The New Wait

Seeing two lines pop up so quickly in my recent pregnancy sure spoiled me.

After a couple years of random scant ovulation, I was so used to seeing a BFN - The stark white, barren 2/3 of a test window left beside the lonely hot pink control line. I lost many a staring contest with this shiny abyss, hoping that if I stared for the entire 3 minutes, a line would appear to reward my efforts. When, this August, I got my surprise, again I was in shock. A results line populated, aggressively, before the moisture even reached the control line on the window. Never had parallel lines been so breathtaking.  It was so easy. All I had to do was pee.

Since MBA left us, I have been so spoiled on pregnancy tests.  It's been 5 weeks, and no period.  We haven't missed a beat, let me assure you. As the HCG slowly dwindled from my system, I banged like a newlywed.  We decided that has been pretty fun, and have made a hobby out of it. I purchased a couple of tests Friday and took one.  I thought I was crazy! I saw what looked like an extremely faint positive line. Even Randy saw it, and confirmed I wasn't making it up. The next morning, nothing. Ah, we meet again old friend... I went ahead and tested again this evening. Another No.  I feel  like a child who all of a sudden can't get away with something anymore - pouting in the corner, muttering, "it's not FAIR!"  So spoiled that the last serious test I took was positive so quickly, and thinking since I was successful once, it shouldn't be hard to simply replicate that result. I really believe you can make something real with your mind. See what you want to see.  I saw a line, and so did Randy, but it wasn't really there. 

Tomorrow is another day in what I am referring to as the new wait. In sales you are taught that every no is closer to a yes.  I was always terrible at sales, though.  I couldn't see convincing someone that something was there that really wasn't (value in a product they didn't need, etc.).  However, I seem to be pretty good at convincing myself... Need to take my own advice I guess.

I made it through Carolyn's baby shower today.  There wasn't any worry that I wouldn't, but I want to acknowledge that I did fine.  I am so stoked for her, as she's also tried to have this baby for so many years and been told NO so many times. She also has an angel baby from the process.  I wanted her success, her hope to rub off on me. 

I can only be strong most of the time.  If you haven't realized it yet, I'm having a hard time today. I miss my baby.