I woke up early and made breakfast, eggs tortillas and OJ. Watched the sun rise, enjoyed my animals in my nice house after Randy left for the day. I want to apologize for what must sound like more drama from yours truly, but I promised to give you all of me, not just the impressive parts.
I read a post from Donielle's blog: http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/the-sting-of-mothers-day/
Reading her words about peace during the Mother's Day holiday for women who believe they should have a child in their arms, but don't - I've once again been reduced to red eyes, puffy face, mocos, and tears. Every time I read another woman's experience, I feel like they share in some kind of secret.
All is well with me, my bad days are fewer and father between. This won't be a bad day for me, just happened to be an emotional morning. Worth documenting? Only if you like to read about me crying. Worth passing on Donielle's blog info? Definitely.
Thanks for visiting :) Have a good weekend.
Juice
Friday, May 11, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Finding a reason why
I did something different tonight. I went to a yoga class at the gym. I went because I know you have to be amazingly strong to hang in yoga, which I am not. I wanted to test my limit, which I found in the first 5 minutes. Instead of quickly pulling my *new* shoes back on and disappearing, I stayed and sat quietly and watched. I don't know what the protocol is on that sort of thing, but nobody seemed to mind. I wanted to observe everyone's different levels of ability and found that not all the skinny girls were good at it, and not all the fat girls were bad at it. The instructor was a gorgeously toned girl that wasn't skinny at all. But OMG was she strong! I eventually ended up leaving because I felt so in awe I was afraid I was giving off a creeper vibe.
OK, one more thing about the instructor - she had loooong hair that was pulled into one of those waterfall braids I keep seeing on Pinterest - I want that! Someone teach me?
At the beginning, our eyes were closed and I was instructed to listen and concentrate on my breathing. What impressed me was the instruction to identify our purpose for standing on the mat. How many times have I been asked to come up with a reason why I should change my life? How many answers have I given, for lack of time and consideration, pressured by a judgmental inquisitor, and never really been sure?
Maybe it was just the right time and place, and maybe my ramped up devotionals have taken over my thinking. Without a moment of hesitation, my mind answered, "To overcome my flesh."
My body, which I have fought against for years. What should be His instrument, but has become the chains around my ankles. What should be His temple, but is in the most real way working against His will. What the enemy has been using to remind me to feel inferior and remind me I am weak. My flesh, all 300 lbs of my physical self that I have let turn me into a monster. The struggle in which the fruits have been infertility, insecurity, anger, jealousy, laziness, and many other things the enemy of my soul has indulged himself to watch me go through.
I felt such an awakening after I finally answered the question to, "why do any of this?"
I went home and went for a run. I still struggle in this, but I kept claiming victory after every step. The weather was lovely. Through my heavy breath, I felt like I was running for my life. I thanked Him for the next breath, and the remembrance that He is the one who sustains me gave me so much hope! I can't fail because He is my breath and my steps. He is right there in my fight to overcome my flesh.
I keep typing and deleting all my next thoughts, probably because they're still cooking and not properly formed yet. Maybe I'll continue in another post.
OK, one more thing about the instructor - she had loooong hair that was pulled into one of those waterfall braids I keep seeing on Pinterest - I want that! Someone teach me?
At the beginning, our eyes were closed and I was instructed to listen and concentrate on my breathing. What impressed me was the instruction to identify our purpose for standing on the mat. How many times have I been asked to come up with a reason why I should change my life? How many answers have I given, for lack of time and consideration, pressured by a judgmental inquisitor, and never really been sure?
Maybe it was just the right time and place, and maybe my ramped up devotionals have taken over my thinking. Without a moment of hesitation, my mind answered, "To overcome my flesh."
My body, which I have fought against for years. What should be His instrument, but has become the chains around my ankles. What should be His temple, but is in the most real way working against His will. What the enemy has been using to remind me to feel inferior and remind me I am weak. My flesh, all 300 lbs of my physical self that I have let turn me into a monster. The struggle in which the fruits have been infertility, insecurity, anger, jealousy, laziness, and many other things the enemy of my soul has indulged himself to watch me go through.
I felt such an awakening after I finally answered the question to, "why do any of this?"
I went home and went for a run. I still struggle in this, but I kept claiming victory after every step. The weather was lovely. Through my heavy breath, I felt like I was running for my life. I thanked Him for the next breath, and the remembrance that He is the one who sustains me gave me so much hope! I can't fail because He is my breath and my steps. He is right there in my fight to overcome my flesh.
I keep typing and deleting all my next thoughts, probably because they're still cooking and not properly formed yet. Maybe I'll continue in another post.
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