As I mentioned earlier, I started bleeding Sunday, and was afraid for the pregnancy - so I stayed home Monday to lie down. I had some time Monday while I was resting to talk to the baby. I explained that I was very sorry mom was stressed and scared, and sad. I said, if they were still with me, that I'm sorry if I was selfish for forcing my body to conceive, especially if that had anything to do with my bleeding. I said I was sorry for wanting them so bad. I talked about who I am, and about Randy and our families. I talked about Jesus, and heaven. I said I wanted them to be born so I could see all the good they contributed, and see them give their hearts to Jesus. I explained that even though we're subject to bad things here, it's worth it for the love we have in our families. I said I loved them and I was happy to be their mom for a few days.
Today I got the call from my doctor that my pregnancy isn't viable, and I should expect to miscarry naturally in the near future. I'm prepared for that, but it doesn't make any of this easier to swallow.
I think we'll stop trying now. I'm done losing.
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