Sunday, August 26, 2012

Fallout

Lessons Learned:
If someone I'm leading falls, pick them up.
Take feedback seriously.
Learn my leadership style, my teams learning styles, how I'm perceived, and make adjustments accordingly.
Continue to praise the good in others, but never sugar coat the bad.

It's been a few weeks since we left our home church, where we got saved, baptized, and set down roots with lifelong friendships. I'm still really sad I won't see some people on a regular basis. I'm more sad I feel like I failed, like we are now just another one of those families who couldn't play nice and left. One of those people who couldn't get along with her. One of those people who were obviously just too selfish to get with the program.


Of course I know we're not. I can't speak for my husband, even though I usually do anyway. I can only speak for me, and I need the record to show I gave in worship with all my heart. I gave what little I had, and what did it cost me? Humility! I couldn't sing a note (and its debatable whether I can now).  I had to practice hard and still just get by. But I laid it all out for God each opportunity I had.

And that no matter what tension was perceived, the truth was it was just time. It's allowed to be "just time," right? I am still adjusting to not going there. I can't call another church my home yet, if ever.
 Yes, I'll get over it at some point. But let me draw you a picture.

I have had experiences that I have promised to never forget. One of them was a concert I played in when I went to Europe in high school. The music was so much a part of me, and I was so happy in that moment I had to take a mental snapshot and promise myself not to forget the sound of that note, the people standing on either side of me, and how I felt at that moment. All these years later I remember I had a life changing moment in a centuries old church, that I very much liked the song we played, and that I promised to remember details I couldn't tell you now if my life depended on it.

During what I knew was my last weekend at my home church, I took the same snapshot of our worship. I have stashed a couple memories to hold onto, but if I wake up one day and forget how much that meant to me, I will be very disappointed. I don't think I'll forget letting myself turn and hug Sophia. She's the one person in a LONG time receptive to my ultra touchy feely emotional monster. I may never be a part of a musical group again. I may never stand and lead worship again. Letting go of all that and knowing that it is for the best broke my heart, but it is my absolute belief that I will have the memories and the life of those moments brought back to me when we all get together to worship in eternity. And I'll stand next to Sophia.

I have to believe the last words I sang, which was on purpose from Him for my benefit.

You make all things new, and I will follow You forward

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