I mentioned I wanted to let you in a little more, tell you some of my background.
I have a dad who never cared to parent. I did just fine because I never idolized him. I have 3 brothers. The oldest of them is just fine as well, he's around my age and figured out about the same time I did that dad just didn't have it in him, and stopped expecting so much. My younger 2 brothers learned everything they know from him. This story is about my brother Michael.
Michael is 24 this year. He never graduated from school, although he says he's working on a GED. He communicates well with me and my mom, but we're really the only two people he trusts. He is an alcoholic. For the better part of the last 10 years, my immediate family has endured what seems like one long nightmare. Michael doesn't care about his life, he only cares about having a good time with his friends. He disappears for weeks at a time, sleeping on friends' couches. No changes of clothes, no money, no job, did I mention no clothes? When he is spent, he calls one of us up. Of course, our hearts go out to him and we want nothing more than to get him cleaned up and fed. Once he spends a few days sobering up and feeding my mom a line about how he has a couple of job prospects, he gets a phone call from a friend, arranges to be picked up, and disappears again.
My mother has always provided him this safety net. And yes, I'm sure you've seen intervention once or twice. My mom has walked the invisible line between enabler and loving mother this whole time. I've done it too. We've let Michael crash with us a couple times, only to have the same results over and over. A couple of months back, he called begging for a place to live, and after talking about it with my husband, this was my reply:
Michael, we love you and want you to be in a safe, loving family environment. We have plenty of room for you, and have the means to take care of you while you get on your feet. You can live with us under the expectation that there will be no alcohol, and no leaving - no friends in or out of the house until you're stable. I will help you find a job nearby and drop you off and pick you up. I will teach you how to manage money, and not charge you rent. I will accompany you every Friday night to a recovery program at my church, and every Sunday you will go with Randy and I to Grace Walk. You will be safe and taken care of, as long as you are ready to make these changes. Take the afternoon, call me back only if this is something you really want. No guarantee this offer will be back on the table if you don't want to get better. I will only put the effort in that you are willing to match.
He didn't call me back.
Now, my parents (mom and step dad) are moving out of their home to take care of my Nana Virgie. They won't be able to take Michael in anymore. They have mentioned this to him, as he's currently on a cycle of being the guy on the couch, and he has told them he will just call Jessica.
Here's where I walk a thin line between Christian, helper, love my brother, charity, family, & Insensitive, judgmental, uncaring... you get the point. Am I loving my brother by continuing to afford him this lifestyle? I gave him the option once to let me save him and it's just simply not what he wants. When I told my mom tonight that he couldn't stay with me, she said she doesn't think he knows how much I can't stand him. Wow, unfair.
This is so hard. I want to open my arms and know he's safe in my home. But I am not one to be used, and I can't let all of this continue when I can see the big picture.
He's my only full blood brother. Zack and Anthony are half and step. Michael is my mom's baby. Am I a terrible person? What do I do?
Jess,
ReplyDeleteYou're not unfair and you're not a terrible person for wanting Michael to get his shit together. Though it's not exactly the same, I can tell you I've personally been on the end of trying to convince my mom when she's only making the situation worse with Sylvia's decisions--I don't think she'll ever perceive the situation as it really is bc she's his mom, you know?
I think you offered an incredible opportunity for him but if he's not ready to make the changes necessary then you guys are kind of at a stalemate. You can't force him to do what he doesn't want to and it's not fair for him to expect you to bail him just because he's your brother. Like you said, it's one thing to make sure he's fed and safe but quite another when he's using you like a bottomless pocket of resources.
I think, in my humble opinion (it might not mean much I know, but please know I love him and would never want to know he was so bad off that he was starving away, sick, dirty, etc. so I say this without judgment or unrealistic severity), you should stand your ground on this one. I don't think he will sober up both figuratively and literally until he reaches rock bottom--and unfortunately that means running out safe, loving places where he usually turns to when he needs a buck/hot shower/good meal.
love you,
sofia