Overnight shift

So my comadre isn't having my second godchild just yet.

Let me tell you, having that situation present itself in the way it did really opened my eyes. Here I was, fresh off my third miscarriage and not even blinking an eye before pressing forward full speed. I near the end of my cycle the same days as my bestie, who is also trying. She has a near positive, and I have a breakdown.

I didn't like my reaction, and I shared with a friend that it scared me, as I would never want anyone to believe I was jealous or resentful towards her, I could never be. And as much as I didn't want it to appear as such to anyone else, I didn't want to feel it myself. I smacked the lid on that mess in a hot second, and have changed my plan...

I have lost a few more pounds since my post, and have been working with my trainer friend to keep my nutrition in check.  I am stronger than I was, even a month ago.

 I have stopped thinking about the baby. No, let me correct that: I think of the baby every time I have a second to think. I have prayed for the desires of my heart to be shown to me. And they have been. Even though over the last year I've begged for the desires to change and be replaced with something else, my hunger remains.

But I am not focused on the baby. I've put it in time out. I am focused on creating a better home for the baby to live in. For 9 months, the baby will live in me, so I need that to be the best home possible. For the next several years, the baby will live with my husband and I, so I need to be sure I am providing some comforts, both practical and symbolic. I need to realize my own potential before I spend the rest of my life trying to help someone else reach theirs.

You won't hear me say I've stopped trying. If anything, I'm finally trying harder.

I want to be there for my sister in law, give her the best bridal experience anyone could imagine. I can do that best when I'm not so self obsessed. Let's refocus on getting in shape instead of getting knocked up - and everyone wins.

In a weird way, this protects me from the inevitable. The day is coming very soon when I'm going to get the blessed phone call or happy whisper from my comadre that her baby's on the way. Let me put myself in a position where I can be 100% overjoyed. No mixed in disappointment or guilt.

Let me make myself a little more money, get myself closer to family, dive deeper into the Word, drop a couple dress sizes, learn to do a proper lunge, improve my speaking abilities, read some good books, do Pat's Run, organize my home, and let me try not to do these things in vain as always, while I secretly pine.

I feel great today. I've felt great the past few weeks. I'm taking a trip with Randy to classy San Diego this week. We're going to the zoo, Coronado Island, and of course, a day or two on the beach braving waves and what I hope is seaweed brushing against my feet.

I hope I can share soon how many awesome projects I have in the works for around the house. My mom has been helping me a LOT, and I'm so thankful.

Thanks again for visiting, and I'll write again as soon as I'm home. Stay Classy!

Juice