Bleeding was not uncommon during this whole pregnancy. I was tipped off to test in the first place because I was spotting brown on cycle day 23. Implantation spotting that lasted 10 days. To see spotting here and there for the next week wasn't too alarming. Trust me, I was scared every time, but I would call my doctor and they would assure me it was normal. Just look out for clots and pain. Noted.
Thursday evening I started spotting red. I had some bad cramping. I was desperately trying to convince myself it was round ligament pain, and it was normal for some women to bleed during pregnancy. Happens all the time.
I had a dream that night. I had the most precious baby boy. He looked a lot like Randy, but with darker features like mine. This dream seemed to last all night, with me trying so hard to make this baby happy. He was moody and cranky, crying and refusing to eat. he was so uncomfortable and didn't seem to like anything I did for him. I woke up with some pain and went to the bathroom to see what I had been hoping I'd never find. A clot about the size of a dime with mucous-y red blood.
The doctor at the hospital said my cervix was still closed. "Threatened Miscarriage," was the term used to classify me. This became clearer after the douchelord nurse tech came in and said my HCG was only 761. On 8/11 my beta was 547, on 8/15 it had only risen to 727. When I heard the level was only 761, my heart sank and I knew how the rest of the day was going to go.
The ultrasound bitch was no better. I swear, more lesbos need to become ultrasound techs. This lady could not properly insert her wand to scope my vag. I had to do the honors myself, and it was really awkward. A girl my size has to get into jacked up positioning to shove stuff in there. I hope in the future, I get a tech who knows their way around down there. Just sayin'.
Anyway, the doctor could not find my baby in utero. No sac, nothing. In fact, on the report that they would send me home with 2 copies of (Thanks, now I can read this twice, assholes. Thanks for wasting paper on that.), they would describe my uterus as having a nongravid appearance. Nongravid means not pregnant. My measurements were the average size of a non pregnant uterus. At this point, there was a concern that I might have an ectopic pregnancy.
I was sent home and told to follow up with my OB. I will do that tomorrow. In the meantime, I have bled pretty good. I am pretty sure I did not have an ectopic pregnancy due to having no localized pain on either side, and that I passed a lot of tissue. I was pretty calm and doing well until I passed something familiar. Tissue that wasn't liquid-y, and was dark purple with a white-gray membrane. When I saw what I recognized from my first miscarriage, I had my breakdown.
I am ok, Randy is ok now too. I always knew the risk of miscarriage in my case in particular. Let me explain. I have PCOS, which for me means my ovaries are retards. I don't produce good quality eggs. When I do release an egg, it's only once or twice a year. This also means I have a problem producing progesterone, which is apparently very important in early pregnancy to support the embryo until the placenta is intact.
After losing two pregnancies, one where I didn't know I was pregnant, and one where we told everyone immediately, I have come to the conclusion that it is much, much more heartbreaking to lose the baby nobody ever cared was there in the first place. So, I don't regret telling everyone up front. I got to be a mom for 18 days. When the Lord comes again, I will have 2 children waiting for me. Until then, they are in the care of my wonderfully capable Nana Vera.
Yes, I'll keep trying. After I my periods are back to normal and I get the ok to start banging again. Before we found out we were pregnant this time, we had been preparing to go through the process of becoming foster parents and possibly adopting. I think we'll start that process up again. In the end, all is well, as my babies are in heaven where they were destined to be. I'll just have to wait a little longer to meet them. But if I'm a pro at anything here on earth, it's waiting...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Fertility Appointment
Earlier this summer, I felt a calling that my childless suffering should end. Time to take action! I may have even blogged about it. My action was to google "best fertility doctor in AZ" and see what happened. I ended up on the website for AZ ARMS, a fertility practice here in Phoenix. I called. I made an appointment. That appointment was for TODAY!
Yeah I had to call and cancel.
God is amazing in His timing. I believe He packages His blessings in the way the recipient can best recognize them. I tie pink bows on things. I deliver everyday items in tissue paper and coordinating ribbon. I'm so glad I serve a God who does the same for me!
My next appointment will be for an ultrasound to see my precious baby's heartbeat. September 13, 2011.
Yeah I had to call and cancel.
God is amazing in His timing. I believe He packages His blessings in the way the recipient can best recognize them. I tie pink bows on things. I deliver everyday items in tissue paper and coordinating ribbon. I'm so glad I serve a God who does the same for me!
My next appointment will be for an ultrasound to see my precious baby's heartbeat. September 13, 2011.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Time of my Life
I have called myself MOM now for 10 days. I have more than once tried to thank Him. I have attempted to praise Him with the most heartfelt prayer. But I'm just at a loss for words. I can't form the appropriate thought and speech to ever begin to thank Him enough. I have cried a lot. There's a part of me that cautiously still doesn't believe it.
I am going to have a child next spring :)
I am going to have a child next spring :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Attempt at Grace
I married my cousin and his bride on July 23 of 2011. It was hot, and muggy, and there was a haboob looming on the horizon. A beautiful backdrop for a backyard wedding with 200 people invited. Potluck slash BBQ style with plenty of ice chests. The cake was traditional, only because someone else in the family was a caker. Bouquet was traditional, because someone else in the family (me) is a floral designer. Lots of family, casual attire, pool ready get together. The bride's friends chipped in and had a hula dancer perform during the dinner portion of the evening. If one was going to remember something from that evening, I'd pick that. If only to forget how effing HOT it was outside.
I was pretty psyched to perform my first marriage ceremony. After we made it official and signed all necessary spaces on the license, I very carefully stored the stub until I could hand mail it Monday morning. After mailing the stub, I wrote the newly married couple a nice letter:
Imagine my horror to find out no later than Wednesday the next week that my cousin David had not only been cheating on his bride, he had contact with the other woman on his wedding day! He never wanted marriage and decided to end things with his new bride.
I think the world of my cousin as a person, so realizing what an awful thing he has done is extremely disappointing. No matter how unhappy you are, why go through with the wedding at all? At the very least, pull your cousin Jessica aside, who is conveniently acting as your minister, and ask her to hold off on mailing the document you signed making your union legal. Right?
Needless to say, the bride is destroyed. She had no clue there was a problem and thought this was her happily ever after. I had nothing to offer her in the way of gossip, David-bashing, or anything else an extremely pissed off woman craves after being abandoned. All I could give her was a simple blessing. I told her that I recognized her strength, and her independence. That she was a highly capable woman, and that her children would draw from her all of those wonderful qualities. That she would be better in the end, and that she had my best wishes. What else do you tell someone in that position?
Jessica's ministry stats show that 1/1 couples that get married in their bathing suits don't work out. Good to know...
I was pretty psyched to perform my first marriage ceremony. After we made it official and signed all necessary spaces on the license, I very carefully stored the stub until I could hand mail it Monday morning. After mailing the stub, I wrote the newly married couple a nice letter:
Dear Christy and David Muniz,
Congratulations on your marriage! I was pleased to work so closely with you both. I enjoyed writing your ceremony and creating a tropical bouquet for your wedding day.
Marriage is such a sacred covenant! In awe and respect of the brevity of this commitment between two loving souls, I always highly recommend that couples invest time and resources toward the continued growth of their relationship. This may mean reading a book on marriage, or seeing a relationship counselor or attending church services together. Many can attest these small commitments make a world of difference in bonding two happily married people closer together. If the wedding was the hardest part of a marriage, what a different world this would be! I wish you happiness all the days you share together.
I have mailed your marriage certificate to be filed by the clerk of the Superior Court of Arizona on July 25, 2011. I would like to be able to use your names as a reference to other potential engaged couples seeking ministry services. If you have any question about this, please contact me.
Thank you both once more for inviting me to share a part in your wedding day. May God bless you and your family with favor, hope, and unconditional love. Amen.
Sincerely,
Jessica Burgess, BA Psychology, Minister, American Marriage Ministries
Imagine my horror to find out no later than Wednesday the next week that my cousin David had not only been cheating on his bride, he had contact with the other woman on his wedding day! He never wanted marriage and decided to end things with his new bride.
I think the world of my cousin as a person, so realizing what an awful thing he has done is extremely disappointing. No matter how unhappy you are, why go through with the wedding at all? At the very least, pull your cousin Jessica aside, who is conveniently acting as your minister, and ask her to hold off on mailing the document you signed making your union legal. Right?
Needless to say, the bride is destroyed. She had no clue there was a problem and thought this was her happily ever after. I had nothing to offer her in the way of gossip, David-bashing, or anything else an extremely pissed off woman craves after being abandoned. All I could give her was a simple blessing. I told her that I recognized her strength, and her independence. That she was a highly capable woman, and that her children would draw from her all of those wonderful qualities. That she would be better in the end, and that she had my best wishes. What else do you tell someone in that position?
Jessica's ministry stats show that 1/1 couples that get married in their bathing suits don't work out. Good to know...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Close Encounters
New ways to be in worship. I was shown a few this weekend.
Mary Anne, my trainer, was at a women's conference this weekend, so I didn't get my weekly ass kicking. I missed it, but I'll get to gym a few times this week to make up for it. Instead, we got ourselves up early and did chores. Usually this is Sunday afternoon work, but we knew free time was not a guarantee this weekend.
Randy had to get his car looked at, as his check engine light came on. Meanwhile, I took off to Costco, Sam's Club, Party City, and Fry's to accumulate all the necessities for the evening's reception. It turned out wonderfully! I even picked up a 3 tier glass server for treats. On my last stop, I picked up a bag of ice and a couple packs of frozen strawberries. Got into the Time Machine and turned the key in the ignition. Nothing.
The car wasn't completely dead, the battery seemed to be working fine, you could tell it was getting power. It just wouldn't kick over. Soooooooo I was late to mic check on a hot AZ afternoon in a grocery store parking lot with frozen goods in tow.
Luckily, I have favor. The driver of the vehicle in front of me offered to help jump me. Even though it didn't work, I was so happy I wasn't alone. I thanked him over and over, and invited him to our service at Grace Walk. I called Randy to come get me, so we could get the supplies to the church. We could worry about my car later, which we ended up doing.
The service was awesome. It was billed as, "Close Encounters," and it was every bit that. Randy would tell me the next day, after the Sunday concert that it was the first time he's felt the Holy Spirit come down upon him in such a powerful way. He was almost afraid of it because it was such an intense feeling. I am sorry I didn't have the opportunity to receive the same experience. This is where I was shown how to worship in a new way.
I worked behind the scenes the whole time. I spent all of the 3 services either setting up, cleaning from the night before, or setting up again. On Saturday night, Daniel, one of the church staff members, came in with a video camera and asked for a minute of my time. He asked me to describe what worship meant to me. I can't remember exactly what I said, except that worship itself wasn't an activity to do, but a state of mind to be in. If I'm in that state of mind, anything I do becomes worship, because it's devoted to Jesus in adoration. So in my work, even though I was not out enjoying the worship music, I was participating in worship. I offered my labor, my excellence in detail, my care in presentation, everything to the cause of Christ this weekend. I had Holy Spirit power.
While waiting for the AAA tow truck late Saturday night in a grocery store parking lot, Randy and I laughed and joked. We listened to Blood, Sweat, and Tears for no reason and decided it's pretty awesome. We were almost interrupted when the tow arrived and we had to switch back to productivity. I love my husband. We didn't let the situation with the time machine stress us out. We spent the day in the will of God, and returned after our congregation had been served to take care of the obstacle the enemy placed before us to trip us up. And even in the parking lot, we didn't argue or fret. We knew we were loved and taken care of by a Father who never leaves us without.
Sunday was all of this, amplified. So many lives touched by the Holy Spirit! It isn't the worship team that brings the power. The worship team offers their talents to create a mood where individuals feel open and safe to cry to the Father. The Spirit ministers and opens hearts. Close encounters happen all over the sanctuary. I'm called to lead others in worship. Now I know that doesn't mean learning a piece of music. It means living my life in a state of constant worship, and inviting others to do the same.
Thank You Father. I adore you for what you have done in the lives of people around me. For the lives that were touched or changed this weekend. For the food I chose that I brought into the church, that it nourished and satisfied people's appetites. For each of the workers in the Body that you have called to worship. For our pastors. If you never did a thing more for me, I'd still adore you all the days of my life. For wanting to favor me, for wanting to bless my family. For my health, for the health of my teammates. For my children waiting to be born, they might see the wonders of creation. For all that I couldn't possibly express. Thank You God. Amen.
Mary Anne, my trainer, was at a women's conference this weekend, so I didn't get my weekly ass kicking. I missed it, but I'll get to gym a few times this week to make up for it. Instead, we got ourselves up early and did chores. Usually this is Sunday afternoon work, but we knew free time was not a guarantee this weekend.
Randy had to get his car looked at, as his check engine light came on. Meanwhile, I took off to Costco, Sam's Club, Party City, and Fry's to accumulate all the necessities for the evening's reception. It turned out wonderfully! I even picked up a 3 tier glass server for treats. On my last stop, I picked up a bag of ice and a couple packs of frozen strawberries. Got into the Time Machine and turned the key in the ignition. Nothing.
The car wasn't completely dead, the battery seemed to be working fine, you could tell it was getting power. It just wouldn't kick over. Soooooooo I was late to mic check on a hot AZ afternoon in a grocery store parking lot with frozen goods in tow.
Luckily, I have favor. The driver of the vehicle in front of me offered to help jump me. Even though it didn't work, I was so happy I wasn't alone. I thanked him over and over, and invited him to our service at Grace Walk. I called Randy to come get me, so we could get the supplies to the church. We could worry about my car later, which we ended up doing.
The service was awesome. It was billed as, "Close Encounters," and it was every bit that. Randy would tell me the next day, after the Sunday concert that it was the first time he's felt the Holy Spirit come down upon him in such a powerful way. He was almost afraid of it because it was such an intense feeling. I am sorry I didn't have the opportunity to receive the same experience. This is where I was shown how to worship in a new way.
I worked behind the scenes the whole time. I spent all of the 3 services either setting up, cleaning from the night before, or setting up again. On Saturday night, Daniel, one of the church staff members, came in with a video camera and asked for a minute of my time. He asked me to describe what worship meant to me. I can't remember exactly what I said, except that worship itself wasn't an activity to do, but a state of mind to be in. If I'm in that state of mind, anything I do becomes worship, because it's devoted to Jesus in adoration. So in my work, even though I was not out enjoying the worship music, I was participating in worship. I offered my labor, my excellence in detail, my care in presentation, everything to the cause of Christ this weekend. I had Holy Spirit power.
While waiting for the AAA tow truck late Saturday night in a grocery store parking lot, Randy and I laughed and joked. We listened to Blood, Sweat, and Tears for no reason and decided it's pretty awesome. We were almost interrupted when the tow arrived and we had to switch back to productivity. I love my husband. We didn't let the situation with the time machine stress us out. We spent the day in the will of God, and returned after our congregation had been served to take care of the obstacle the enemy placed before us to trip us up. And even in the parking lot, we didn't argue or fret. We knew we were loved and taken care of by a Father who never leaves us without.
Sunday was all of this, amplified. So many lives touched by the Holy Spirit! It isn't the worship team that brings the power. The worship team offers their talents to create a mood where individuals feel open and safe to cry to the Father. The Spirit ministers and opens hearts. Close encounters happen all over the sanctuary. I'm called to lead others in worship. Now I know that doesn't mean learning a piece of music. It means living my life in a state of constant worship, and inviting others to do the same.
Thank You Father. I adore you for what you have done in the lives of people around me. For the lives that were touched or changed this weekend. For the food I chose that I brought into the church, that it nourished and satisfied people's appetites. For each of the workers in the Body that you have called to worship. For our pastors. If you never did a thing more for me, I'd still adore you all the days of my life. For wanting to favor me, for wanting to bless my family. For my health, for the health of my teammates. For my children waiting to be born, they might see the wonders of creation. For all that I couldn't possibly express. Thank You God. Amen.
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