Racing to tomorrow

Yesterday and today I have been SO SICK

I choose to chalk it up to pregnancy nausea. Maybe I'm actually sick, but I want to believe this thing is actually switched ON and actively participate, good or bad feelings involved.

I have a hard time eating a lot, because I immediately feel queasy, and need to lie down with air in my face. Sipping water seems to help. Crackers too.

In following with the Jessica Juice tradition of trying to bond as much as possible with the baby as early as possible, I made cookies today. However, I switched from regular chocolate chip to WCMN. Hey, if nothing changes, nothing changes...

I say I am racing to tomorrow, because I get to see my primary tomorrow and ask her for progesterone. I am putting a lot of hope in this, that it will help me stop spotting. I started spotting again today, pinky-brown. I know enough that this should be harmless, but the gloves come off when I'm trying to save my 4th pregnancy.

Thought I'd share some things of interest. Sometime during my previous cycle, I had a moment in my car where I just flat out got a wild hair up my ass about the enemy and his hold on my reproductive system. I violently (for me) broke ties left and right, and rebuked his influence on any part of my body. I even rebuked the diagnosis of PCOS and insulin resistance. I declared my body is healed, because Jesus made it His mission to take my suffering upon Himself. I decided though my body was fundamentally healed, it still needs some help, and since God led me to a helping doctor, I would remain on the Metformin rx. But this wasn't in order to fight an impossible battle against a terrible diagnosis, it was to help my physical body catch up with itself.

At the beginning of the cycle I'm in now, I had a few nights where I couldn't sleep.  I chose to spend some time in prayer to remind God that while I am keeping myself busy with other things, my heart still really longs for a child - that I didn't know or care when or how He made it happen, just as long as He knew I still wanted it for me and my family.

We spent a weekend in Pinetop. It was gorgeous!! I hadn't been that far north (desert rat) and I was just so in awe of the beauty in NE AZ. The elevation was, what, 8200? Compared to Phoenix's 1100, it took some adjusting to. I was so sick on Saturday. I swore I was getting a cold - I had a sore throat and I was just so bombed. I slept all afternoon. Sunday was a blast, and Monday morning was lovely. Interestingly enough, I got to take another unfamiliar jaunt through the salt river canyon. Beautiful!

I say interestingly, because yours truly does not fare well in canyons of any kind. Once peripheral and horizon visuals are cut off, I puke faster than a frat with a gallon of milk. Sooooo, my soon to be BIL had his car baptized that day. And so did the car behind us' windshield. I had good aim, I stuck my head out the window like a pro, but it was no less humiliating and miserable.  I can't help but think I was just a little more sick that weekend because of the pregnancy. At least then, when we re-tell this story, it will have a warmer tone.

In all, I am grateful for another chance, however terrified we are. I fully understand I am pregnant now because I let go of my old shame and started over. If I lose this pregnancy too, I will come away knowing I did everything physically possible to intervene. Because God gives me free will. I know the battle is won, but that doesn't mean I don't need to fight.

My prayer today is God, if it is Your will that I win - help my fight; if it is Your will that this baby is born -  help me to prepare; if it is Your will that this child come back home to You before it is ready to be born - make my heart brave. My battles are being fought and won in half days - I pray it is Your will to give me the victory! I also pray that I can get through this nausea and not puke up these wonderful cookies :)

Yours truly,

Mama Juice