After 18 days, heaven got a little more Awesome

Bleeding was not uncommon during this whole pregnancy. I was tipped off to test in the first place because I was spotting brown on cycle day 23. Implantation spotting that lasted 10 days.  To see spotting here and there for the next week wasn't too alarming.  Trust me, I was scared every time, but I would call my doctor and they would assure me it was normal.  Just look out for clots and pain. Noted.

Thursday evening I started spotting red. I had some bad cramping.  I was desperately trying to convince myself it was round ligament pain, and it was normal for some women to bleed during pregnancy. Happens all the time.


I had a dream that night.  I had the most precious baby boy. He looked a lot like Randy, but with darker features like mine. This dream seemed to last all night, with me trying so hard to make this baby happy.  He was moody and cranky, crying and refusing to eat.  he was so uncomfortable and didn't seem to like anything I did for him.  I woke up with some pain and went to the bathroom to see what I had been hoping I'd never find. A clot about the size of a dime with mucous-y red blood.

The doctor at the hospital said my cervix was still closed. "Threatened Miscarriage," was the term used to classify me.  This became clearer after the douchelord nurse tech came in and said my HCG was only 761.  On 8/11 my beta was 547, on 8/15 it had only risen to 727.  When I heard the level was only 761, my heart sank and I knew how the rest of the day was going to go.

The ultrasound bitch was no better. I swear, more lesbos need to become ultrasound techs.  This lady could not properly insert her wand to scope my vag.  I had to do the honors myself, and it was really awkward.  A girl my size has to get into jacked up positioning to shove stuff in there. I hope in the future, I get a tech who knows their way around down there. Just sayin'.

Anyway, the doctor could not find my baby in utero.  No sac, nothing. In fact, on the report that they would send me home with 2 copies of (Thanks, now I can read this twice, assholes. Thanks for wasting paper on that.), they would describe my uterus as having a nongravid appearance. Nongravid means not pregnant.  My measurements were the average size of a non pregnant uterus. At this point, there was a concern that I might  have an ectopic pregnancy.

I was sent home and told to follow up with my OB. I will do that tomorrow.  In the meantime, I have bled pretty good.  I am pretty sure I did not have an ectopic pregnancy due to having no localized pain on either side, and that I passed a lot of tissue. I was pretty calm and doing well until I passed something familiar.  Tissue that wasn't liquid-y, and was dark purple with a white-gray membrane.  When I saw what I recognized from my first miscarriage, I had my breakdown.

I am ok, Randy is ok now too.  I always knew the risk of miscarriage in my case in particular.  Let me explain. I have PCOS, which for me means my ovaries are retards.  I don't produce good quality eggs.  When I do release an egg, it's only once or twice a year.  This also means I have a problem producing progesterone, which is apparently very important in early pregnancy to support the embryo until the placenta is intact.

After losing two pregnancies, one where I didn't know I was pregnant, and one where we told everyone immediately,  I have come to the conclusion that it is much, much more heartbreaking to lose the baby nobody ever cared was there in the first place. So, I don't regret telling everyone up front. I got to be a mom for 18 days.  When the Lord comes again, I will have 2 children waiting for me.  Until then, they are in the care of my wonderfully capable Nana Vera.

Yes, I'll keep trying.  After I my periods are back to normal and I get the ok to start banging again.  Before we found out we were pregnant this time, we had been preparing to go through the process of becoming foster parents and possibly adopting.  I think we'll start that process up again.  In the end, all is well, as my babies are in heaven where they were destined to be. I'll just have to wait a little longer to meet them. But if I'm a pro at anything here on earth, it's waiting...