Really?!

Boy, I seem to be having a bad day. Well, no, actually. The beginning of the day was awesome. My team set up to serve catering for the final day of employee appreciation.  Valley Spinal Care came in, and I got to hang out with my chiropractor Dr. Justin. I got to bask in the week's success and read all of the email kudos from the people who enjoyed the activities, etc.

Everything was awesome until about 3:30. My co-worker stopped us all and had an announcement. She is pregnant.  No, wait:  She is 37 and pregnant.  37, and had her tubes tied 8 years ago and pregnant.  37, tubes tied, and not trying, but got pregnant.  37, fixed, oops, and is 12 weeks pregnant.  37 , FIXED, ACCIDENTALLY GOT PREGNANT AND IS DUE WITHIN A WEEK of when I was due.

I feel like a shit. Bad.

My brand is known for rationality and tact and strength in faith.  Let's forget about that right now. I'm sure I'll touch on all of that soon enough...

What the Fuck?!Seriously! We were pregnant at the same time. Talk about not fair.  I am such a loser right now. 

Home Projects Introduction

In the beginning, this blog was designed, primarily, to chronicle my home improvement projects.  I will be starting a series on designing the interior of my new home, and I'll be posting before and afters on all of the bedrooms, kitchen, living room, yards, and the Spiderman Room. I"ll throw in fun DIY projects along the way.

My first project will be my laundry room, which also doubles as pet central. I will post a "before" photo soon!

Have a great week!

The New Wait

Seeing two lines pop up so quickly in my recent pregnancy sure spoiled me.

After a couple years of random scant ovulation, I was so used to seeing a BFN - The stark white, barren 2/3 of a test window left beside the lonely hot pink control line. I lost many a staring contest with this shiny abyss, hoping that if I stared for the entire 3 minutes, a line would appear to reward my efforts. When, this August, I got my surprise, again I was in shock. A results line populated, aggressively, before the moisture even reached the control line on the window. Never had parallel lines been so breathtaking.  It was so easy. All I had to do was pee.

Since MBA left us, I have been so spoiled on pregnancy tests.  It's been 5 weeks, and no period.  We haven't missed a beat, let me assure you. As the HCG slowly dwindled from my system, I banged like a newlywed.  We decided that has been pretty fun, and have made a hobby out of it. I purchased a couple of tests Friday and took one.  I thought I was crazy! I saw what looked like an extremely faint positive line. Even Randy saw it, and confirmed I wasn't making it up. The next morning, nothing. Ah, we meet again old friend... I went ahead and tested again this evening. Another No.  I feel  like a child who all of a sudden can't get away with something anymore - pouting in the corner, muttering, "it's not FAIR!"  So spoiled that the last serious test I took was positive so quickly, and thinking since I was successful once, it shouldn't be hard to simply replicate that result. I really believe you can make something real with your mind. See what you want to see.  I saw a line, and so did Randy, but it wasn't really there. 

Tomorrow is another day in what I am referring to as the new wait. In sales you are taught that every no is closer to a yes.  I was always terrible at sales, though.  I couldn't see convincing someone that something was there that really wasn't (value in a product they didn't need, etc.).  However, I seem to be pretty good at convincing myself... Need to take my own advice I guess.

I made it through Carolyn's baby shower today.  There wasn't any worry that I wouldn't, but I want to acknowledge that I did fine.  I am so stoked for her, as she's also tried to have this baby for so many years and been told NO so many times. She also has an angel baby from the process.  I wanted her success, her hope to rub off on me. 

I can only be strong most of the time.  If you haven't realized it yet, I'm having a hard time today. I miss my baby.

I can see the gym from my desk

I work right across the street from LA Fitness on 55th Ave. & Bell. I sit in a lovely office facing a large window with a Bell Rd. vista.  I have been going to the gym for a couple of months, but only within the last couple weeks have been really getting into it.  I'm losing inches, gaining muscle, yeah yeah yeah... I have stopped concentrating on that.  I had a moment on an excersize bike that changed it all.  I have heard of people being addicted to spin classes before and thought they were just assholes, but now I think I see the appeal.

I wasn't in a class, mind you, but I was on a bike, watching television on mute because I forgot my headphones.  At about 7 minutes in, I got this rush of euphoria and motivation to push it a little and peddle faster. Increase the resistance, increase my heart rate. I've been excited for cardio ever since then, and my energy level has risen. I feel so much in control, and I love that.

I used to have a friend growing up named Jenny.  I used to tease her because she was my size, but dressed too old. Her pants could've been from the jr. section, but they were from misses. She could've straightened her hair, and put makeup on (she had a very pretty face), but she didn't.  Her ideas were never fun, and her life was too practical.  She was a good confidante and friend while it lasted, but I always remember wishing she would just get with the program.  I have seen my own reflection lately and don't recognize myself from Jenny.  Goodness, my hair is even identical to hers - a natural wavy, wash and wear, bob.  Just presentable enough to get by.  I am letting it grow, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I let myself go a LONG time ago.  This is so much more than a physical thing. I've bought clothes, styled my hair, and worked out plenty in the past few years. This is so much more than a makeover issue.  I stopped caring a long time ago whether I was pretty for myself, whether I was expressing myself through my appearance, and what that even means.  I am the pearl of great price, and I know my Lord created something that is dear to him. So I know my beauty comes from within, I've got that part down pat. I forgot how to have fun with being a beautiful woman. 

I lost control of myself in more than one way.  I felt like I got some of that back with pushing my body to do what it hates, cardio.  We are all in a constant struggle against our body, which is subject to worldly principles. When we reference creation, we assume that our present state (illness, obesity, etc.) is rolled into the intended product. Our souls are subject to the kingdom, and being fearfully and wonderfully made, we have the ability to make our bodies reflect all of our God given radiance.

I do desire to see change on the outside.  But I won't focus on that. Instead, I'll concentrate on getting back what I've lost from within. My desires and dreams for confidence, artistic expression, and satisfaction in the small efforts to fix up more often. Beauty will follow. Besides, I can see the gym from my desk.

Can't Sleep Tonight

It's 10:40pm.

It's not terribly late, but Randy's already peacefully asleep, and I'm online having already checked my facebook, bank account, email, and news. Nothing noteworthy on either account.

I had a great weekend.  I went shopping, started the baby blanket for Kenner's baby Lillian, ate Chinese food, and didn't do shit around the house. By all definitions of the term, I am super HAPPY.

So, why is it that I let the one shitty thing that happened this weekend weigh on me?  I'm furious at my cousin Shanna (again), but I am also so sad for her.  This story isn't new to anyone keeping up.  I show up at family gathering,  Shanna gets trashed, Shanna spouts something out of line. I've heard that Psych majors are really just crazy losers, married people are just crazy losers (with no goals), people who went to ASU are just crazy losers.... See a theme?  Anything I associate and/or identify with makes me suck by virtue of the fact that Shanna has nothing to do with it.  I don't mean to gloss over the hatred she emits, but I need to make clear that she's really mean without sounding whiny. I hope you understand.

I was having a chat with my cousin Jackie, a nice lady who had real, actual concern for my recent miscarriage, who had a couple of questions which I was well enough to answer candidly.  Questions having to do with the specifics of my pregnancy and the timeline, symptoms, etc. of said miscarriage.  Shanna teetered over, as we were standing near the restroom, Shanna's ultimate destination.  Obviously knowing the situation, and overhearing the conversation, she came up to me and gave me a hug. I'll paraphrase: 

I'm so sorry Jess.  I don't know anything about what you are going through, because I have never had any problems getting pregnant.  I mean, I can get pregnant like *this (finger snap).  I mean, I get pregnant so easily that it's ridiculous.  I do wish I had your boobs though.  (pushing her boobs against mine, classy) We could switch so you could get pregnant and I could have your boobs. (Shanna, you can buy boobs easier than I can buy a baby) Well, I'll just make a baby and sell it to you then... blah blah blah I'm a drunk whore...

Jackie got in her face and let her know it was inappropriate to rub my face in it, and Shanna scurried off decided it was time to leave.

For one, Shanna has just one kid.  So where are all these easy pregnancies she's bragging about? Probably equally easy abortions if I had to guess.  I really wonder if she remembers the things she says the next day.  When she wakes up alone, does she remember talking down to people?  When she is bored because she has no real friends, does she sit and think up reasons why she's better than me?

 I can't say I'm all that attractive or fashionable.  I haven't fit into a size 2 since before puberty. I have acne and am bat shit blind.  I can't hear out of one ear and I have circus freak show 46DDD boobs. I have fat feet that don't fit into cute shoes, and an unruly head of hair. There are so many things about me that are undesirable and awkward.

Beyond all that, I'm loved by an amazing man, I have more real friends than pairs of shoes, I live a life with a kingdom purpose, and I am one of the nicest people anyone will ever meet.  Why am I sad tonight?  Shanna can't say anything I just did.  She's stuck on a loop, thinking she should be happy by now with the VIP designer life that's been handed to her on a silver platter. I'm glad at least she knows Jesus.  I hope she realizes one day He's the only one that can give her life meaning.  When she is ready, I will be there as a friend.

Until then, I avoid that bitch when all possible.

Good night!

After 18 days, heaven got a little more Awesome

Bleeding was not uncommon during this whole pregnancy. I was tipped off to test in the first place because I was spotting brown on cycle day 23. Implantation spotting that lasted 10 days.  To see spotting here and there for the next week wasn't too alarming.  Trust me, I was scared every time, but I would call my doctor and they would assure me it was normal.  Just look out for clots and pain. Noted.

Thursday evening I started spotting red. I had some bad cramping.  I was desperately trying to convince myself it was round ligament pain, and it was normal for some women to bleed during pregnancy. Happens all the time.


I had a dream that night.  I had the most precious baby boy. He looked a lot like Randy, but with darker features like mine. This dream seemed to last all night, with me trying so hard to make this baby happy.  He was moody and cranky, crying and refusing to eat.  he was so uncomfortable and didn't seem to like anything I did for him.  I woke up with some pain and went to the bathroom to see what I had been hoping I'd never find. A clot about the size of a dime with mucous-y red blood.

The doctor at the hospital said my cervix was still closed. "Threatened Miscarriage," was the term used to classify me.  This became clearer after the douchelord nurse tech came in and said my HCG was only 761.  On 8/11 my beta was 547, on 8/15 it had only risen to 727.  When I heard the level was only 761, my heart sank and I knew how the rest of the day was going to go.

The ultrasound bitch was no better. I swear, more lesbos need to become ultrasound techs.  This lady could not properly insert her wand to scope my vag.  I had to do the honors myself, and it was really awkward.  A girl my size has to get into jacked up positioning to shove stuff in there. I hope in the future, I get a tech who knows their way around down there. Just sayin'.

Anyway, the doctor could not find my baby in utero.  No sac, nothing. In fact, on the report that they would send me home with 2 copies of (Thanks, now I can read this twice, assholes. Thanks for wasting paper on that.), they would describe my uterus as having a nongravid appearance. Nongravid means not pregnant.  My measurements were the average size of a non pregnant uterus. At this point, there was a concern that I might  have an ectopic pregnancy.

I was sent home and told to follow up with my OB. I will do that tomorrow.  In the meantime, I have bled pretty good.  I am pretty sure I did not have an ectopic pregnancy due to having no localized pain on either side, and that I passed a lot of tissue. I was pretty calm and doing well until I passed something familiar.  Tissue that wasn't liquid-y, and was dark purple with a white-gray membrane.  When I saw what I recognized from my first miscarriage, I had my breakdown.

I am ok, Randy is ok now too.  I always knew the risk of miscarriage in my case in particular.  Let me explain. I have PCOS, which for me means my ovaries are retards.  I don't produce good quality eggs.  When I do release an egg, it's only once or twice a year.  This also means I have a problem producing progesterone, which is apparently very important in early pregnancy to support the embryo until the placenta is intact.

After losing two pregnancies, one where I didn't know I was pregnant, and one where we told everyone immediately,  I have come to the conclusion that it is much, much more heartbreaking to lose the baby nobody ever cared was there in the first place. So, I don't regret telling everyone up front. I got to be a mom for 18 days.  When the Lord comes again, I will have 2 children waiting for me.  Until then, they are in the care of my wonderfully capable Nana Vera.

Yes, I'll keep trying.  After I my periods are back to normal and I get the ok to start banging again.  Before we found out we were pregnant this time, we had been preparing to go through the process of becoming foster parents and possibly adopting.  I think we'll start that process up again.  In the end, all is well, as my babies are in heaven where they were destined to be. I'll just have to wait a little longer to meet them. But if I'm a pro at anything here on earth, it's waiting...

Fertility Appointment

Earlier this summer, I felt a calling that my childless suffering should end. Time to take action! I may have even blogged about it. My action was to google "best fertility doctor in AZ" and see what happened.  I ended up on the website for AZ ARMS, a fertility practice here in Phoenix.  I called. I made an appointment.  That appointment was for TODAY!

Yeah I had to call and cancel.

God is amazing in His timing. I believe He packages His blessings in the way the recipient can best recognize them.  I tie pink bows on things. I deliver everyday items in tissue paper and coordinating ribbon.  I'm so glad I serve a God who does the same for me!

My next appointment will be for an ultrasound to see my precious baby's heartbeat. September 13, 2011.