I can see the gym from my desk

I work right across the street from LA Fitness on 55th Ave. & Bell. I sit in a lovely office facing a large window with a Bell Rd. vista.  I have been going to the gym for a couple of months, but only within the last couple weeks have been really getting into it.  I'm losing inches, gaining muscle, yeah yeah yeah... I have stopped concentrating on that.  I had a moment on an excersize bike that changed it all.  I have heard of people being addicted to spin classes before and thought they were just assholes, but now I think I see the appeal.

I wasn't in a class, mind you, but I was on a bike, watching television on mute because I forgot my headphones.  At about 7 minutes in, I got this rush of euphoria and motivation to push it a little and peddle faster. Increase the resistance, increase my heart rate. I've been excited for cardio ever since then, and my energy level has risen. I feel so much in control, and I love that.

I used to have a friend growing up named Jenny.  I used to tease her because she was my size, but dressed too old. Her pants could've been from the jr. section, but they were from misses. She could've straightened her hair, and put makeup on (she had a very pretty face), but she didn't.  Her ideas were never fun, and her life was too practical.  She was a good confidante and friend while it lasted, but I always remember wishing she would just get with the program.  I have seen my own reflection lately and don't recognize myself from Jenny.  Goodness, my hair is even identical to hers - a natural wavy, wash and wear, bob.  Just presentable enough to get by.  I am letting it grow, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I let myself go a LONG time ago.  This is so much more than a physical thing. I've bought clothes, styled my hair, and worked out plenty in the past few years. This is so much more than a makeover issue.  I stopped caring a long time ago whether I was pretty for myself, whether I was expressing myself through my appearance, and what that even means.  I am the pearl of great price, and I know my Lord created something that is dear to him. So I know my beauty comes from within, I've got that part down pat. I forgot how to have fun with being a beautiful woman. 

I lost control of myself in more than one way.  I felt like I got some of that back with pushing my body to do what it hates, cardio.  We are all in a constant struggle against our body, which is subject to worldly principles. When we reference creation, we assume that our present state (illness, obesity, etc.) is rolled into the intended product. Our souls are subject to the kingdom, and being fearfully and wonderfully made, we have the ability to make our bodies reflect all of our God given radiance.

I do desire to see change on the outside.  But I won't focus on that. Instead, I'll concentrate on getting back what I've lost from within. My desires and dreams for confidence, artistic expression, and satisfaction in the small efforts to fix up more often. Beauty will follow. Besides, I can see the gym from my desk.