It's been awhile

Since I was on here. I've been here and there, making the most of everything life is bringing lately. I've accomplished a lot. Ok, maybe not that much. I learned to make jelly, jam, apple sauce, pecan pie, biscuits... Pretty much all things I shouldn't eat. Whatever, it's homemade.

I never realized how a 3 week experience could shake my confidence to its core. Yeah, it's been a few months, but it's what I keep coming back to.  In my thoughts, in my spare time. All I can do is say I miss MBA - I miss coming home, eating a cookie and drinking some milk, lay down and talk and pray with MBA, then take a short nap. It was a quickly established ritual that gave me quality time to sit and reflect on how i wanted to live my motherhood. I was a freakin rock star - I quit caffeine cold turkey, religiously ate my pre natals, and praised my body - like I was cheering it on to do something I knew it wasn't up for. Just like when you start sweet talking your car when you know you've waited too long to get gas, and you're hoping to make it to the gas station without breaking down.

Yes, my good days are now more than my bad. Let me update:

My wonderful Dr. agreed I should take clomid after my first whole cycle. That took 6 weeks for my period to start. Then, at day 26, I got my clomid rx. Ready to go at days 5-9 of the next cycle. All I had to do, seemingly, was wait about a week, and I was taking the next step. More than 2 months later, still no period. I have had a bottle of my much awaited, long coveted, first dose of clomid sitting on my counter top, almost mocking me.

A letdown. A letdown strong enough to make me think I have nothing worth posting about my day to day. My awesome1127 projects, not interesting enough.  My crochet and cooking accomplishments, only chipping away at the negative balance that is my confidence.

I went in today to have a blood draw, and possible get provera to jump start my period.  She'll call it in, and we will start again.

I'm a pretty strong lady.  I have God, but I am subject to the world, and heartbreak, and disappointment.  I just can't wait to start having my cookie and milk naptime again.

Really?!

Boy, I seem to be having a bad day. Well, no, actually. The beginning of the day was awesome. My team set up to serve catering for the final day of employee appreciation.  Valley Spinal Care came in, and I got to hang out with my chiropractor Dr. Justin. I got to bask in the week's success and read all of the email kudos from the people who enjoyed the activities, etc.

Everything was awesome until about 3:30. My co-worker stopped us all and had an announcement. She is pregnant.  No, wait:  She is 37 and pregnant.  37, and had her tubes tied 8 years ago and pregnant.  37, tubes tied, and not trying, but got pregnant.  37, fixed, oops, and is 12 weeks pregnant.  37 , FIXED, ACCIDENTALLY GOT PREGNANT AND IS DUE WITHIN A WEEK of when I was due.

I feel like a shit. Bad.

My brand is known for rationality and tact and strength in faith.  Let's forget about that right now. I'm sure I'll touch on all of that soon enough...

What the Fuck?!Seriously! We were pregnant at the same time. Talk about not fair.  I am such a loser right now. 

Home Projects Introduction

In the beginning, this blog was designed, primarily, to chronicle my home improvement projects.  I will be starting a series on designing the interior of my new home, and I'll be posting before and afters on all of the bedrooms, kitchen, living room, yards, and the Spiderman Room. I"ll throw in fun DIY projects along the way.

My first project will be my laundry room, which also doubles as pet central. I will post a "before" photo soon!

Have a great week!

The New Wait

Seeing two lines pop up so quickly in my recent pregnancy sure spoiled me.

After a couple years of random scant ovulation, I was so used to seeing a BFN - The stark white, barren 2/3 of a test window left beside the lonely hot pink control line. I lost many a staring contest with this shiny abyss, hoping that if I stared for the entire 3 minutes, a line would appear to reward my efforts. When, this August, I got my surprise, again I was in shock. A results line populated, aggressively, before the moisture even reached the control line on the window. Never had parallel lines been so breathtaking.  It was so easy. All I had to do was pee.

Since MBA left us, I have been so spoiled on pregnancy tests.  It's been 5 weeks, and no period.  We haven't missed a beat, let me assure you. As the HCG slowly dwindled from my system, I banged like a newlywed.  We decided that has been pretty fun, and have made a hobby out of it. I purchased a couple of tests Friday and took one.  I thought I was crazy! I saw what looked like an extremely faint positive line. Even Randy saw it, and confirmed I wasn't making it up. The next morning, nothing. Ah, we meet again old friend... I went ahead and tested again this evening. Another No.  I feel  like a child who all of a sudden can't get away with something anymore - pouting in the corner, muttering, "it's not FAIR!"  So spoiled that the last serious test I took was positive so quickly, and thinking since I was successful once, it shouldn't be hard to simply replicate that result. I really believe you can make something real with your mind. See what you want to see.  I saw a line, and so did Randy, but it wasn't really there. 

Tomorrow is another day in what I am referring to as the new wait. In sales you are taught that every no is closer to a yes.  I was always terrible at sales, though.  I couldn't see convincing someone that something was there that really wasn't (value in a product they didn't need, etc.).  However, I seem to be pretty good at convincing myself... Need to take my own advice I guess.

I made it through Carolyn's baby shower today.  There wasn't any worry that I wouldn't, but I want to acknowledge that I did fine.  I am so stoked for her, as she's also tried to have this baby for so many years and been told NO so many times. She also has an angel baby from the process.  I wanted her success, her hope to rub off on me. 

I can only be strong most of the time.  If you haven't realized it yet, I'm having a hard time today. I miss my baby.

I can see the gym from my desk

I work right across the street from LA Fitness on 55th Ave. & Bell. I sit in a lovely office facing a large window with a Bell Rd. vista.  I have been going to the gym for a couple of months, but only within the last couple weeks have been really getting into it.  I'm losing inches, gaining muscle, yeah yeah yeah... I have stopped concentrating on that.  I had a moment on an excersize bike that changed it all.  I have heard of people being addicted to spin classes before and thought they were just assholes, but now I think I see the appeal.

I wasn't in a class, mind you, but I was on a bike, watching television on mute because I forgot my headphones.  At about 7 minutes in, I got this rush of euphoria and motivation to push it a little and peddle faster. Increase the resistance, increase my heart rate. I've been excited for cardio ever since then, and my energy level has risen. I feel so much in control, and I love that.

I used to have a friend growing up named Jenny.  I used to tease her because she was my size, but dressed too old. Her pants could've been from the jr. section, but they were from misses. She could've straightened her hair, and put makeup on (she had a very pretty face), but she didn't.  Her ideas were never fun, and her life was too practical.  She was a good confidante and friend while it lasted, but I always remember wishing she would just get with the program.  I have seen my own reflection lately and don't recognize myself from Jenny.  Goodness, my hair is even identical to hers - a natural wavy, wash and wear, bob.  Just presentable enough to get by.  I am letting it grow, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I let myself go a LONG time ago.  This is so much more than a physical thing. I've bought clothes, styled my hair, and worked out plenty in the past few years. This is so much more than a makeover issue.  I stopped caring a long time ago whether I was pretty for myself, whether I was expressing myself through my appearance, and what that even means.  I am the pearl of great price, and I know my Lord created something that is dear to him. So I know my beauty comes from within, I've got that part down pat. I forgot how to have fun with being a beautiful woman. 

I lost control of myself in more than one way.  I felt like I got some of that back with pushing my body to do what it hates, cardio.  We are all in a constant struggle against our body, which is subject to worldly principles. When we reference creation, we assume that our present state (illness, obesity, etc.) is rolled into the intended product. Our souls are subject to the kingdom, and being fearfully and wonderfully made, we have the ability to make our bodies reflect all of our God given radiance.

I do desire to see change on the outside.  But I won't focus on that. Instead, I'll concentrate on getting back what I've lost from within. My desires and dreams for confidence, artistic expression, and satisfaction in the small efforts to fix up more often. Beauty will follow. Besides, I can see the gym from my desk.

Can't Sleep Tonight

It's 10:40pm.

It's not terribly late, but Randy's already peacefully asleep, and I'm online having already checked my facebook, bank account, email, and news. Nothing noteworthy on either account.

I had a great weekend.  I went shopping, started the baby blanket for Kenner's baby Lillian, ate Chinese food, and didn't do shit around the house. By all definitions of the term, I am super HAPPY.

So, why is it that I let the one shitty thing that happened this weekend weigh on me?  I'm furious at my cousin Shanna (again), but I am also so sad for her.  This story isn't new to anyone keeping up.  I show up at family gathering,  Shanna gets trashed, Shanna spouts something out of line. I've heard that Psych majors are really just crazy losers, married people are just crazy losers (with no goals), people who went to ASU are just crazy losers.... See a theme?  Anything I associate and/or identify with makes me suck by virtue of the fact that Shanna has nothing to do with it.  I don't mean to gloss over the hatred she emits, but I need to make clear that she's really mean without sounding whiny. I hope you understand.

I was having a chat with my cousin Jackie, a nice lady who had real, actual concern for my recent miscarriage, who had a couple of questions which I was well enough to answer candidly.  Questions having to do with the specifics of my pregnancy and the timeline, symptoms, etc. of said miscarriage.  Shanna teetered over, as we were standing near the restroom, Shanna's ultimate destination.  Obviously knowing the situation, and overhearing the conversation, she came up to me and gave me a hug. I'll paraphrase: 

I'm so sorry Jess.  I don't know anything about what you are going through, because I have never had any problems getting pregnant.  I mean, I can get pregnant like *this (finger snap).  I mean, I get pregnant so easily that it's ridiculous.  I do wish I had your boobs though.  (pushing her boobs against mine, classy) We could switch so you could get pregnant and I could have your boobs. (Shanna, you can buy boobs easier than I can buy a baby) Well, I'll just make a baby and sell it to you then... blah blah blah I'm a drunk whore...

Jackie got in her face and let her know it was inappropriate to rub my face in it, and Shanna scurried off decided it was time to leave.

For one, Shanna has just one kid.  So where are all these easy pregnancies she's bragging about? Probably equally easy abortions if I had to guess.  I really wonder if she remembers the things she says the next day.  When she wakes up alone, does she remember talking down to people?  When she is bored because she has no real friends, does she sit and think up reasons why she's better than me?

 I can't say I'm all that attractive or fashionable.  I haven't fit into a size 2 since before puberty. I have acne and am bat shit blind.  I can't hear out of one ear and I have circus freak show 46DDD boobs. I have fat feet that don't fit into cute shoes, and an unruly head of hair. There are so many things about me that are undesirable and awkward.

Beyond all that, I'm loved by an amazing man, I have more real friends than pairs of shoes, I live a life with a kingdom purpose, and I am one of the nicest people anyone will ever meet.  Why am I sad tonight?  Shanna can't say anything I just did.  She's stuck on a loop, thinking she should be happy by now with the VIP designer life that's been handed to her on a silver platter. I'm glad at least she knows Jesus.  I hope she realizes one day He's the only one that can give her life meaning.  When she is ready, I will be there as a friend.

Until then, I avoid that bitch when all possible.

Good night!

After 18 days, heaven got a little more Awesome

Bleeding was not uncommon during this whole pregnancy. I was tipped off to test in the first place because I was spotting brown on cycle day 23. Implantation spotting that lasted 10 days.  To see spotting here and there for the next week wasn't too alarming.  Trust me, I was scared every time, but I would call my doctor and they would assure me it was normal.  Just look out for clots and pain. Noted.

Thursday evening I started spotting red. I had some bad cramping.  I was desperately trying to convince myself it was round ligament pain, and it was normal for some women to bleed during pregnancy. Happens all the time.


I had a dream that night.  I had the most precious baby boy. He looked a lot like Randy, but with darker features like mine. This dream seemed to last all night, with me trying so hard to make this baby happy.  He was moody and cranky, crying and refusing to eat.  he was so uncomfortable and didn't seem to like anything I did for him.  I woke up with some pain and went to the bathroom to see what I had been hoping I'd never find. A clot about the size of a dime with mucous-y red blood.

The doctor at the hospital said my cervix was still closed. "Threatened Miscarriage," was the term used to classify me.  This became clearer after the douchelord nurse tech came in and said my HCG was only 761.  On 8/11 my beta was 547, on 8/15 it had only risen to 727.  When I heard the level was only 761, my heart sank and I knew how the rest of the day was going to go.

The ultrasound bitch was no better. I swear, more lesbos need to become ultrasound techs.  This lady could not properly insert her wand to scope my vag.  I had to do the honors myself, and it was really awkward.  A girl my size has to get into jacked up positioning to shove stuff in there. I hope in the future, I get a tech who knows their way around down there. Just sayin'.

Anyway, the doctor could not find my baby in utero.  No sac, nothing. In fact, on the report that they would send me home with 2 copies of (Thanks, now I can read this twice, assholes. Thanks for wasting paper on that.), they would describe my uterus as having a nongravid appearance. Nongravid means not pregnant.  My measurements were the average size of a non pregnant uterus. At this point, there was a concern that I might  have an ectopic pregnancy.

I was sent home and told to follow up with my OB. I will do that tomorrow.  In the meantime, I have bled pretty good.  I am pretty sure I did not have an ectopic pregnancy due to having no localized pain on either side, and that I passed a lot of tissue. I was pretty calm and doing well until I passed something familiar.  Tissue that wasn't liquid-y, and was dark purple with a white-gray membrane.  When I saw what I recognized from my first miscarriage, I had my breakdown.

I am ok, Randy is ok now too.  I always knew the risk of miscarriage in my case in particular.  Let me explain. I have PCOS, which for me means my ovaries are retards.  I don't produce good quality eggs.  When I do release an egg, it's only once or twice a year.  This also means I have a problem producing progesterone, which is apparently very important in early pregnancy to support the embryo until the placenta is intact.

After losing two pregnancies, one where I didn't know I was pregnant, and one where we told everyone immediately,  I have come to the conclusion that it is much, much more heartbreaking to lose the baby nobody ever cared was there in the first place. So, I don't regret telling everyone up front. I got to be a mom for 18 days.  When the Lord comes again, I will have 2 children waiting for me.  Until then, they are in the care of my wonderfully capable Nana Vera.

Yes, I'll keep trying.  After I my periods are back to normal and I get the ok to start banging again.  Before we found out we were pregnant this time, we had been preparing to go through the process of becoming foster parents and possibly adopting.  I think we'll start that process up again.  In the end, all is well, as my babies are in heaven where they were destined to be. I'll just have to wait a little longer to meet them. But if I'm a pro at anything here on earth, it's waiting...

Fertility Appointment

Earlier this summer, I felt a calling that my childless suffering should end. Time to take action! I may have even blogged about it. My action was to google "best fertility doctor in AZ" and see what happened.  I ended up on the website for AZ ARMS, a fertility practice here in Phoenix.  I called. I made an appointment.  That appointment was for TODAY!

Yeah I had to call and cancel.

God is amazing in His timing. I believe He packages His blessings in the way the recipient can best recognize them.  I tie pink bows on things. I deliver everyday items in tissue paper and coordinating ribbon.  I'm so glad I serve a God who does the same for me!

My next appointment will be for an ultrasound to see my precious baby's heartbeat. September 13, 2011.

Time of my Life

I have called myself MOM now for 10 days. I have more than once tried to thank Him. I have attempted to praise Him with the most heartfelt prayer. But I'm just at a loss for words. I can't form the appropriate thought and speech to ever begin to thank Him enough. I have cried a lot. There's a part of me that cautiously still doesn't believe it.

I am going to have a child next spring :)  

Attempt at Grace

I married my cousin and his bride on July 23 of 2011.  It was hot, and muggy, and there was a haboob looming on the horizon. A beautiful backdrop for a backyard wedding with 200 people invited.  Potluck slash BBQ style with plenty of ice chests. The cake was traditional, only because someone else in the family was a caker. Bouquet was traditional, because someone else in the family (me) is a floral designer. Lots of family, casual attire, pool ready get together. The bride's friends chipped in and had a hula dancer perform during the dinner portion of the evening. If one was going to remember something from that evening, I'd pick that. If only to forget how effing HOT it was outside.

I was pretty psyched to perform my first marriage ceremony. After we made it official and signed all necessary spaces on the license, I very carefully stored the stub until I could hand mail it Monday morning. After mailing the stub, I wrote the newly married couple a nice letter:

Dear Christy and David Muniz,

Congratulations on your marriage! I was pleased to work so closely with you both.  I enjoyed writing your ceremony and creating a tropical bouquet for your wedding day.

Marriage is such a sacred covenant! In awe and respect of the brevity of this commitment between two loving souls, I always highly recommend that couples invest time and resources toward the continued growth of their relationship. This may mean reading a book on marriage, or seeing a relationship counselor or attending church services together. Many can attest these small commitments make a world of difference in bonding two happily married people closer together. If the wedding was the hardest part of a marriage, what a different world this would be! I wish you happiness all the days you share together.

I have mailed your marriage certificate to be filed by the clerk of the Superior Court of Arizona on July 25, 2011. I would like to be able to use your names as a reference to other potential engaged couples seeking ministry services. If you have any question about this, please contact me.

Thank you both once more for inviting me to share a part in your wedding day. May God bless you and your family with favor, hope, and unconditional love. Amen.

Sincerely,

Jessica Burgess, BA Psychology, Minister, American Marriage Ministries

Imagine my horror to find out no later than Wednesday the next week that my cousin David had not only been cheating on his bride, he had contact with the other woman on his wedding day! He never wanted marriage and decided to end things with his new bride.
I think the world of my cousin as a person, so realizing what an awful thing he has done is extremely disappointing. No matter how unhappy you are, why go through with the wedding at all?  At the very least, pull your cousin Jessica aside, who is conveniently acting as your minister, and ask her to hold off on mailing the document you signed making your union legal. Right?

Needless to say, the bride is destroyed. She had no clue there was a problem and thought this was her happily ever after. I had nothing to offer her in the way of gossip, David-bashing, or anything else an extremely pissed off woman craves after being abandoned. All I could give her was a simple blessing. I told her that I recognized her strength, and her independence.  That she was a highly capable woman, and that her children would draw from her all of those wonderful qualities. That she would be better in the end, and that she had my best wishes. What else do you tell someone in that position?

Jessica's ministry stats show that 1/1 couples that get married in their bathing suits don't work out. Good to know...

Close Encounters

New ways to be in worship. I was shown a few this weekend.


Mary Anne, my trainer, was at a women's conference this weekend, so I didn't get my weekly ass kicking. I missed it, but I'll get to gym a few times this week to make up for it. Instead, we got ourselves up early and did chores. Usually this is Sunday afternoon work, but we knew free time was not a guarantee this weekend.

Randy had to get his car looked at, as his check engine light came on. Meanwhile, I took off to Costco, Sam's Club, Party City, and Fry's to accumulate all the necessities for the evening's reception.  It turned out wonderfully! I even picked up a 3 tier glass server for treats. On my last stop, I picked up a bag of ice and a couple packs of frozen strawberries. Got into the Time Machine and turned the key in the ignition. Nothing.

The car wasn't completely dead, the battery seemed to be working fine, you could tell it was getting power. It just wouldn't kick over. Soooooooo I was late to mic check on a hot AZ afternoon in a grocery store parking lot with frozen goods in tow.

Luckily, I have favor. The driver of the vehicle in front of me offered to help jump me. Even though it didn't work, I was so happy I wasn't alone. I thanked him over and over, and invited him to our service at Grace Walk. I called Randy to come get me, so we could get the supplies to the church. We could worry about my car later, which we ended up doing.

The service was awesome. It was billed as, "Close Encounters," and it was every bit that. Randy would tell me the next day, after the Sunday concert that it was the first time he's felt the Holy Spirit come down upon him in such a powerful way. He was almost afraid of it because it was such an intense feeling. I am sorry I didn't have the opportunity to receive the same experience. This is where I was shown how to worship in a new way.

I worked behind the scenes the whole time. I spent all of the 3 services either setting up, cleaning from the night before, or setting up again. On Saturday night, Daniel, one of the church staff members, came in with a video camera and asked for a minute of my time. He asked me to describe what worship meant to me. I can't remember exactly what I said, except that worship itself wasn't an activity to do, but a state of mind to be in. If I'm in that state of mind, anything  I do becomes worship, because it's devoted to Jesus in adoration. So in my work, even though I was not out enjoying the worship music, I was participating in worship. I offered my labor, my excellence in detail, my care in presentation, everything to the cause of Christ this weekend. I had Holy Spirit power.

While waiting for the AAA tow truck late Saturday night in a grocery store parking lot, Randy and I laughed and joked. We listened to Blood, Sweat, and Tears for no reason and decided it's pretty awesome. We were almost interrupted when the tow arrived and we had to switch back to productivity. I love my husband. We didn't let the situation with the time machine stress us out. We spent the day in the will of God, and returned after our congregation had been served to take care of the obstacle the enemy placed before us to trip us up. And even in the parking lot, we didn't argue or fret. We knew we were loved and taken care of by a Father who never leaves us without.

Sunday was all of this, amplified. So many lives touched by the Holy Spirit! It isn't the worship team that brings the power. The worship team offers their talents to create a mood where individuals feel open and safe to cry to the Father. The Spirit ministers and opens hearts. Close encounters happen all over the sanctuary. I'm called to lead others in worship. Now I know that doesn't mean learning a piece of music. It means living my life in a state of constant worship, and inviting others to do the same.

Thank You Father. I adore you for what you have done in the lives of people around me. For the lives that were touched or changed this weekend. For the food I chose that I brought into the church, that it nourished and satisfied people's appetites. For each of the workers in the Body that you have called to worship. For our pastors. If you never did a thing more for me, I'd still adore you all the days of my life. For wanting to favor me, for wanting to bless my family. For my health, for the health of my teammates. For my children waiting to be born, they might see the wonders of creation. For all that I couldn't possibly express. Thank You God. Amen.

Mi Vida Ocupada

For as insecure as I am about my talents and abilities, I sure do a lot! This past weekend I performed my first wedding ceremony. I'm sure glad I decided to become ordained online, this is going to be a great addition to my business. On top of personal training, making a bridal bouquet, MOH clutch and two bouttaniers, I also sang at church and made time to be there for a friend in need. It was a busy Saturday. The day before, I painted my kitchen. The day after, I entertained. I was too pooped to stand come Sunday night, but I counted that a successful weekend.

This weekend I am hosting a reception for the worship ministry at my church. Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon, Grace Walkers will be welcome to have a snack while getting information about the worship arts opportunities we have available. In true Jessica style, however, I will first play saxophone for the opening number before ducking off stage to finish preparing the reception.  Sunday I will entertain again.

When I first began dating my husband, I would accompany him to his family dinner ever Sunday evening. We'd get there about 3 or 4, then stay until almost 8 or 9. There would be snacks, an incredible meal, and the entire family there to fellowship with.  Now that I have been blessed with so much space, I believe I want to start having a family dinner. Once I pay off the trustee in our bankruptcy, I will have an extra $450 in disposable income monthly. This will be done in December. At the beginning of next year I'd like to have family dinners in my kitchen a couple times a month. Everyone is invited.

The only other adventure before me at this time is the Toastmasters area contest. I volunteered to be contest manager to finish my Competent Leadership designation. There is certainly a lot to know, but I think it will be fun. Plus, one more opportunity to plan an event!

Perhaps my true talent is the ability to balance a full heaping plate with a smile

Talent

I have many emotions right now that center on talent and ability.  What is natural and God given? Is there a difference between being able to walk up to something an immediately master it, "They've got a natural talent for that!" and having an adventurous spirit that determines, "I can't do this yet, but I'm going to learn?"

Don't both forces come from the Father? I have a lot of hobbies, but I can't say I'm the best I know at any of them. I'm a musician, singer, painter, florist, and counselor to a point. I've had people tell me how talented I am, only that sentiment leaves me disappointed. I want more. I want to be better and grow. Since I'm not at a place called there yet, does that mean I'm not really talented?

In the bible, when each servant was given talents by the master, it was by their ability. This is a different context, but not really. While each was given something physical to invest or cultivate, we are also given ideas and desires (which are also supplied by Him, BTW). We are given all resources, physical and otherwise, to work with, based on our capacity to receive them.

Why does any of this matter, and why is it weighing heavily on me today?

I've only had one hobby that I've been ready to dive into and be the best at for years. I want to be a mother.

Based on what you already know about me, I have always got by somehow.  Just recently, I wanted to learn to sing. Coming from having probably one of the poorer voice qualities in my community, I worked for it and practiced a lot. Now, I can sing. Not the best by far, but I'm a long way from where I started.  That's what I'm talking about here: Anytime I've wanted something, I've taken it. Sometimes it's called talent, which I'm disputing in this blog. I call it faith with action.  If I can believe in it, I can do it. Without my action, my belief means ass, and I look stupid.

So, why can't I achieve this very fundamental part of being a woman? On the surface, I know all the backlash for even materializing that thought: Womanhood doesn't always mean motherhood, and many other things neo fems would love to hate me for (I also believe in submitting to my husband BTW).

Fact is, women are made in God's image to bring forth life. I can pick up a paintbrush and throw some flowers together and I'm praised, but I can't do what I was uniquely designed to do. What should be my true talent, if you define it by the traditional standard. 

I decided to spend a long period of time in prayer about this. I was basically given a feeling to hold off, much to my dismay. In that time, rapid change happened in my living situation. I can now "afford" to have children and have space to put them. Ok, I can see where you wanted me to be patient, God.  I thought I was being pulled to adoption, and after more prayer, decided to give the decision to my husband.  He wasn't ready to seriously consider it, again, much to my dismay. My mommy cool down has lasted 7 months.

I got another feeling just the other day. I can only describe it as a lifting of this burden from me. I also decribe it feeling like a green light or all clear signal. I immediately googled "best fertility doctor in az," and came upon a reporductive endocrinologist named Barbara Faber. I called her office and have an appointment with her in 2 weeks.  This journey needs to be like all the rest now, where I decide it's time to learn something and put it into practice.  Because faith without action means nothing, and I need to use the talent given to me by the Father to the best of my ability.

Fall to Rise

I started a blog last year about living to the fullest of my potential in an 1127 sq. ft. home on Odeum Lane in Phoenix. I am leaving that post up to show what my thoughts were and how that revelation changed my life.

I hadn't wanted to go into what the last 5 years or so meant in my life, but I guess it's easier to see the blessing when you know where you came from.  I was blessed early on with not having to put much into something to get satisfaction. Basically, I didn't have to put much effort into school, music, or home life to get along at an above average rate. I didn't know how much this delayed me until I got married. For the last several years my struggle has been battling laziness, and wanting what I didn't have and couldn't get just by showing up. If you ever have a similar conversation with my wonderful husband, you might find out we have the same shortcomings in this area. Wheras many couples have opposite personalities, and can pull each other out of their dark places, we sat together in sadness for a long time.

After my revelation to follow the call of God in my life in the area of my living space, I cleaned my act up. Instead of idolizing the picture of our dream home, I decided to dream in the space I was in. This was a skill I was going to need very soon, as we decided to file bankruptcy and surrender our home to the lender. My space was going to become a 10x10 bedroom at my mother's home, and a second 10x10 space for storage.

God's plan amazes me sometimes. My father in law called one night and asked my husband and I to move into my husband's childhood home and take over the mortgage payments there. If you don't already take the doctrine of double portion literally, listen up. We moved into a home with almost exactly double the sq. ft. of living space, for almost exactly half of what our mortgage payment was! Here we were, already humbled by our bankruptcy situation, and suddenly favored in a way we could never deserve!

I 100% believe that this could not have happened until I was ready to let go of my selfishness, and forgive myself. I had to fall to the bottom before I could be lifted back up. Let me tell you, when God wants to favor, he isn't subtle. He wants to show off.

I'll never forget my 1127 sq. ft. of Awesome that started this journey.