I did something different tonight. I went to a yoga class at the gym. I went because I know you have to be amazingly strong to hang in yoga, which I am not. I wanted to test my limit, which I found in the first 5 minutes. Instead of quickly pulling my *new* shoes back on and disappearing, I stayed and sat quietly and watched. I don't know what the protocol is on that sort of thing, but nobody seemed to mind. I wanted to observe everyone's different levels of ability and found that not all the skinny girls were good at it, and not all the fat girls were bad at it. The instructor was a gorgeously toned girl that wasn't skinny at all. But OMG was she strong! I eventually ended up leaving because I felt so in awe I was afraid I was giving off a creeper vibe.
OK, one more thing about the instructor - she had loooong hair that was pulled into one of those waterfall braids I keep seeing on Pinterest - I want that! Someone teach me?
At the beginning, our eyes were closed and I was instructed to listen and concentrate on my breathing. What impressed me was the instruction to identify our purpose for standing on the mat. How many times have I been asked to come up with a reason why I should change my life? How many answers have I given, for lack of time and consideration, pressured by a judgmental inquisitor, and never really been sure?
Maybe it was just the right time and place, and maybe my ramped up devotionals have taken over my thinking. Without a moment of hesitation, my mind answered, "To overcome my flesh."
My body, which I have fought against for years. What should be His instrument, but has become the chains around my ankles. What should be His temple, but is in the most real way working against His will. What the enemy has been using to remind me to feel inferior and remind me I am weak. My flesh, all 300 lbs of my physical self that I have let turn me into a monster. The struggle in which the fruits have been infertility, insecurity, anger, jealousy, laziness, and many other things the enemy of my soul has indulged himself to watch me go through.
I felt such an awakening after I finally answered the question to, "why do any of this?"
I went home and went for a run. I still struggle in this, but I kept claiming victory after every step. The weather was lovely. Through my heavy breath, I felt like I was running for my life. I thanked Him for the next breath, and the remembrance that He is the one who sustains me gave me so much hope! I can't fail because He is my breath and my steps. He is right there in my fight to overcome my flesh.
I keep typing and deleting all my next thoughts, probably because they're still cooking and not properly formed yet. Maybe I'll continue in another post.
yoga! i haven't done yoga in like a year. we (damian and i) *attempted* p90x for like 3 weeks and one of the videos was yoga..but like yoga for mr. & mrs. universe. i <3 yoga, i love it a lot. we did it once a week in dance when i was in high school and every time i felt so rejuvenated and awesome. p90x yoga was so hard lol.
ReplyDeletein re: to waterfall braids...i've been wanting to practice hair more and braiding is big one on my list. it's super trendy right now and they are easily versatile for simple to crazy fanceh events. if you're willing, i'd love to come over and play with your hair (did that sound weird?)! :D
i haven't ran in a week :( ...i think i needed a break or something. i'm going tonight though. i've had a lot of moments in the past ...what 6 years?...where i'm like "i'm okay being a fatty" to "omg i hate myself" and every time i get on a kick of "i'm going to lose this weight!!" i've always ended up failing (obviously seeing as how i'm still a fatty lol). i think though, this time feels different. i don't think i can articulate exactly why, but i feel it smoldering deep inside me and this time i won't ignore it. still i get low though, and i've had several moments in the past 6-8 weeks where i question myself, my progress, my audacity to try this huge task. aside from reminding myself of what i want out of all of this i think one of the biggest reason i push myself out of the funk is reading this woman's, Brandi, blog (mamalaughlin.com). she writes and i feel like she's talking directly to me and it's really helpful in getting me to stick with it all. i found her randomly through pinterest (by randomly i mean God lead me--that's the only way it makes perfect sense to me considering the level of uplift and motivation i get when i read her blog) and seriously Jess she's awesome. There is one posting she had that made me cry (believe it was called "this i know"). best. post. ever. for motivation.
anyway, sorry i know this is a lot of text, mainly i just want to say i support you 6 million percent and i love you. i'm here in whatever way you need me to be okay?
xo