Wednesday, March 28, 2012

So much inside me, but no cinnamon rolls...

SO much to consider.

I stayed home today because I really feel out of sorts. I'm restless, and I feel like I'm falling to pieces. Not emotionally, but physically. My feet hurt, acne has declared war on my face, and I'm really really tired. I'm sure I'll be getting used to most of it, and more if I'm normal.

Since this blog is semi-private, I guess I can write this here.

I'm 5 weeks pregnant today.

The only people who know are my healthcare providers, so it is NOT Facebook official! Seriously our parents don't even know. I'm waiting for my first ultrasound to be officially pregnant. It's funny how I acted last time is exact opposite of this time around. Randy and I really want to make sure there is a living thing inside me before we go changing people's lives with the news.

Thank you, as always, for your prayers and support.



Today gives me time to think, and rest up. And plan.

Oh! I will go ahead and tell you a little about my yeast handicap while we're here. I SUCK at baking bread, fry bread, rolls, or anything that depends on yeast to rise. It doesn't seem that hard, but I simply can NOT get dough to rise. I'm bitter right now over a wasted batch of what should've been fresh cinnamon rolls all in my face. Instead, I broke off a frozen tamale from Christmas, steamed it, fried an egg, and had a glass of OJ. But... I would've really liked something sweet.

Maybe tomorrow I'll do brownies? I think that sounds awesome. And if you aren't like me (culinarily inept) and want to school me on yeast dough, please hit me up.

Thanks for visiting! Have a great day.

Mama Juice

Friday, March 23, 2012

To Do List

Make chocolate chip cookies
Buy milk
eat cookies in bed
Take a nap
Pray

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A glass of 6 cycles, half empty or half full?

Cycle 3 is a bust. The good news is my progesterone has increased the last 2 months, and this month was a 29 day cycle. I've got some good momentum going into take 4.

Out of the blue, yesterday I received a box of similac. A free sample I guess. I offered it to the lady in my office who is having a baby next month. Better than let it go to waste, I figured.

It's really getting hard to keep from beating myself up at every turn. Randy says I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I tried to dial it down this month, I really did.

So I'm fine, just a little down today.

I have a couple of big projects in the mix, so hopefully I can show those off soon. I'm thinking about making some changes in the layout of this blog, to section out my three themes: crying about infertility, home improvement, and God stuff. I had hoped they would crossover into something meaningful, but that's not how it reads sometimes. We'll see how it turns out. This writing is an outlet, primarily. If anyone is better for it being here, that's awesome.

Thanks for visiting today, talk to you soon.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

It's a thin line

I mentioned I wanted to let you in a little more, tell you some of my background.

I have a dad who never cared to parent. I did just fine because I never idolized him. I have 3 brothers. The oldest of them is just fine as well, he's around my age and figured out about the same time I did that dad just didn't have it in him, and stopped expecting so much. My younger 2 brothers learned everything they know from him. This story is about my brother Michael.

Michael is 24 this year. He never graduated from school, although he says he's working on a GED. He communicates well with me and my mom, but we're really the only two people he trusts. He is an alcoholic. For the better part of the last 10 years, my immediate family has endured what seems like one long nightmare. Michael doesn't care about his life, he only cares about having a good time with his friends. He disappears for weeks at a time, sleeping on friends' couches. No changes of clothes, no money, no job, did I mention no clothes? When he is spent, he calls one of us up. Of course, our hearts go out to him and we want nothing more than to get him cleaned up and fed. Once he spends a few days sobering up and feeding my mom a line about how he has a couple of job prospects, he gets a phone call from a friend, arranges to be picked up, and disappears again.

My mother has always provided him this safety net. And yes, I'm sure you've seen intervention once or twice. My mom has walked the invisible line between enabler and loving mother this whole time. I've done it too. We've let Michael crash with us a couple times, only to have the same results over and over. A couple of months back, he called begging for a place to live, and after talking about it with my husband, this was my reply:

Michael, we love you and want you to be in a safe, loving family environment. We have plenty of room for you, and have the means to take care of you while you get on your feet. You can live with us under the expectation that there will be no alcohol, and no leaving - no friends in or out of the house until you're stable. I will help you find a job nearby and drop you off and pick you up. I will teach you how to manage money, and not charge you rent. I will accompany you every Friday night to a recovery program at my church, and every Sunday you will go with Randy and I to Grace Walk. You will be safe and taken care of, as long as you are ready to make these changes. Take the afternoon, call me back only if this is something you really want. No guarantee this offer will be back on the table if you don't want to get better. I will only put the effort in that you are willing to match.

He didn't call me back.


Now, my parents (mom and step dad) are moving out of their home to take care of my Nana Virgie. They won't be able to take Michael in anymore. They have mentioned this to him, as he's currently on a cycle of being the guy on the couch, and he has told them he will just call Jessica.

Here's where I walk a thin line between Christian, helper, love my brother, charity, family, & Insensitive, judgmental, uncaring... you get the point. Am I loving my brother by continuing to afford him this lifestyle? I gave him the option once to let me save him and it's just simply not what he wants. When I told my mom tonight that he couldn't stay with me, she said she doesn't think he knows how much I can't stand him. Wow, unfair.

This is so hard. I want to open my arms and know he's safe in my home. But I am not one to be used, and I can't let all of this continue when I can see the big picture.

He's my only full blood brother. Zack and Anthony are half and step. Michael is my mom's baby. Am I a terrible person? What do I do?

Monday, March 5, 2012

True Story

I woke up early and went to work at 5am today. I had a plan.  I have too much on my plate right now, and that means something has to give. I have really been given the opportunity to show what I'm made of. To show my "Exceeds Expectations" qualities that earned me a bonus and a raise. If I can do 2011 like a walk in the park and have a fantastic review, I need to step it up in 2012. So this morning, I charted my day on my calendar, and made some dents in my week. I might go in early again tomorrow, and the day after that.

So, the thing that has to give right now is me. I'm up for the challenge.

It's busier right now because the lady in my office is preparing to take her maternity leave. A full 12 weeks of baby bonding. While she's not popping just yet, we're slowly dividing up her work load amongst us and all getting Tetris-ed in the process. I agree with Randy: It's nice that I get to challenge myself and find purpose in my job right now. It's great I get to learn some HR skills and learn more about the backside of my business. I'm going to come out of this a lot smarter and more efficient. But despite all that, I'd rather have MBA and screw everyone else. Must be nice.

Father, help me tonight to remember that strength isn't just physical. Help me to watch my mouth, no matter how clever I think I am sometimes. Amen.