heritage square. The setup for matsuri was under way, so not a lot of good photo ops, but Randy still managed to get a couple of shots in.



On Saturday, I picked up a couple of nice finds from an estate sale. I love everything about little old ladies, including their interior design savvy. I'll have a separate post soon cataloging my bounty, but I'll go ahead and show off my crown jewel of the day here:

Yes, this is your first glimpse of the Spiderman Room.

This buffet is incredible. It is crafted in the way all old sturdy furniture was. Solid wood, hand painted detail, not a scratch or nick anywhere on the surface. It was so meticulously cared for, and SO worth $200. You know how much this piece of furniture would sell for in an antique store? Well over a grand, I promise. It is a creamy butter color. As soon as I can manage it, I'll take some real pictures of it to show off the detail.  For now, my retro lamp and charming painting grace the top of it - although Randy hates having the Burnett covered up by the lampshade. Again, not a finished design product, just showing off the piece  :)

Today, I completed an impromptu craft project.  Last weekend, there was a yard sale across the street. I nabbed a metal cart that I think was used as a planter for $3.  It was gross and dull and begged to be re-purposed. Well, since I can't be sure they weren't already using it as a planter, I will stretch the definition of re-purpose, and claim ignorance. Here we go!

I took the cart into the yard and chose a pale green spray paint from Lowe's.

I washed out a set of coordinating pots I already had in the garage, and bought some flowers.

Voila! An inexpensive project that makes my courtyard spring ready!

You like?

Thanks for reading! And here's another picture of me being a BAMF on Thursday...

Here we go again!

I gave a fantastic effort, and built good momentum. Unfortunately, we didn't have any sticky beans this cycle. Have no fear, today is another cycle, which means you all get to read about it! You love reading about cervical mucus, early morning temperature taking, scheduled sexy times, and endless disappointment - or else you wouldn't be here! Just kidding, I appreciate anyone who comes across this blog who understands a little more about infertility, or just takes a moment to pray.

I'm celebrating my husband's birthday tomorrow. We're going downtown to walk around and take some pictures. We'll have lunch at Pizzeria Bianco (yaaayyyyy!). I'll post pictures to show off.

Thanks for visiting! Talk to you soon.

A Story to Tell, A Floor to Paint

I have been itching to write, but I haven't had enough time to sit down and deliver a quality blog in some time.  I began writing just over a year or so ago so I can put my story out there. Not that I think I'm particularly interesting, I just want to be someone that's easy to relate to. I don't want to forget the things that make me ME. So I'll begin sprinkling in some history, memories, and lessons learned onto the delicious cupcake that is this blog. And I will fight the urge to impulse-bake chocolate cupcakes tonight after typing that...

I am in the process of acquiring an Ivory lacquer French Provincial reproduction circa 1960. A really, really beautiful buffet, sideboard, credenza, whatever. It will grace the spiderman room in less than a week's time. Which reminds me, I need to get off my lazy behind and paint the floor in the spiderman room. Paint? How ghetto, I know. Seeing as the conrete floor is already painted BLACK and RED, it can't get worse - trust me. This will be our fix until we can afford to do the flooring our way - and that might take a couple years... I'll take detailed before shots to archive the monstrosity that is the spiderman room before we cover it up.

So, anyone care to lend their design savvy to this situation? I will be painting the floor a solid color, and then I will add throw rugs to section off the seating areas.  It's a large space, and I can really do a lot with it. What I'm looking for is a really great color for the floor. Something warm, but not necessarily neutral. Something interesting, but not tacky. The room is wallpapered in a textured taupe burlap color on 2 walls, and painted a warm eggshell on the others. I have a beautiful Burnett painting of a Paris street scene featuring a pop of rust and robin's egg blue.  A staple of the room will be my espresso tv armoire that is making it's transition to family bar. More on that project later. Most important part was the color.

I'll leave you with a couple photos of my newest treasures

A lovely antique Ball mason jar - filled with a bunch of coral ranunculus, and a metal key hole plate thingy. Both from this month's Sweet Salvage "Raw & Re-Find" show.  Except the flowers, I got those at Trader Joe's.

Notice the bubbles in the glass from the way it was made, and the delicate script.

I wonder where this metal panel has been. If this truly belonged to a lock, what did it protect? Notice the beautiful embossing on the edges.

 
Hope this finds you well. Thank you for visiting!

A Long Surge

Wow. Tuesday afternoon I had a positive OPK. Both lines came out equally dark. Now, I must tell you that the women trolling the underground world of TTC forums are very legalistic and would yell at me at the very moment I'm typing this, if possible, to inform me that a + OPK requires the test line to be darker than the control line.

Ok, ok, let me continue.

Tuesday evening - equally dark
Wednesday morning - equally dark
Wednesday evening - equally dark
Thursday morning (hey, that's today!) - equally dark
And just a few minutes ago for my afternoon pee - test line is darker than the control line

I have been using preseed the last 2 nights, and I will do it again tonight.  My poor husband! He made the best comment ever last night during our forced (we were really sleepy from staying up too late flaying Fallout New Vegas) sexy time: "Baby making sex is dumb."

I'm wondering about this LH surge. It's pretty long. After a week of blank or faint negatives, I get the picture. However, I thought a surge was so quick you had to be lucky to catch it. 3 days long though?  Multiple follicles releasing? I don't know, but if you have any insight, will you let me know? Thanks, I appreciate it.

I took today off work. I didn't feel well this morning when I woke up, and wanted to give my body a day to rest so it can do what it needs to in order to make a mom out of me.

Just wanted to drop in and give a quick update! Thanks for reading.

I'm growing weary

Today is CD 16.  I have tested for ovulation twice a day since CD 10.  I have not had an LH surge. I have to have my day 21 progesterone test on Friday. My doctor is going to call me back and report no ovulation.

Simply put, I'm running into a wall. I'm getting so tired.

My prayer used to be:

Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You.
Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
Amen


But I've since added:

Lord, if I can't have this, please take away the dream. If I can't win, stop me from wasting my efforts. I'm exhausted of my fear. I'm exhausted of my shame. I'm exhausted from being tough. I'm exhausted of faith. I'm exhausted of others' pity.  I'm exhausted of living in limbo.  I'm exhausted from blaming myself.  I've sat here waiting for you... and from that, I'm exhausted. My spirit is lying face down in the dark. Please, please, take away this dream and replace it with something else. I'm exhausted.

My Shabby Chic Kitchen

The first project in my new home was the kitchen.  A product of the 70's, the chocolate brown and harvest gold dominated the palette. Across the entire length of one side, my in-laws installed a wood feature wall. It was just wood fence posts painted brown.

 Here's the wall as I began using wood filler to fill in most of the large gaps between the planks. 

Notice my cat, Umberto, supervising. Also, notice the harvest gold linoleum flooring.

My mother in-law (a beautiful, fabulous lady BTW), collected antiques.  Not antique plates or paintings, but sharp, rusted, frightening objects that, for a long time, cemented an image in my mind of the kitchen being a torture shed. Wanting to give the kitchen a new, less murder-y feel, I started planning for a fresh look.

My kitchen at the old house was dark greens and reds, so I was looking forward to start with a clean slate and go LIGHT, SOFT, and FEMININE.

The farmhouse table/ bench and windsor chairs I got from Walmart. It's as sturdy as it is gorgeous.

My Mother in-law gave me this vintage kitchen stool. I love it! My Nana used to have one in pale green.

My Mom got us this stunning yellow vintage 1950's hutch from an estate sale.

On the top shelf is the English china we got for our wedding. The second shelf is my mom's Japanese china she got from my dad when he was stationed in Okinawa. The bottom shelf is all of my crystal. Yes, I realize when my kids come along, I may have to move that somewhere else...

From left to right:

Portrait of orange and pink peonies that Randy's grandmother painted. I found a white frame from Michael's and painted it a pale pink;  2 saucers I picked up at an antique salvage - I like the lime green; The two large square pictures are from Craigslist, $15 for both; The shelf in the middle is from my MIL, but the teapots are from my grandmother's collection that she gave me for Christmas; 

The pink plate on the wall is 1/2 of my collection, shown here

My aunt Sarah gave me a pink depression glass cake plate for my last birthday. I decided to try and start a collection, and a second plate came into my life on my most recent antique excursion.
The black and white apron courtesy of my
sister in-law Natalie.

So, here are a couple of highlights!

At my recent trip to QCumbers, I stumbled upon this treasure. The need for a breadbox at my house is great. I have a chocolate lab who learned how to open the pantry and help herself to our bready goodness. Although we've already fortified the pantry with child-safe locks, having the extra shelf space is handy.

I added a crystal knob I found at Paris Envy.

The bright pink runner is a guilty pleasure of mine. While the brightness of it doesn't quite seem to fit the scheme of the room, I just can't resist hot pink peonies and robin's egg blue hydrangea. I'll keep it for the sake of the term "shabby chic". Got it at Savers, BTW.  The mirror was purchased at Figs, and might actually be a vanity mirror - but I don't care, it has a charming little bird perched on top that screams, "Put me in your kitchen!" The fruit bowl belonged to my Nana Virgie, and the awesome green bud vase belonged to my MIL, as I found it with the house.

My last little touch I'd like to share with you was my inspiration for this whole project. Everything was berthed from this:

My cupcake Scentsy.
It's no surprise really, given my public love for the tiny treats.

So there you have it. My kitchen so far.  The business end will be undergoing a makeover as well, with painted cabinets and a creative backsplash. Maybe when the whole project is done, I'll have some real photos taken of it all.  I love to hang out in here, cook, eat, and imagine my husband and kids sitting around the table. 

I'll post more projects as they're completed! Thanks for visiting!