136

I am no longer expecting.

I am lucky to be alive.

The fire that I had inside me to fight to save my pregnancy saved me from a terrible danger. I fought to get progesterone at 3.5 weeks when I saw spotting. My pcp wasn't comfortable giving it to me, seeing as it's an OB issue and didn't want to harm me by giving me an inappropriate dose for my case. She thought I should really be seeing a high risk OB given the number of losses I've had. She gave me the number for Phoenix Perinatal Associates and advised they would probably see me right away. Luckily, they agreed to see me the next day for a consult. My pcp drew blood and requested the results be sent to that new practice the next day.

The next day comes and I am having more spotting, red. I am discouraged, but make my way to the new OB. I state my case and he agrees to help me. Before he does, he wants to peek at the blood results. His eyes almost flew off his face when he saw my HCG > 15000! Within seconds, I was undressed and having an ultrasound in the next room.

Sure enough, I was further along. 6w1d based on the measurements. Then I saw it. A perfect heartbeat. 136 bpm. The ultrasound tech told me the doctor was going to review my photos and come in with me in a minute or two. I was positively over the moon. Which is why I thought he just was a bad joker when he came in the room and said we have a serious problem. He drew a diagram and explained I had an ectopic pregnancy. My baby was comfortable, was thriving, had a good blood supply, just in the wrong part of my body. I asked if there was a way to just nudge it along. Of course, you can't do that. The OB explained that's why I was spotting, and I would need emergency surgery because the sac was so large now it could burst at any moment.

I had some time alone before my surgery. I talked to the baby and apologized for what was going to happen. I said it wasn't its fault. I loved it, I was happy to know it came to be with me for so long. I told it how pretty it was in Greer and Pinetop, and how sick they made me up there. I told it I enjoyed being pregnant and I loved them very much. I told them about Jesus, and heaven. I told them they have 3 siblings and lots of family already waiting for them, and they would be just fine until I got there to be with them. I told them not to be afraid when Jesus took them home.

I had my entire right fallopian tube removed to prevent scar tissue and possible future ectopic pregnancy. The remaining tube should float freely and pick up any eggs released from my right ovary. I need to wait a few months before trying again. He also recommended losing weight ("Hello, My name is Jessica, nice to meet you.").

I am home and sore and in shock. I had a perfectly good 6w old baby who made it through without progesterone. It just missed the mark. I am heartbroken I had to let it go, but neither of us would have survived.

So there you go. This is how the story continues.