It's not terribly late, but Randy's already peacefully asleep, and I'm online having already checked my facebook, bank account, email, and news. Nothing noteworthy on either account.
I had a great weekend. I went shopping, started the baby blanket for Kenner's baby Lillian, ate Chinese food, and didn't do shit around the house. By all definitions of the term, I am super HAPPY.
So, why is it that I let the one shitty thing that happened this weekend weigh on me? I'm furious at my cousin Shanna (again), but I am also so sad for her. This story isn't new to anyone keeping up. I show up at family gathering, Shanna gets trashed, Shanna spouts something out of line. I've heard that Psych majors are really just crazy losers, married people are just crazy losers (with no goals), people who went to ASU are just crazy losers.... See a theme? Anything I associate and/or identify with makes me suck by virtue of the fact that Shanna has nothing to do with it. I don't mean to gloss over the hatred she emits, but I need to make clear that she's really mean without sounding whiny. I hope you understand.
I was having a chat with my cousin Jackie, a nice lady who had real, actual concern for my recent miscarriage, who had a couple of questions which I was well enough to answer candidly. Questions having to do with the specifics of my pregnancy and the timeline, symptoms, etc. of said miscarriage. Shanna teetered over, as we were standing near the restroom, Shanna's ultimate destination. Obviously knowing the situation, and overhearing the conversation, she came up to me and gave me a hug. I'll paraphrase:
I'm so sorry Jess. I don't know anything about what you are going through, because I have never had any problems getting pregnant. I mean, I can get pregnant like *this (finger snap). I mean, I get pregnant so easily that it's ridiculous. I do wish I had your boobs though. (pushing her boobs against mine, classy) We could switch so you could get pregnant and I could have your boobs. (Shanna, you can buy boobs easier than I can buy a baby) Well, I'll just make a baby and sell it to you then... blah blah blah I'm a drunk whore...
Jackie got in her face and let her know it was inappropriate to rub my face in it, and Shanna
For one, Shanna has just one kid. So where are all these easy pregnancies she's bragging about? Probably equally easy abortions if I had to guess. I really wonder if she remembers the things she says the next day. When she wakes up alone, does she remember talking down to people? When she is bored because she has no real friends, does she sit and think up reasons why she's better than me?
I can't say I'm all that attractive or fashionable. I haven't fit into a size 2 since before puberty. I have acne and am bat shit blind. I can't hear out of one ear and I have circus freak show 46DDD boobs. I have fat feet that don't fit into cute shoes, and an unruly head of hair. There are so many things about me that are undesirable and awkward.
Beyond all that, I'm loved by an amazing man, I have more real friends than pairs of shoes, I live a life with a kingdom purpose, and I am one of the nicest people anyone will ever meet. Why am I sad tonight? Shanna can't say anything I just did. She's stuck on a loop, thinking she should be happy by now with the VIP designer life that's been handed to her on a silver platter. I'm glad at least she knows Jesus. I hope she realizes one day He's the only one that can give her life meaning. When she is ready, I will be there as a friend.
Until then, I avoid that bitch when all possible.
Good night!
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