Talent

I have many emotions right now that center on talent and ability.  What is natural and God given? Is there a difference between being able to walk up to something an immediately master it, "They've got a natural talent for that!" and having an adventurous spirit that determines, "I can't do this yet, but I'm going to learn?"

Don't both forces come from the Father? I have a lot of hobbies, but I can't say I'm the best I know at any of them. I'm a musician, singer, painter, florist, and counselor to a point. I've had people tell me how talented I am, only that sentiment leaves me disappointed. I want more. I want to be better and grow. Since I'm not at a place called there yet, does that mean I'm not really talented?

In the bible, when each servant was given talents by the master, it was by their ability. This is a different context, but not really. While each was given something physical to invest or cultivate, we are also given ideas and desires (which are also supplied by Him, BTW). We are given all resources, physical and otherwise, to work with, based on our capacity to receive them.

Why does any of this matter, and why is it weighing heavily on me today?

I've only had one hobby that I've been ready to dive into and be the best at for years. I want to be a mother.

Based on what you already know about me, I have always got by somehow.  Just recently, I wanted to learn to sing. Coming from having probably one of the poorer voice qualities in my community, I worked for it and practiced a lot. Now, I can sing. Not the best by far, but I'm a long way from where I started.  That's what I'm talking about here: Anytime I've wanted something, I've taken it. Sometimes it's called talent, which I'm disputing in this blog. I call it faith with action.  If I can believe in it, I can do it. Without my action, my belief means ass, and I look stupid.

So, why can't I achieve this very fundamental part of being a woman? On the surface, I know all the backlash for even materializing that thought: Womanhood doesn't always mean motherhood, and many other things neo fems would love to hate me for (I also believe in submitting to my husband BTW).

Fact is, women are made in God's image to bring forth life. I can pick up a paintbrush and throw some flowers together and I'm praised, but I can't do what I was uniquely designed to do. What should be my true talent, if you define it by the traditional standard. 

I decided to spend a long period of time in prayer about this. I was basically given a feeling to hold off, much to my dismay. In that time, rapid change happened in my living situation. I can now "afford" to have children and have space to put them. Ok, I can see where you wanted me to be patient, God.  I thought I was being pulled to adoption, and after more prayer, decided to give the decision to my husband.  He wasn't ready to seriously consider it, again, much to my dismay. My mommy cool down has lasted 7 months.

I got another feeling just the other day. I can only describe it as a lifting of this burden from me. I also decribe it feeling like a green light or all clear signal. I immediately googled "best fertility doctor in az," and came upon a reporductive endocrinologist named Barbara Faber. I called her office and have an appointment with her in 2 weeks.  This journey needs to be like all the rest now, where I decide it's time to learn something and put it into practice.  Because faith without action means nothing, and I need to use the talent given to me by the Father to the best of my ability.