I woke up early and made breakfast, eggs tortillas and OJ. Watched the sun rise, enjoyed my animals in my nice house after Randy left for the day. I want to apologize for what must sound like more drama from yours truly, but I promised to give you all of me, not just the impressive parts.
I read a post from Donielle's blog: http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/the-sting-of-mothers-day/
Reading her words about peace during the Mother's Day holiday for women who believe they should have a child in their arms, but don't - I've once again been reduced to red eyes, puffy face, mocos, and tears. Every time I read another woman's experience, I feel like they share in some kind of secret.
All is well with me, my bad days are fewer and father between. This won't be a bad day for me, just happened to be an emotional morning. Worth documenting? Only if you like to read about me crying. Worth passing on Donielle's blog info? Definitely.
Thanks for visiting :) Have a good weekend.
Juice
Friday, May 11, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Finding a reason why
I did something different tonight. I went to a yoga class at the gym. I went because I know you have to be amazingly strong to hang in yoga, which I am not. I wanted to test my limit, which I found in the first 5 minutes. Instead of quickly pulling my *new* shoes back on and disappearing, I stayed and sat quietly and watched. I don't know what the protocol is on that sort of thing, but nobody seemed to mind. I wanted to observe everyone's different levels of ability and found that not all the skinny girls were good at it, and not all the fat girls were bad at it. The instructor was a gorgeously toned girl that wasn't skinny at all. But OMG was she strong! I eventually ended up leaving because I felt so in awe I was afraid I was giving off a creeper vibe.
OK, one more thing about the instructor - she had loooong hair that was pulled into one of those waterfall braids I keep seeing on Pinterest - I want that! Someone teach me?
At the beginning, our eyes were closed and I was instructed to listen and concentrate on my breathing. What impressed me was the instruction to identify our purpose for standing on the mat. How many times have I been asked to come up with a reason why I should change my life? How many answers have I given, for lack of time and consideration, pressured by a judgmental inquisitor, and never really been sure?
Maybe it was just the right time and place, and maybe my ramped up devotionals have taken over my thinking. Without a moment of hesitation, my mind answered, "To overcome my flesh."
My body, which I have fought against for years. What should be His instrument, but has become the chains around my ankles. What should be His temple, but is in the most real way working against His will. What the enemy has been using to remind me to feel inferior and remind me I am weak. My flesh, all 300 lbs of my physical self that I have let turn me into a monster. The struggle in which the fruits have been infertility, insecurity, anger, jealousy, laziness, and many other things the enemy of my soul has indulged himself to watch me go through.
I felt such an awakening after I finally answered the question to, "why do any of this?"
I went home and went for a run. I still struggle in this, but I kept claiming victory after every step. The weather was lovely. Through my heavy breath, I felt like I was running for my life. I thanked Him for the next breath, and the remembrance that He is the one who sustains me gave me so much hope! I can't fail because He is my breath and my steps. He is right there in my fight to overcome my flesh.
I keep typing and deleting all my next thoughts, probably because they're still cooking and not properly formed yet. Maybe I'll continue in another post.
OK, one more thing about the instructor - she had loooong hair that was pulled into one of those waterfall braids I keep seeing on Pinterest - I want that! Someone teach me?
At the beginning, our eyes were closed and I was instructed to listen and concentrate on my breathing. What impressed me was the instruction to identify our purpose for standing on the mat. How many times have I been asked to come up with a reason why I should change my life? How many answers have I given, for lack of time and consideration, pressured by a judgmental inquisitor, and never really been sure?
Maybe it was just the right time and place, and maybe my ramped up devotionals have taken over my thinking. Without a moment of hesitation, my mind answered, "To overcome my flesh."
My body, which I have fought against for years. What should be His instrument, but has become the chains around my ankles. What should be His temple, but is in the most real way working against His will. What the enemy has been using to remind me to feel inferior and remind me I am weak. My flesh, all 300 lbs of my physical self that I have let turn me into a monster. The struggle in which the fruits have been infertility, insecurity, anger, jealousy, laziness, and many other things the enemy of my soul has indulged himself to watch me go through.
I felt such an awakening after I finally answered the question to, "why do any of this?"
I went home and went for a run. I still struggle in this, but I kept claiming victory after every step. The weather was lovely. Through my heavy breath, I felt like I was running for my life. I thanked Him for the next breath, and the remembrance that He is the one who sustains me gave me so much hope! I can't fail because He is my breath and my steps. He is right there in my fight to overcome my flesh.
I keep typing and deleting all my next thoughts, probably because they're still cooking and not properly formed yet. Maybe I'll continue in another post.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Anniversary Favor
Found shoes half the price, went to pay my student loan and found it was paid a month ahead. What's left over? Enough dough for a romantic anniversary dinner <3
God knows my heart, and He knows deep inside there's the desire for a filet with Bearnaise sauce and a nice glass of wine.
God knows my heart, and He knows deep inside there's the desire for a filet with Bearnaise sauce and a nice glass of wine.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Marriage and Feet
Weird enough title for a blog post? This isn't about being married and having to put up with each others feet in a gross way. Let me explain.
I guess there's no subtle way to say this. I have adorable, pudgy, baby-like, bread feet.
Given a fresh pedi and better lighting in my living room, I'd share a photo of my pillowy footsies. However, since my post isn't all about that, I'll spare you.... for now.
My wide feet wear a size 7.5 4E. Not a size readily available on the shelf. There is one shoe that has been my savior for the last several years, the New Balance 1123. I'm on my third pair. I've been rocking this pair since 2008. It used to be a pretty white and purple running shoe. Now it's a formless mound, in a desperate shade of, "Throw me away, for the love of God."
Oh yes, I'd LOVE to replace them! I bought them at around $150. Guess what? They're still that expensive. You wouldn't ever pay that much for tennys? Yeah, whatever. I said that too, until my feet had an allergic reaction to being fat and ballooned up 3 sizes too wide. They recently changed the style. The 1123 has been discontinued, and replaced with this awesomeness:
Right now, I buy flats for work in a size 10. YUP, a size 10. When I'm not snow-shoeing around the contact center in dress shoes that are too long, I am trekking in amazingly comfy shoes that are beat up and old. Neither screams professionalism.
What's the point? I started running! Well, more yogging for now. I don't get much for speed. But I've done it for a couple of weeks now at night with Randy. I love it. It's the piece that was missing from my weight loss regimen. I used to run in high school, and I always wore good shoes. I knew what happened if I didn't - shin splints, for example.
So, I'm running with Randy. My NB are too worn, so genius Me decides to get some shoes "just for now" from WALMART. Bwahahaha, yes it's so unfortunate it's worth me laughing. It hasn't even been 2 weeks of running every night and I feel like JD in Scrubs when the "Mistake!" Opera singer shows up to remind him how dumb his choice was:
My legs ache and I'm uncomfortable when I run, or even walk, in the shoes I bought. "Jessica, could your discomfort actually be from jogging at 300 pounds? And couldn't some if this be inevitable?" Well, yes, since you mention it, I am setting realistic expectations for how my body will receive this new exercise. I mentioned it to my husband, who understands what I'm going through with more sincerity than anyone I will ever come across.
Monday is our 7 year wedding anniversary, and we were planning on going out to a lovely, rich, pricey dinner at one of our favorite romantic spots, Durrant's. Tonight after our run, hubby suggested that instead of going out to eat, I should order the NB running shoes instead. Then we can go run somewhere pretty together and I won't hurt as much. I asked if he was serious, and he was.
Love! <3
Be jealous, and goodnight.
 |
| Oh yeah, just like that. |
My wide feet wear a size 7.5 4E. Not a size readily available on the shelf. There is one shoe that has been my savior for the last several years, the New Balance 1123. I'm on my third pair. I've been rocking this pair since 2008. It used to be a pretty white and purple running shoe. Now it's a formless mound, in a desperate shade of, "Throw me away, for the love of God."
Oh yes, I'd LOVE to replace them! I bought them at around $150. Guess what? They're still that expensive. You wouldn't ever pay that much for tennys? Yeah, whatever. I said that too, until my feet had an allergic reaction to being fat and ballooned up 3 sizes too wide. They recently changed the style. The 1123 has been discontinued, and replaced with this awesomeness:
 |
| Whaaaaat!!! A Beauty. |
Right now, I buy flats for work in a size 10. YUP, a size 10. When I'm not snow-shoeing around the contact center in dress shoes that are too long, I am trekking in amazingly comfy shoes that are beat up and old. Neither screams professionalism.
What's the point? I started running! Well, more yogging for now. I don't get much for speed. But I've done it for a couple of weeks now at night with Randy. I love it. It's the piece that was missing from my weight loss regimen. I used to run in high school, and I always wore good shoes. I knew what happened if I didn't - shin splints, for example.
So, I'm running with Randy. My NB are too worn, so genius Me decides to get some shoes "just for now" from WALMART. Bwahahaha, yes it's so unfortunate it's worth me laughing. It hasn't even been 2 weeks of running every night and I feel like JD in Scrubs when the "Mistake!" Opera singer shows up to remind him how dumb his choice was:
 |
| Mistaaaaaaaaaaaake! |
My legs ache and I'm uncomfortable when I run, or even walk, in the shoes I bought. "Jessica, could your discomfort actually be from jogging at 300 pounds? And couldn't some if this be inevitable?" Well, yes, since you mention it, I am setting realistic expectations for how my body will receive this new exercise. I mentioned it to my husband, who understands what I'm going through with more sincerity than anyone I will ever come across.
Monday is our 7 year wedding anniversary, and we were planning on going out to a lovely, rich, pricey dinner at one of our favorite romantic spots, Durrant's. Tonight after our run, hubby suggested that instead of going out to eat, I should order the NB running shoes instead. Then we can go run somewhere pretty together and I won't hurt as much. I asked if he was serious, and he was.
Love! <3
Be jealous, and goodnight.
Monday, April 16, 2012
So Blessed
To have a great doctor
I understand that I am at a time in my life where I have let myself become very overweight. I have had a weight awareness for the better part of the last 10 years. I don't drink, smoke, have shady sex, or take part in anything else harmful. I don't even really overeat. I just eat the wrong things. And over a number of years, have failed to remove much of my weight. Before the loving reassurance of my doctors Pierce and Branaman, I was absolutely convinced this made me a terrible, terrible human being.
I once had a nurse refuse to even let me continue my appointment because of my size. "We won't have this discussion (the absurd thought of getting me pregnant) with you until you lose 30% of your weight."
Concerning my recent journey with fertility treatment, I've learned about the root of most of my stress relating to pregnancy, although it really speaks volumes in more than one context. If I'm not dealt with in a loving, kind, accepting manner, my thoughts toward the entire subject will be the opposite of loving, kind, and accepting. I have been so concerned for the last year that I am defective, and my efforts will always be in vain. Of course I got really anxious with my last two pregnancies.
I guess what I'm trying to explain is how nice my doctors have been with me throughout this process, and how that means the world to me. I saw Dr. B today, and she was so eager to make me understand I am normal. I respond to treatment, I can conceive, and there's no reason I shouldn't expect to again soon. She stressed my bad luck streak was just that, bad luck. She said if I were to lose 10 or 15 more pounds before I get pregnant again it would be icing on the cake - if only to make me more comfortable. Of course, I see my chiropractor on a regular basis, and he is amazing with me. He has really become a cheerleader for me, and I'm glad to know him and call him a friend. It has been so nice to not be treated like a freak show. I don't want to let these two down, but it's a great feeling to know I couldn't if I tried.
New plan:
It will take 4-6 weeks for me to have a period. Dr. B says it is up to me - If I feel ready to try again, I can jump right back on clomid. If I want to wait another couple of months, that's ok too. So I will try to lose a little bit of weight. Let's see how I feel in 4-6 weeks.
In other happenings, my mom is coming over this weekend to help me with my master bedroom project. Pictures to follow. We will tackle the headboard for sure!
Thanks for visiting, talk to you soon.
I understand that I am at a time in my life where I have let myself become very overweight. I have had a weight awareness for the better part of the last 10 years. I don't drink, smoke, have shady sex, or take part in anything else harmful. I don't even really overeat. I just eat the wrong things. And over a number of years, have failed to remove much of my weight. Before the loving reassurance of my doctors Pierce and Branaman, I was absolutely convinced this made me a terrible, terrible human being.
I once had a nurse refuse to even let me continue my appointment because of my size. "We won't have this discussion (the absurd thought of getting me pregnant) with you until you lose 30% of your weight."
Concerning my recent journey with fertility treatment, I've learned about the root of most of my stress relating to pregnancy, although it really speaks volumes in more than one context. If I'm not dealt with in a loving, kind, accepting manner, my thoughts toward the entire subject will be the opposite of loving, kind, and accepting. I have been so concerned for the last year that I am defective, and my efforts will always be in vain. Of course I got really anxious with my last two pregnancies.
I guess what I'm trying to explain is how nice my doctors have been with me throughout this process, and how that means the world to me. I saw Dr. B today, and she was so eager to make me understand I am normal. I respond to treatment, I can conceive, and there's no reason I shouldn't expect to again soon. She stressed my bad luck streak was just that, bad luck. She said if I were to lose 10 or 15 more pounds before I get pregnant again it would be icing on the cake - if only to make me more comfortable. Of course, I see my chiropractor on a regular basis, and he is amazing with me. He has really become a cheerleader for me, and I'm glad to know him and call him a friend. It has been so nice to not be treated like a freak show. I don't want to let these two down, but it's a great feeling to know I couldn't if I tried.
New plan:
It will take 4-6 weeks for me to have a period. Dr. B says it is up to me - If I feel ready to try again, I can jump right back on clomid. If I want to wait another couple of months, that's ok too. So I will try to lose a little bit of weight. Let's see how I feel in 4-6 weeks.
In other happenings, my mom is coming over this weekend to help me with my master bedroom project. Pictures to follow. We will tackle the headboard for sure!
Thanks for visiting, talk to you soon.
Weird Dream Night
Wow, let's get this dream down somewhere before I forget it. I've had pregnancy dreams before. Usually, they are about me snuggling with a happy baby. This one was just creepy.
I'm me, just about 3 different "me"s.
Each me is pregnant and ready to pop.
The first me is past due, and doctors decide to do a C-section. I can hear people start to panic even though my nurse is calmly telling me to relax as I am being put under. I totally feel this process of blacking out.
The second me is past due again, this time somehow I know with a girl baby, and I am in labor but it is slow going. My family is there - this is the only pleasant scene.
The third me is also past due, but instructed to walk around town to help the process along. This me knows I'm having a boy. I get lost, meet new people, end up at a beach party, ride on a double decker tour bus to the mall, have a blast. I dance, jump around, run, and I think I even surf. It's a blast, but all out of frustration that I am not making my labor progress.
I switch randomly between the last two me's. The first one never wakes back up for me to know what happened.
Since I just got up, and am a little creeped out, and my lappy is right here - what an opportunity for the few of you to think I'm even weirder. Strange dreams happen to everyone under stress, right?
I'm me, just about 3 different "me"s.
Each me is pregnant and ready to pop.
The first me is past due, and doctors decide to do a C-section. I can hear people start to panic even though my nurse is calmly telling me to relax as I am being put under. I totally feel this process of blacking out.
The second me is past due again, this time somehow I know with a girl baby, and I am in labor but it is slow going. My family is there - this is the only pleasant scene.
The third me is also past due, but instructed to walk around town to help the process along. This me knows I'm having a boy. I get lost, meet new people, end up at a beach party, ride on a double decker tour bus to the mall, have a blast. I dance, jump around, run, and I think I even surf. It's a blast, but all out of frustration that I am not making my labor progress.
I switch randomly between the last two me's. The first one never wakes back up for me to know what happened.
Since I just got up, and am a little creeped out, and my lappy is right here - what an opportunity for the few of you to think I'm even weirder. Strange dreams happen to everyone under stress, right?
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Round 3
I'm lying on my side in bed typing this on my phone. At 4am, I was jarred from an awkward dream where my husband and one of my exes were at my grandma's house hanging out. I had some cramping and a feeling of gushing. I hadn't spilled onto the bed yet, so I cleaned up as much as possible and put out an old towel on the bed. I woke up about 6:15 to alarm, and this time, I'm glad I thought of the towel.
I don't know why anyone needs to read this, but I try to archive this process as much as possible.
This is my third go. I'm a pro. So I'm going to manage this transition like a boss and try not to faint or anything. Hopefully it is quick.
I don't know why anyone needs to read this, but I try to archive this process as much as possible.
This is my third go. I'm a pro. So I'm going to manage this transition like a boss and try not to faint or anything. Hopefully it is quick.
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