The Abba Cry

 As you know, I separated from my church family this summer. It seems like forever ago, but it's only been just over 2 months.

I feel like a reject, because I haven't found it easy to immediately bloom where I'm being planted. I thought the church I was in wouldn't matter, because God's presence is everywhere, and besides, it was more important for Randy to feel connected. I'm the easy one.

I have to confess, this is the last church Jesus himself would visit. Not because they're not on fire for the Lord, but because everything is perfect. This operation is the pinnacle of efficiency, technology, competence, quality speakers, community outreach, mission....

The worship is so clean and professional. Very high quality musicians and singers. Great production, etc. too. I'm just not moved by it. It doesn't seem like someone should need to feel a connection to music in a church, right? It's just part of the package, right?

Music became such a fundamental part of how I acknowledged my devotion to God. There is just something about worship that completely cleanses the worshiper, if they enter in. Learning this practice revolutionized my relationship with God, and although I wasn't that talented a musician or singer, it's the end, not the means, that's important here.

Maybe some people can feel it, but I can't detect the holy spirit in the new sanctuary. Nowhere! I am emotional, all right, because maybe they just sung a song that usually "did it" for me, and now I feel nothing.

I have a pent up longing for a connection I haven't been making.  I need to re-train myself how to have fellowship with God.

I went into my room and fell to my knees and poured out to Him with my hands held up, like a toddler asking their parent to pick them up. The Abba cry.

This is one of those songs that helps me out. I started crying like a baby, or like a mentally and emotionally exhausted traveler, or a desperate hormonal woman, be it the case...

Away from the noise
Alone with you
Away to hear Your voice
And meet with You
Nothing else matters
My one desire is

To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to Worship You




Away ... away from the noise
Alone with You
Away... Away to hear your voice
And meet with you
Meet with you
It's been awhile
But hear my heart cry again

To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to Worship You

Nothing else matters

And when you have no words left just say OH
 

How on earth

How on earth am I going to share my heart with another Penn?

Love grows!!!

And the time is right, I feel nothing but happiness.

October

I'm glad for a couple reasons. I've had more good than bad days. It's been 3 weeks since my ectopic surgery. It's been ONLY 4 months since miscarriage number 3. It's been 13 months since number 2, and over 4 years since the first.

I'm glad because my husband finally picked up the book I read about adoption called "Adopted for Life."

I'm glad because I am on the pill, with no more worry, for now, of losing another pregnancy. Please, let me just come up for a breath or air.

I'm glad because there are doctors now who will take my losses seriously.

I'm sad there has to be an awareness month for loss. I'm sad I'll pay out the nose for a surgery I didn't ask for, but couldn't have been avoided. I'm sad I can't seem to live a life that doesn't focus on this - parenthood, family, dreams, loss- quite so often.

I'm sad I've been led here again by my Lord, although I know He's here. It's still raining.

But it's October, my favorite time of year. I'll go with my comadre to pick out my Godson's costume this weekend. I get to kiss his fat cheeks, and I'll be happy.