Let's Mix it Up

Today is CD5 of my current menstrual cycle, on my third cycle of Clomid (second cycle at 100mg). Yes, this means I once again will consume 2 little white pills each night before bed for 5 days. I want to be clear about something. I'm human. So terribly, embarrassingly, excruciatingly vulnerable. And characteristic of being the prettier sex, obsessive. 3 years of efforts to this point of trying to conceive have left me worn down. I alluded to this in an earlier post, but then gained a little momentum by ovulating last month.  I spent $40 trying to catch a big fat positive, like a fool. I didn't cry or get upset when I got my period, because I've done that before.

Let me tell you what I did last month that I thought would help.  I stopped working out, because I read somewhere that undue exertion or injury could inhibit ovulation and conception. I had a lot of sex, even when I didn't want to. If I would have conceived, I wouldn't have a memory of some passionate night shared with my spouse that created this miracle. I would remember perhaps the exact night of forced, unnecessarily technical intercourse that  proved worth it. Oh, I would've been able to do this because I had it logged on a chart, along with my temperature reading and ovulation test reading for that day. I also used PreSeed ("sperm food" according to Randy), a fertility friendly lube that is supposed to help sperm navigate the hellish environment that is a vagina.  Put those together and you have my butt propped up on a big pillow for 30 minutes after sex, thinking, "Wow, look how smart I am."

Instead of walking in His purpose for the day, I begged Him to walk in my purpose. Again, I was shown that no matter the success of any of my measures, or the success of the medication (in making me ovulate), He ultimately was the one who could answer yes or no. I did everything right, and one could say there's no reason it shouldn't have worked. But I know why it didn't. If it worked, it would be one more thing that I could say I did without Him.

So, let's mix it up this cycle.  I haven't charted a day of temps. I won't spend money on ovulation tests. I will go in on March 13 to take my progesterone test as required, but beyond that, I promise not to monitor this cycle. This includes not planning sex. I'll just try good old romance, are men still interested in that? I will get back in the gym tomorrow after work, and we'll go ahead and start logging my food intake. That was a good habit I dropped when I began obsessing about other pursuits. I'll continue to get my adjustments and myo therapy sessions at Valley Spinal Care in Scottsdale, but mostly because I feel welcomed there and have cultivated friendships with Dr. Justin and his staff.

So, let's skip the drama for this cycle - I'll give you a break, what do you say?

I will praise Him no matter the outcome, and here's my prayer for today:

Father, thank You for accepting my love and praise today. Thank You for this day, for this hour.  Thank You for my mind, my heart, my vision, my creativity - which I know is an extension of the Holy Spirit residing in me. I am a vessel to Your will, I pray that You will use me to capacity.  I pray that You will align my heart to be able to expand my capacity if it's not big enough to accept what You are trying to give me. Give me the strength to be a good steward of everything You have placed in my life. My possessions, finances, relationships, dreams and ideas are all Yours that have been put in my care. Help me to honor that covenant every day and seek You first.  Amen.

photo credit: Randy

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